


At Least I Got You in My Head

by witchofink



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealous Kara Danvers, Past Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Supercorp endgame, Unrequited Love, karamel at the beginning, mostly angst, side of Sanvers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2018-10-16 06:44:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 46,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10565811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchofink/pseuds/witchofink
Summary: All Lena Luthor has ever known was solitude, suffering, and emptiness. No one had ever stood by her, at least not since Lex, and even then she still felt alone. Now, ever since sunny Kara Danvers has entered her life, Lena feels a bit warmer and a bit less empty. As the friendship between Kara and Lena grew, so did Lena's feelings for her friend. Lena is afraid to get burned but all she wants to do is touch the sun. Will Lena risk her only friendship to go after what her heart wants or will it just be enough to have Kara in her head?Warning: This fic contains some dark elements that can be triggering. Please look at the tags and warnings at the start of the chapters before reading.





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first fic but I got sudden inspiration and decided to give it a shot. I really enjoyed writing this cause I relate to Lena in this so much. I'm really sorry if any of the characters are ooc or if there are any errors. If you have any ideas or advice feel free to message me on tumblr I'm queenghostling.

A sigh escaped red lips as Lena closed her laptop, unable to concentrate any longer on the string of words and numbers. Sitting back in her sleek office chair, Lena picked up her phone to figure out the time. Another sigh passed her lips at the fact it was almost four in the morning and she wondered what Jess would say if she knew. Her assistant always tried to get her to leave the office before midnight yet most of the time Lena stayed late much like she just had. This was due to the fact Lena disliked leaving L-Corp as her apartment never felt welcoming. Unfortunately, Lena did have to sleep, eat, shower, and change clothes so she slowly put her things into her bag in order to leave.

Unlocking her phone, the Luthor dialed her driver and put the phone up to her ear. The only sound in the building was the sound of her black heels on tile echoing through the halls of the empty skyscraper. It felt haunted almost, in a way abandoned. It was how Lena liked it. The solitude, the emptiness. It mirrored her own. “I’m on my way down,” Lena told her driver as she slowly approached the elevator. “I’ll be about five minutes.” With that done, she hung up and glanced at her phone. A smile formed on her lips at the sight of a text from the one person who could make her feel less alone and empty.

_1:28am Kara Danvers: dont stay at the office for too long even geniuses need their sleep_

_Read 3:56am_

 

Lena looked up from her phone as the elevator door opened up and she stepped inside, wondering what she did to deserve such a wonderful friend such as the ray of sunshine that was Kara Danvers. Her eyebrows furrowed as she felt her phone buzz in her hand and she looked down to see another text from Kara. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight until she found herself frowning when she realized Kara was up as well.

 

            _3:58am Kara Danvers: i thought i said not to stay at the office too long. lena you should be sleeping_

_Read 4:00am_

_4:02am Lena Luthor: She says as if she isn’t also up at this point in time. Don’t worry I’m heading home now I just lost track of time. I hope we are still on for lunch tomorrow._

 

Lena glanced up just as she got to the ground floor and slipped her phone into her pocket. She would have to check to see if Kara replied later. The thought of texting Kara created a warmth in her chest that Lena had come to acknowledge as being caused only by Kara. Ever since the sunny reporter walked into her office with Clark Kent, Lena had felt lighter and warmer. The coldness that Lena had known before was long forgotten by now and Lena found herself gravitating towards the blonde as their friendship developed. By now they had lunch together almost every day except for when the Luthor had meetings or Kara had something that came up. Sliding into the car that was waiting for her, Lena pulled out her phone and found herself feeling disappointed that Kara had not replied to her. Perhaps Kara had just fallen asleep before she could reply. Surely that was the reason there was no reply. Closing her eyes, Lena put her phone back into her pocket and just let her mind wander, and of course it wandered to a certain blue eyed blonde.

The first think Lena did when she got into her apartment was drink. It was the only way she could sleep peacefully she figured out and she honestly didn’t care. Lena set her bag down on an immaculate white couch she had never used, never had need to use. Pouring herself a glass of bourbon, she quickly downed the first glass before pouring more. She glanced out the glass door leading to her balcony as she removed her heels and a deadly thought popped into her mind before she ignored it, opting for more alcohol to silence her mind and keep her thoughts from escalating. Grabbing the bottle of bourbon, Lena made her way to her bedroom, a chill running down her spine at the unwelcoming nature of her cold apartment. There was no sense of home here. It was all black, greys, and whites. Monochromatic and minimalistic. There were no personal touches. No photographs nor any decorations that she picked out herself, it was all carefully decorated by someone she had paid to furnish the apartment and she had never had the chance to add her own touches. Her bedroom was the most inviting yet that was because bedrooms were often a sanctuary for her. A place to hide from Lillian as a child, a place where sleep granted her an escape from her solitary and empty life. But it was still cold and empty.

For a moment Lena just stood in the doorframe and stared at her bed. It was probably meant for two people and the shimmering silver sheets did nothing to make it warm and inviting. She wondered what it would be like to fall asleep with someone’s arms around her, holding her close and filling her with the warmth the bed then in the dark room, lit only by the lights of the city outside of her window. The blue eyes of her one friend popped into her mind and her cheeks grew warm. The green eyed woman quickly blamed the alcohol and took another large swallow of the liquid. The way it burned felt good and Lena poured more as she drank more. By the time Lena had changed, half of the bottle was gone and she felt numb though not numb enough. However, it was after five in the morning and she had work to do in the morning. Lena finished off the drink in her glass and set it on her dresser next to the half empty bottle of bourbon. Hopefully there was enough alcohol in her system to keep her from dreaming. With that hope in mind, Lena slid into bed and sleep took hold of her soon after.

 

*~*~*

 

By the time noon rolled around, Lena was done. She was beyond done and she was extremely thankful to have Jess as her assistant, ever observant, had announced two hours earlier when she arrived late to her office that her schedule was cleared until two in the afternoon. Thankfully not much was affected as she only had a few minor meetings with some of the heads of projects that were minor compared to some others. It was nothing that was urgent which allowed her the chance to suffer her hangover in peace.

A knock at the door caused Lena’s head to throb, but thankfully her Luthor upbringing kept her composed on the outside. “Come in,” she said to whoever had knocked as she took a sip of scalding tea, the only thing that helped during hangovers. Fight one form of suffering with another.

“Lena,” the cheerful voice of Kara Danvers said causing a flutter in Lena’s stomach. “I hope you aren’t busy cause I brought Chinese.” The blonde reporter walked in and headed to the couch like usual when they had their lunches together. The room was instantly brighter even though it was a clear and sunny day and it was impossible for it to be even brighter, but somehow Kara made that happen. “I’m sorry I didn’t reply I had just come back to my apartment from dealing with this awful goo-” Kara paused as if she realized she said something she shouldn’t have and her hand went up to fiddle with her glasses as she continued, “dessert that my sister made with her girlfriend and Mo-Mike was waiting in my apartment for me.” She frowned at herself for a second before turning her attention back to Lena and beaming. “So, I hope you are hungry and not busy. I should have texted first before coming to make sure you weren’t busy, I completely forgot.”

“Kara, it’s fine,” Lena told her as she stood up, returning the smile that Kara was giving her. “I don’t have anywhere to be until two so don’t worry.” The raven haired woman sat down next to the blonde and wished she hadn’t been practically burning her tongue all day to better enjoy lunch with Kara.

The two ate and talked with ease, covering an array of topics before Kara took over the conversation with her current article. Kara complained about Snapper and how he had handed back Kara’s article almost five times for her to rewrite. Lena was tempted to go down to CatCo herself and snap at the man who seemed to be antagonizing the girl next to her. Lena stole a glance at Kara as she talked animatedly about how her sister and her girlfriend had proposed a nerf gun fight at the last game night which ended with Winn winning surprisingly. A smile tugged at Lena’s lips and she shifted her gaze to her lap as she continued to listen. Even Kara’s words held warmth. Suddenly, Lena felt her heart sink as she realized at some point she had fallen for her only friend. Her friend who had a boyfriend and was her _only_ friend. The smile faded from her lips and she moved the empty container off her lap and onto the coffee table as Kara’s words seem to fade as Lena focused on her hands on her lap.

“Do you wanna go out tomorrow?” The question surprised Lena and she looked at Kara with slight confusion. “It’s going to be Friday so my friend’s and I like to go to this bar to hang out. Since you are my friend I want you to come but it’s okay if you can’t, I know you are busy.”

“No, I’d be happy to come,” Lena replied as she smiled at Kara. Suddenly she felt a bit nervous at the idea of meeting Kara’s other friends. Wouldn’t her sister and boyfriend be there? Her heart felt like it was beating fast in her chest and she could have sworn she saw a concerned and confused look flash across Kara’s face. She glanced at the time on her phone and noticed it was getting close to when her first meeting was. “I’m afraid we are going to have to start clearing all this up. I have a meeting in fifteen minutes.” She paused as she took a moment to think before adding, “Are you busy later? I think I’ll be able to get out of the office earlier than usual tonight and I think we should do something other than lunches in my office.” She gave Kara a smile as she started to clear up, hoping that Kara would be free.

Kara smiled and shook her head. “Nope, I have nothing I’m doing later besides binge watching movies on Netflix. You wanna come over and watch some movies?” Kara stuffed a whole potsticker into her mouth and said something unintelligible. She swallowed and sheepishly smiled as she repeated, “We can watch Finding Dory.”

Lena laughed and met Kara’s eyes. “I would love that, Kara. How about I get there at seven?” Lena checked her schedule mentally making sure she would be free. “Yes, I think that is the earliest I would be able to come over.”

“Seven is perfect,” Kara replied cheerfully. “I’ll make sure the popcorn is popped and the pillows fluffed.” There was a moment of silence as Kara glanced over Lena in a way that made the brunette’s heart flutter. “Do you want me to get a change of clothes for you if you are coming straight from here?” She smirked at Lena’s confused expression at the strange offer and added teasingly, “I doubt you own a single pair of sweatpants. I bet half a pizza you don’t.”

Lena kept her expression neutral, fighting the urge to smirk as well, as she found a wonderful opportunity to have some fun with Kara and her bet. “Well, I’ll go home and change and then we can see if you are right or not.” Kara studied Lena’s expression and a crinkle appeared between her eyebrows as she thought. “I’ll be there around seven thirty.”

Lena stood and took the trash to the garbage can before turning back to Kara. The fact Kara just bet food had just hit her and it was clear she was starting to regret her decision. After a moment of thought, Kara stood and smoothed out her dress. With a smile, she crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Lena, causing the Luthor to stiffen for a moment before returning the hug. The scent of vanilla, lavender, and honey enveloped Lena and she found herself fighting against clutching Kara tighter to her, hoping to keep the warmth Kara gave her. All too soon the hug ended and disappointment filled Lena as the warmth was replaced by coldness and a hollow feeling inside of her.

“I’ll see you at seven thirty then,” Kara said with a smile and wave as she headed for the door. All Lena could do was nod as she forced a smile to return to the woman who was the embodiment of sunshine. When Kara left the room and the doors closed, it was as if all the light from the room went with her. The world had never felt more cold and empty as it did then, with Lena’s feelings realized and the lack of Kara’s presence. All the young Luthor could do was slowly return to her desk and sit in her chair, putting her face in her hands as she tried to get over the numbness inside of her.

Lena’s world was one of coldness and emptiness. She was broken and damaged. How could the broken ever reach the sun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate feedback, kudos, and ideas. I hope you like the story and hopefully an update will come at some point. I'm actually a bit busy with school and I'm going to try to audition for a role so let's see how that goes.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hasn't been read over by anyone and I didn't read over it cause I am tired plus I really wanna upload this chapter I really liked writing this chapter. So any mistakes I'm sorry and hopefully next time I'll be better. But enjoy.  
> Also yes the title is inspired by the song Sleepover which inspired this fic.

“You think they would have realized by now that I’m more than capable of running this company,” Lena complained to Jess as she poured herself a glass of water, her head pounding. Her last meeting of the day had been with the board and, like always, most of the time the stuffy, old men had just tried to tell her how to do her job.

“They’re just threatened by the fact you are not only a woman but that you are also young,” Jess said as she set down a file on Lena’s desk. There was an unspoken pact between the two that they could complain about their lives, both work and personal, and Lena secretly enjoyed that fact as she rarely felt comfortable with others enough to indulge in complaining about life to. “Also, the fact you’re a Luthor might have them on edge too.”

Lena sighed as she turned and took a sip of water, running her free hand through her hair. “I suppose you are right. It does give me some pleasure thinking that I get under their skin.” A smirk formed on her lips and she set her glass down as her eyes drifted to the couch she and Kara had been sitting on only hours ago. A small remnant of the warmth and light Kara held seemed to linger as Lena thought of their lunch, almost able to see the two of them conversing and laughing.

“Miss Luthor?” Jess’s voice pulled Lena out of her recollection of her earlier lunch and she blinked twice before looking at the other woman. “Did you hear a single word I said, Miss Luthor?”

“Ah, sorry, no,” Lena apologized as she sat down. What was going on with her these days? Ever since she met Kara Lena had started to space out more often and often her thoughts drifted towards that sunny reporter. “I’m sorry, Jess, could you repeat what you said?”

Jess furrowed her brows but said nothing in regards to how her boss seemed to have her heads in the clouds recently. “I said that if I was in your position I would try to get under their skin more often. But you should also be careful.” Jess fiddled with the watch around her wrist and her hesitance was clear on her face, earning a look of confusion from Lena. “I don’t mean to pry, I know you don’t like talking about your personal life, but just so you know I’m here if you need to talk about anything.”

Lena shifted her expression to a more neutral one as she processed what Jess was trying to say. Basically, it was clear something was on her mind. “Jess, I am grateful for your concern, but honestly I have no personal life that doesn’t revolve around LCorp. I will keep what you said in mind and I’m glad to know I have someone like you I can go to.” Lena gave Jess a smile, one she hoped would be sufficient to show Jess that she is fine, and took a sip of her water. “What’s the schedule for tomorrow?” she asked hoping to divert her assistant’s attention to work rather than on herself.

Jess gave her a look but began to relay tomorrow’s schedule to the young Luthor. There was hardly anything to be done other than look over the progress of projects and talk to the project heads. Perhaps Lena would be able to look into a personal project she wanted to start. A frown appeared on her lips at the thought of it even though she was looking forward to starting working on the project. It was who she needed to seek a partnership from she was unhappy with. When Jess finished telling her tomorrow’s plans, Lena nodded and turned her attention to her tablet, signaling to Jess she was free to go.

“Oh, Jess, you are free to go home,” Lena said before the other woman left her office. “I’m leaving in about an hour so you are done for today. And you can take tomorrow off as well.”

A smile grew on Jess’s lips and the woman nodded before leaving. Lena turned in her chair and looked out the window at the skyline of National City. She always liked her office for its view. Standing, she went to her minibar and pulled out a bottle of wine to pour into a glass, filling almost the entirety of the glass with the red liquid. The weather was nice and Lena needed fresh air, so she stepped out onto the balcony she honestly loved more than her office itself. Perhaps she would spend a day working out here if the weather permitted.

The sun warmed her skin as Lena put her glass to her lips. The sun was something she never quite cared for before. The activities she found joy in often involved staying indoors so she often would simply stay inside. Now she enjoyed the warmth of the sun and the fresh air. It was odd but not unwelcomed. Taking a long sip, Lena leaned against the railing of the balcony and looked at the people on the streets, appearing like ants at this height. A shadow flashed across her arms and Lena glanced up to see a familiar red and blue streak. Green eyes tracked the superhero as the Kryptonian floated in the air, looking for anything that needed her attention.

There was something about how Supergirl just floated there, the wind gently pushing at her cape, and the way the sun hit her that made Lena want to pull out and get a picture. If anything, she would show it to Kara who she knew liked and was friends with the hero. It took a while but Lena finally got a good picture when her alarm to leave work to make it to Kara’s went off, causing her to drop her phone.

“Shit,” Lena sighed as she closed her eyes at the acceptance that she would have to buy a new phone at some point or ask Jess if she could do it for her. She nodded slowly and polished off her wine, heading back inside to head home to change before going to Kara’s.

“Drop something?” a voice asked causing Lena to turn around to find Supergirl holding out her phone. A smile was on the hero’s lips as her red boots touched down on Lena’s balcony. The Kryptonian’s eyes looked at the screen which showed the alarm Lena had set before handing it over to the raven haired woman. “I won’t keep you, it seems you have somewhere to be. But do be careful, I won’t always be around for every dropped phone.” Supergirl laughed at her warning and she nodded to Lena before preparing to take off.

“Thank you,” Lena said hastily, afraid the heroine would have left before the words left her lips. Lena wondered if she sounded as desperate to say those words as she felt she seemed. She knew the words were for more than just the phone but she wouldn’t admit that. She was a Luthor and Supergirl was a Super yet the woman never seemed to hold her last name against her. In fact, they seemed to be on the path of friendship though Lena wasn’t sure if she should call their relationship anything more than acquaintances just yet. “I won’t keep you either, I’m sure you have a city to protect.” Lena nodded her goodbye and retreated inside before she could say anything else that would delay her departure from the office.

 

*~*~*

 

Lena had gone to her apartment, changed into dark green long sleeved shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants tucked into brown Uggs, and made it to the door of Kara’s apartment with five minutes to spare. Her fist was up to knock at Kara’s door but she couldn’t bring herself to complete the action. She felt exposed wearing clothes she reserved for the privacy of her apartment. She had even removed her make-up from the day and replaced it with a more natural look. She felt exposed and she was growing more and more afraid that her broken and hollow interior would be exposed as well.

Taking in a deep breath, Lena softly knocked on the door. Seconds later, the door opened to reveal Kara who wore a grey sweatshirt and leggings. Her hair was a mess on top of her head in a bun but she still looked absolutely beautiful.

“Lena, hey,” Kara greeted with a bright smile that could rival the sun. Blue eyes looked the Luthor up and down and Kara pouted. “Lena, how could you?” Kara asked as if Lena had just committed the worst crime on the planet. The blonde moved to let Lena walk in before closing the door.

The TV was on, softly playing a Disney movie that Kara left going. A popping sound caused Lena to jump slightly until she realized it was just popcorn that Kara must have just put into the microwave. In the kitchen, Kara had the phone up to her ear probably ordering pizza. The apartment felt homey and welcoming, the complete opposite of Lena’s. The smell of popcorn butter mingled with the scent of lavender which oddly seemed to go well with each other. Perhaps it was because it was something relating to Kara and everything that had to do with Kara was just perfect.

“What type of pizza do you like?” Kara asked as she held the phone to her chest. “Also make yourself at home. Go sit on the couch and look through Netflix for something to watch if you want.”

Lena looked at the couch and then at Kara. She hardly ate pizza but she knew Kara loved the greasy food. “Get whatever you want, Kara, I’ll gladly eat it.”

Kara nodded and lifted the phone back to her ear, leaning on the counter as she spoke. Lena couldn't help but stare at the other woman for what felt like hours only it had to have been a second or two. She tore herself away to do what Kara suggested, hesitating before sitting down in a corner of the couch and putting her bag down on a chair nearby. She quickly located the remote and went to the Netflix menu. Lena had no idea what to watch, she never had time for shows or anything of the sort. Thankfully there were summaries of the shows that she could read. After reading a few summaries in her search, Kara plopped down next to her with a large bowl of popcorn that she set on the coffee table.

“Wanna watch a movie or a show?” Kara asked as she dragged a blanket from where it had been draped over the back of the couch and placed it over their laps.

“Hmm, what about a show first and then after a few episodes we can watch a movie?” Lena proposed, scrolling back to a show she had thought to be interesting out of those she had seen so far. It seemed like something Kara would like considering it had already been viewed for a few episodes. “What about a few episodes of this and then we watch, what was it, Finding Dory?” Lena turned to face Kara more, causing her knee to slightly touch Kara’s leg.

Kara’s face grew excited seeing what Lena had put it on and she broke out in a smile. “Yes, this show is so good. Have you ever seen it?” As she questioned Lena, she took the remote from her friend and Lena’s heart pounded in her chest. All Lena could do was shake her head as she tried to control her traitorous heart and Kara frowned. “You missed out then. I’m sad they finished the series but I guess there is only so much you can do after a while.” She started the show from episode one and began to munch on the popcorn.

Lena could only concentrate on the show for so long until her attention would turn to Kara. Something would instigate the shift, a burst of laughter or their hands brushing when Lena reached for some popcorn at the same time Kara did. Each little instance would cause a warmth to spread through Lena’s body and her heart would begin to race. Every so often Kara would glance at her too with a confused look on her face for some reason but would then smile at Lena.

 At the end of the first episode, the pizza guy arrived and Kara jumped up and bounded over to retrieve the food. Lena paused the show and glanced at Kara to see why she was taking so long. A few words reached Lena’s ears but she couldn’t figure out what was being said. Kara blocked the doorway meaning Lena couldn’t see who it was, at least not until Kara seemed to begrudgingly move out of the way. Two women, one vaguely familiar she knew to be Kara’s sister and one unfamiliar, walked in and stopped when they saw Lena.

“Well, what do you know,” the short woman who Lena had never seen before began as she flashed a dimpled smile, “looks like Little Danvers has a famous friend.” The woman set down the two boxes of pizza she had been holding and walked over halfway to Lena, holding out a hand. “Maggie Sawyer, NCPD Science Division. I’m Kara’s sister’s girlfriend.”

Lena shifted to CEO mode and stood up to go over to Maggie, taking her hand to shake it. “Lena Luthor, though I’m sure you already knew that.” A smile made its way onto Lena’s face as she retracted her hand and wondered what the two women were doing here. The smile faded when the Luthor noticed Alex looking at her warily.

Kara seemed to have noticed as well because she walked over to Lena and took one of Lena’s hands, causing the woman’s heart to practically burst out of her chest and her chest to grow warm. The action only seemed to make the gaze grow sharper and even more cautious. “I hope it’s okay they came up. The pizza guy recognized Alex when she was walking by with Maggie and she took the pizzas.” Kara led Lena back to the couch, this time the opposite side they had been sitting and now farther from the door. It was as if Kara was trying to say that Lena was here to stay by leading her farther from the door. Lena sat down, in the corner of the couch like before, and Kara sat next to her, draping the blanket over them once more.

Alex pursed her lips and seemed to take that as her cue to bring over the boxes of pizza with Maggie. In total, there were five boxes with probably two having almost any topping possible. Alex sat next to her sister and placed down the pizzas she had been carrying before looking up. “Oh God, not Glee.”

Kara looked at Alex as if she had just insulted her. “Glee is amazing. Especially the fourth and fifth seasons.”

“That’s cause there’s an actor who looks like you,” Maggie countered. The detective sat down next to Alex and added to the pile of pizza before grabbing a slice. She leaned against her girlfriend and rested a hand on Alex’s thigh.

“So?” Kara asked grabbing a whole box and checking it. “Hey, where’s the cheese pizza? Half of that goes to Lena.” Kara glanced up to meet shocked stares from her sister and Maggie and she frowned. “I lost a bet.” Checking the next box, Kara cheered victoriously as she found the right pizza. “Here we can share,” she said as she set the box on the blanket.

The pizza was warm, even through the blanket, but Lena could feel the heat coming from Kara more than the heat from the food. She wanted more of that heat, that warmth. Lena wanted to wrap her arms around Kara and never let go. To never allow that source of warmth and safety to leave her. Instead, Lena smiled at Kara and took a slice of pizza as Kara switched it to Finding Dory.

“Sorry for them crashing our night together,” Kara apologized. Before Lena could reply, Kara added, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. This weekend let’s go see the new Beauty and the Beast movie.” Kara smiled when Lena just nodded and Kara didn’t seem to notice the way Alex seemed to be watching Lena or how Lena let a brief look of disappointment flash across her features at the fact their night together seemed to have turned into an impromptu Sister Night.

“Hey, Danvers, where’s the booze?” Maggie asked softly, leaning in close to Alex to whisper into her ear.

“Check the fridge,” Alex replied taking her gaze from the TV to look at Maggie. “Get me one if there is enough.”

Maggie hummed in acknowledgement and stood up. Instead of going to the fridge she walked around the back of the couch and leaned in between Kara and Lena’s heads. “Either of you want anything from the fridge?”

Kara shook her head as she seemed enthralled by the movie but Lena turned as much as she could to look at Maggie, whispering, “Whatever alcohol there is I’ll have some of that. If that’s okay.” Lena wasn’t entirely sure if she should have asked for anything but considering the fact it was offered must have meant it was okay.

Maggie nodded, smiling at Lena comfortingly as she did, and walked to the kitchen to get three beers. When she came back she also had a cup of banana pudding with two spoons, a spoon for her and one for Alex. When the bottle of alcohol was passed over to Lena, Kara noticed the pudding and practically lunged at Maggie causing Alex to gasp Kara’s name out of shock.

“No, Maggie, that’s my favorite!” Kara exclaimed as she took the pudding from the detective. “I had to go to-” Kara froze in the middle of her sentence as she sat back up, removing herself from Alex’s lap. “I had to go to that one place an hour away to get that so you can’t have it.” Kara held out one of the spoons for Lena with a smile. “Here we can share.”

“Oh, come on, Kara,” Maggie pleaded holding out her hand.

“She can have it instead of me,” Lena said putting the pizza on the table to insure it would be safe in case Kara decided to jump up or lunge at someone again. “Honestly, I have had a bit too much to eat, it's fine.”

Kara frowned but handed the spoon back to Maggie. Lena watched as the movie was temporarily forgotten as Maggie and Kara debated over who would hold the bowl until Alex practically shouted that she would hold it if it would just get them to stop behaving like children. Lena just watched, a smile on her face as she watched Kara, not caring if anyone noticed because all she could see was Kara.

“Here.” Kara’s voice pulled her out of her trance as she noticed Kara lower the spoon from her mouth to get another spoonful which she held out for Lena. “Just try some. I promise it’s good.”

A thought popped into Lena’s head. She did want to try some but what if she kissed Kara instead. Would her lips taste like the pudding? To be honest, Lena didn’t really care if she did or not. Her fingers twitched slightly at the need to touch Kara. Touch her face, her arms, her shoulders, just Kara. Her heart ached and she knew it ached for her friend. She was in deep and for once Lena didn’t mind. She wanted to be around Kara even if she had to fight these feelings. She had been taught since she was a young teenager to hide these feeling she had.

“Lena?”

Lena blinked at focused on reality and Kara, ignoring the two other sets of eyes she knew were on her. “Sure, I’ll try some,” Lena said, letting Kara basically feed her. She turned her attention to the movie as her cheeks grew warm and she prayed that none of the others noticed.

The rest of the movie passed rather uneventfully. Her mind wandered back and forth between thinking of kissing Kara or just wrapping her arms around her and what was happening in the movie. As the movie progressed, so did her level of exhaustion and she gradually began to lean against Kara until her head was on her shoulder. Not long after her head rested on the strong shoulder of the blonde did Lena drift off into sleep.

 

_“You should be ashamed of yourself, Lena,” Lillian scolded as soon as she got off the phone. It was years ago in the Luthor manor and Lillian stood over a fifteen year old Lena who sat on the couch in the living room. “I didn’t raise you to act like this. Do you know what this could have done to this family’s reputation? To know that someone was like that in this household?” The Luthor matriarch wrapped her hand around Lena’s upper arm tightly, digging her nails into the soft skin, and dragged her daughter upstairs. “What am I going to tell your father? Think of how ashamed he is going to be?”_

_Everything faded but the words Lillian spoke echoed around Lena._

_“You should be ashamed of yourself, Lena. You should be ashamed. Ashamed.”_

 

“Lena.” Lena didn’t hear the soft voice over the words of her mother inside her dream. “Lena, wake up,” Kara repeated. Alex and Maggie had left half an hour ago leaving Kara to clean up as she let Lena sleep. It wasn’t until Lena started tossing and turning that Kara rushed over to her friend to check to see if something was wrong. “Lena,” Kara repeated shaking Lena gently. She had lifted Lena onto her lap to better soothe her, smoothing back her raven locks as Lena whimpered in her sleep.

Lena shot up into a sitting position when she woke up, tears streaming down her face as Lillian’s words echoed in her mind even outside of the dream. She turned around to see Kara and she didn’t care about appearances or seeming weak as she wrapped her arms around Kara and sobbed into her friend’s shoulder. Kara’s arms slid around her waist and held her shaking body tightly, murmuring comforting words into Lena’s ears.

“It was just a dream,” Kara murmured softly as Lena grasped Kara’s sweatshirt as if the blonde was her anchor, grounding her to the present rather than hearing the echoes of the past. “I got you.”

Kara’s words caused Lena to cry even harder and they stayed like that until Lena grew too tired to continue crying and the tears stopped flowing. Neither of them let go of the other as Kara waited for Lena to be ready to be released and Lena just never wanted to let go. Lena pulled back when the sound of a key in the door reached their ears. Lena cursed the fact she probably looked horrible from crying and was glad she was wearing waterproof mascara, hoping her face wasn’t too blotchy from the crying.

“Kara, I brought potstickers,” a man’s voice announced as the speaker walked into the apartment. Kara stood up, casting a worried glance at Lena, before walking over to the man. “Hey, beautiful,” the man greeted leaning down to kiss Kara on the lips.

Lena glanced down at her hands as her heart felt like it had just been shattered and the echoed words filled her head. “Ah, Mike,” Kara began as she took the bag from Mike to put on the counter, “this is my friend Lena. Lena, this is my boyfriend Mike. You two haven’t met but she’s coming to the bar tomorrow to hang out.”

Mike frowned and looked at Lena. “You mean Lena Luthor? Are you sure she should be coming to hang out? Are you sure she is okay to be around in general?” Kara looked like she was about to comment, but Mike continued, “Does she even know that it’s an alien bar? You know a few people won’t be too keen to seeing a Luthor there. I hear what they say about that Lex guy.”

Lena felt sick as she heard him talk about her as if she wasn’t there. “I think I’m going to go,” Lena announced, standing up. “Also if it doesn’t seem like I’ll be wanted tomorrow I won’t go. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

“No,” Kara said, shooting a glare at her boyfriend. She went over to Lena and placed a hand on her arm. “Don’t go, I don’t think you should be alone after that dream. It seemed to be a bad one and I think company is what’s best for you.” She lowered her hand down to hold Lena’s hand as she turned to look at Mike. “You will be working tomorrow so you make sure that no one tries to do anything to Lena. If she’s with us, then they will have to be okay with her.” Kara turned to Lena and smiled warmly, squeezing Lena’s hand. “Wanna watch some more Glee?”

Lena looked at Kara and then at the man glaring at her and she thought about how she had work tomorrow and she rather not wake up like she had moments earlier. Shaking her head, Lena freed her hand from Kara’s and stepped back. “I should go. I don’t want to keep you from your boyfriend and I need to get home. I have work tomorrow.” Lena felt her eyes sting from tears that were threatening to fall as she grabbed her bag. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” She left not waiting for Kara to walk her out or to hear a goodbye. She did hear the sound of Mike going over to Kara. Then, as she turned to close the door behind her, she saw them on the couch where she had been sitting with Kara earlier and her heart hurt as the sight of them kissing seemed to last forever rather than the half second it took to close the door.

The tears she had been struggling to hold back blurred her vision as she messaged her driver, not trusting her voice not to crack as she broke down in tears right there outside of Kara’s door. Part of her expected Kara to open the door and envelope her in a hug, but minutes passed as she waited for a response from her driver and the door remained closed. So, Lena wiped away the tears and headed down stair to her car. It was cold and empty without Kara near. She felt like a part of her was missing, a part she felt like she had when she had been in Kara’s arms. But now it was just cold and empty. The feeling followed her into her unwelcoming apartment that was the opposite of Kara’s and it lingered as she drank. The emptiness ebbed way as she acted on impulse and red lines stood out against white skin. The pain felt good, felt like something. She would have to wear long sleeves for a while but at least she felt something.

The self-inflicted pain couldn’t compare to the pain within her heart, however. Lena’s heart hurt so much. It hurt and it hurt in a way that made it seem like she was falling apart. But for some odd reason she didn’t mind. She knew of a French term for this kind of pain. _La douleur exquise_. “The exquisite pain”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying this fic. PLease leave comments, feedback, ideas, kudos, or even just a hi. You can find me at queenghostling on tumblr so please send me messages or anything there too. Also don't get used to updates so close together. I really hope y'all like this and hope you all stick around for the ride.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm
> 
> This hasn't been read over so all errors and mistakes are mine. I changed the tags and stuff a bit for stuff I am planning in the future and language. There is a trigger warning of self harm in this chapter. I hope you all enjoy this. Please feel free to find me at queenghostling on tumblr.

Thank God it was Friday. Lena wanted to get away from all things that had to do with work. She was already annoyed with everyone and she felt a tinge of guilt at having snapped at one of her employees earlier for having messed up the wiring of something they had been working on. She sighed as she looked through her emails and was thankful she was meeting up with Kara later. Her phone buzzed as she got what was probably the fiftieth text that day making sure Lena was going to the bar. A smile appeared on Lena’s lips as she tapped on the notification and reassured Kara yet again that she was. The thought of going to an alien dive bar did make Lena a bit nervous but knowing Kara would be there made it better.

“Miss Luthor, we are here,” Nicholas, Lena’s driver, announced as he put the car into park. “Should I wait here for you or will you contact me when you are ready to leave?”

Lena locked her phone and put it in the pocket of her skirt as she grabbed her bag. “I am hoping to make this as quick as I possibly can, so I would like to say just stay here but after ten minutes if I’m not back you can go but stay close.” Lena got out of the car before Nicholas could even unbuckle to get out to open Lena’s door and the brunette was already reaching to open the door to the building she was more than dreading venturing into.

“Ah, Lena Luthor,” a voice said as Lena headed towards the stairs. Maxwell Lord stood on the staircase, leaning against the railing while he looked down on the green eyed woman. “To what do I owe this visit?” The man walked down and smirked at Lena, his eyes subtly looking over her.

Lena ignored the way he looked at her as she reached into her bag for her tablet. “I am here to propose a partnership,” Lena said, walking up the stairs to be at the same level as Lord. When he took a step up, smirking as if this was some sort of power play, Lena narrowed her eyes but otherwise her expression was neutral. “I have a project I have been working on that I feel would be finished sooner if we work together than if I worked alone. Also, I feel as though you have knowledge that might make this product better than what I could on my own.” Internally, Lena was gagging at the fact she was basically feeding Lord’s ego but it seemed to be working as the man on the next step up motioned for her to follow as he went upstairs.

They talked while they walked, mostly about technology and the latest developments in the field, though being careful not to discuss what they themselves were working on considering they were rivals. At some point, the conversation shifted towards politics and the different social events they attended as members of the higher social circles of National City. To Lena, the conversation they were having was incredible annoying. Lena was not Maxwell’s biggest fan ever since he tried to ask her out at the last gala they were both at and it seemed he was still intent on asking her again if the way he was looking at her was any indication. Despite the fact her mind was telling her to get as far away from this man as she could, she simply continued to walk with Lord with her back straight and chin up. She nodded wordlessly when Lord gestured for her to enter his office as he continued to prattle on about himself which was their current topic, though Lena wasn’t really listening.

“So, what’s this proposition you have for me?” Lord asked as he leaned back against his desk, his eyes on Lena and that permanent smug look on his face.

Lena opened up her file on what she wanted to show Lord and held it out for him to look at. “A translation device. It would look like earbuds but it would translate any language, either any from this planet or one from another. It would help people who work with refugees, alien or human. It can also help in hospitals and clinics.” Lena watched him look over the files on her tablet and kept her expression blank even when her phone vibrated in her pocket. No doubt it was Kara but the sunny blonde would have to wait.

Maxwell nodded and looked up at Lena. “How do you plan to compile a database of alien languages?”

Lena thought for a moment and wondered herself how she would be getting all those languages so that she could create this device. “I was hoping you would have some files or data on alien languages. It’s no secret you have shown an interest in aliens in the past.”

Maxwell chuckled a bit as he nodded a bit. “You would be correct in that assumption though I would expect you would have access to Lex’s files. I don’t have much in terms of language but I can help.” Max frowned as he noticed how Lena tensed at the mention of her brother but said nothing as he looked back at the blueprints.

Lena looked out the window at the city as she clenched her jaw. She glanced back at Lord and said, “I deleted those files as soon as I could. I heard Lex knew the identity of Superman and I felt that it would be better for the Man of Steel if he was allowed his privacy. I also didn’t like the idea of having blueprints and files for making weapons meant to kill available even if only I could access them.”

“I think this is a really interesting idea,” Lord told her as he handed Lena back her tablet. “I would be very interesting in working with you on this.” He walked around his desk and sat down. “We would have to find out how to create a language database.” The egotistical man paused and smiled at Lena. “Perhaps we can talk about the logistics more over dinner.” Maxwell’s words held a double meaning and Lena felt her stomach twist at the thought of being on a dinner date with Maxwell Lord. However, she wanted to bring this product to the market since it would help a lot of people. She wanted to use LCorp as a force for good and this project would help do that.

Lena steeled herself as she forced a small smile and nodded at Lord. “I would be happy to talk more over lunch. I have to go now anyway so we can talk more when we meet for dinner.” Lena put her tablet back into her bag and pulled out her phone to put down when they would have dinner. After a few dates and times were proposed, they finally got a time down and Lena was more than grateful to be told she would have to walk out on her own as Maxwell had a meeting to go to. Lena was quick to escape the building and was thankful Nicholas was still waiting for her standing next to the car in order to be ready to open her door.

“I knew I could count on you to be a good getaway driver,” Lena said with a smirk as she sat down inside of the car. Lena pulled out her phone and smiled at the three texts from Kara, one of which was entirely emojis. Lena replied to them, confirming yet again she was going to be going out with Kara and her friends that night. Lena looked out the window and watched the people as the car drove by. They were all happy, normal people. People not tied to a name synonymous with hate and destruction. Lena felt her heart constrict as she wondered if anyone could ever love her. Could ever love a Luthor. Perhaps sunny Kara Danvers could if she wasn’t straight. Lena shifted her gaze to her lap as the ride continued until Nicholas pulled up in front of her apartment.

“Thank you,” Lena said as she got out of the car. She gave her driver a smile before heading inside to go up to her place.

The elevator ride up allowed her mind to wander and dark thoughts filled her mind. All too soon she was unlocking her door, her body moved on its own as she removed her heels and changed into something more comfortable, a dark green tank top and black sweatpants. She moved to the kitchen and simply opened a bottle of bourbon before lifting it to her lips to drink out of. Half a bottle later she made her way to the bathroom and a soft voice told her not to do what she was already beginning to do as she walked into the room and found a razor blade. Before she could register what she was doing, her hand was already setting to work making deep red lines on her arms, adding to the marks she had made yesterday. It stung and burned but it made her realize she was alive and could feel. Lena looked at herself in the mirror and took a shaky breath. The feeling of blood trickling down her arms barely registered in her mind but the brunette knew she had to cover the wounds somehow. A knock at her balcony door startled her and she gripped the bathroom counter as she began to feel dizzy, either from the alcohol or blood loss. Lena quickly wiped away the blood and walked to her bedroom to grab a black jacket she didn’t mind getting blood on before walking to the door to the balcony.

“Supergirl,” Lena greeted as she opened the glass door to find the Girl of Steel. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” To be honest, Lena was slightly startled by the concerned look Supergirl’s face.

“I smelled blood,” the blonde hero stated as she hesitated before walking past Lena who had moved out of the way to let Supergirl in.

“You can smell blood?” Lena asked as she sat down on her couch, wincing slightly as the fabric of her jacket sleeves rubbed against her cuts. “Well, I don’t know why you would think that the smell is coming from-”

Lena was cut off by Supergirl gently grabbing her arms and gingerly pushing back the sleeves. “Lena,” Supergirl breathed as she looked at the other woman’s arms, blood still trickling out of the wounds. “Why did you do this to yourself?” she asked as she sat down next to Lena.

Lena yanked back her arms and pushed her sleeves back over her arms, ignoring the concern on Supergirl’s face. “You wouldn’t understand. Anyway, I’m just a Luthor who cares if I almost kill myself. One less Luthor to deal with.”

There was a gust of wind as the hero vanished and reappeared seconds later holding a first aid kit. “Arms,” the hero requested angling her body to face Lena with the kit on the coffee table. “If you give me a chance and tell me, I might be able to understand. And you aren’t just a Luthor. You’re Lena. You are more than a name, more than your family.” Supergirl removed the jacket from Lena’s body and hesitated before just dropping it on the floor. “Sorry, I don’t want to get blood on anything.” She frowned when Lena remained silent, staring at the cuts and scars on her arms. “Any other cuts than these on your arms?”

“Why are you doing this?” Lena asked rather than answering the question asked. “Don’t you have a city to protect? And I doubt you would understand unless you have fallen for someone who would never feel the same or felt like you were unwanted all your life.” Lena didn’t understand why she said that. Why would she feel like she could confide in a woman she had no idea the real identity of? Perhaps that was why she had the feeling she could tell this woman she hardly knew the things she never told anyone.

“I’m doing this because you _are_ part of this city,” Supergirl told Lena as she gently grabbed one of her arms and began to dab hydrogen peroxide on the cuts making Lena wince. “And because I care. I consider you a friend, Lena.” Supergirl lifted her blue eyes to look at Lena before returning to look at what she was doing. “Are there any other places you have cut? I will use my x-ray vision but I rather not invade your privacy.”

Lena let Supergirl’s words sink in as she watched the hero treat her cuts. The gentle fingers would trace over old scars before moving to the next cut, causing Lena to feel a shiver run down her spine. “I have some on my thighs and sides. They’re from a few days ago though.”

Supergirl was silent as she worked on Lena’s arms and she remained silent as she stood to throw away the trash that had accumulated. The hero looked at Lena as the CEO examined her bandaged arms before checking her phone, a confused look on her face at the fact there were no messages. “Why did you do this?” she asked once again as she walked over to the couch. “Also, could I, can I, may I?” she asked gesturing to Lena trying to ask to see to the rest of the cuts.

Lena stared at Supergirl for a moment before sighing as she lifted her tank top to let Supergirl see to the rest of her self-inflicted injuries. “If you really want to know, I don’t deal well with my feelings. I can act like I do, but I don’t. I have been feeling like no one wants me for me recently. I mean, people want me for my name, money, and power, but never for me. I’m a Luthor before I’m Lena.” The brunette closed her eyes and thought of the one person who saw her before her last name. A soft laugh passed her lips stopping Supergirl from speaking as Lena opened her eyes. “In the past, I’ve thought I’ve been wanted and loved but it was twisted and false. There’s one person who sees me for me though. I’m afraid of losing them, however. I just worry I might lose them.” Lena lowered her shirt when the heroine was down with the cuts on her sides and she hesitated before pushing down the waistband of her sweatpants. The cuts on her thighs were always the worst and she worried about what Supergirl would think of her. The hero was silent though, her jaw clenched shut as her blue eyes looked over the marked skin. “You think less of me now don’t you? I mean, I’m a mess. I do stuff like this to myself and I have these stupid feelings for a girl-” Lena froze as she realized she slipped up. She was so far in the closet she was a resident of Narnia and she never slipped up. She was always careful about the words she chose when she talked about crushes and the like. Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked at Supergirl’s face before moving away from the blonde and pulling back up her pants. Her expression turned blank and she looked at the jacket on the floor. “You heard nothing,” she said, mentally begging her voice not to shake. The words of Lillian echoed inside of her head as she wrapped her arms around her waist. “No one can know,” she added in a whisper.

Supergirl was silent as she slowly placed a hand on Lena’s shoulder. A moment of silence passed as tears silently rolled down Lena’s cheeks. “It’s okay to be yourself,” Supergirl said, breaking the silence. “I won’t say anything, and I don’t mind if you like girls, guys, or whatever. You are still Lena and Lena is amazing and brilliant. I know I’m just a random person, ignoring the cape, but I am here if you need to talk. If you call for me, I will always come if I can.” The heroine held out her arms, offering a hug, and the brunette took one look before wrapping her own around the other woman.

“Thank you,” Lena murmured as she hugged Supergirl, letting the hug linger until she composed herself. Moving back, the brunette wiped away the wetness on her face and cleared her throat. “I have somewhere I have to be in two hours so I should get ready. Thank you for doing what you did. And please, don’t tell anyone. I’m not ready for that to be known yet.”  
Supergirl stood up, putting her hands on her hips as she nodded. “Of course,” she replied. “And whoever this girl is is one lucky girl to have caught your eye.” The blonde smiled and began to walk to the balcony. “Remember, if you ever need me just call out for me. Even if all you need is a hug or someone to talk to, I’m here.” The blonde gave Lena a wave before stepping off to the balcony and taking off.

Lena stood up and took a deep breath as she walked over to close and lock the balcony door. “Thank you, Supergirl,” she whispered softly as she turned to begin to get ready for going out with Kara Danvers. A warm and light feeling found its way into Lena’s chest as she smiled at the fact she had just been accepted by someone for who she was and not what she portrayed herself as.

 

*~*~*

 

“Is this the right place?” Lena asked herself out loud. She stood where Kara told her to go and her blonde friend was not replying to her texts. So she simply stood outside, wearing a dark green camisole and black leather jacket with black skinny jeans and boots, staring at her phone waiting for some indication she was at the right place. She ran her fingers through her loose black hair and sighed.

“Hey, look what I found,” a voice said causing Lena to glance up. Maggie Sawyer sauntered over to her with Alex Danvers close behind. “You should keep this look. I mean you look badass in that corporate look you always have going on but this look is just as badass.” Maggie gave Lena a dimpled grin before taking Alex’s hand and heading to the dingy door at the end of the area. “Come on, Little Luthor.”

Lena looked at their intertwined fingers and followed the pair into the bar. It was exactly what she pictured a dive bar to look like and she was glad she was dressed correctly. Her eyes immediately looked for those blue eyes and a smile formed on her lips at the sight of Kara walking over towards her. The nudge Maggie gave Alex was not lost on the Luthor nor the whispers.

“Lena!” Kara called out before wrapping her arms around the brunette. The hug felt hesitant and gentler than usual but Lena ignored that and wrapped her arms around the blonde. “I'm so glad you came,” Kara said as she pulled back, taking one of Lena’s hand to take her to the table the others were. “I'll introduce you to everyone.”

Lena couldn't help but smile as she was led to the place Kara had been sitting. Two tables were pushed together with nine chairs around it, four of the seats already occupied.

“Hey, guys, this is Lena,” Kara began to introduce, sitting down and pulling Lena down into the seat next to her. “Lena, this is James. Olsen, Winn Schott, Lucy Lane, and J’onn J’onzz.” The other four said their hellos and Lena smiled at them. The chatter began and Lena listened, hyper aware of every movement and sound Kara made.

“So, Lena, anything interesting going on with LCorp?” James asked as he took a sip of his drink.

Lena raised an eyebrow and studied him. “Are you asking as a journalist or simply as someone who is curious?”

“Just curious,” he replied with a slight frown on his face at her question. He was no doubt testing her and the fact he was frowning meant he didn't trust her. Lena felt her stomach twist knowing she wasn't trusted. Was she really that tied to her last name?

“How about I get everyone some drinks?” J'onn asked, saving her from having to answer. She noticed the older man give James a look but before she could even wonder what that look meant, J'onn asked, “What do you want to drink, Lena?”

“She’ll have a Dr Pepper,” Kara blurted loudly before Lena could even speak, earning the looks or a few other patrons.

“I guess I'll have a Dr Pepper then,” Lena said, confused at why Kara would answer for her. Could she know about her cuts? No, that couldn't be it Supergirl said she wouldn't tell anyone. Lena looked away from Kara and jumped slightly when she found Winn looking at her trembling.

“You are a genius,” he said in a voice that trembled almost as much as his body. “The security system that was just released is amazing. And those phones that are being advertised are going to rival the ones Lord sells.”

“Settle down, fanboy,” Maggie interrupted Winn before he could fan over Lena more. The detective took a sip of her drink, her eyes glancing at Kara who was talking to Lucy and James before shifting back to Lena. “So, as someone not asking for any reason other than curiosity,” she began grinning at James who looked at the small woman with a frown, “what is LCorp working on?”

“Off the record,” Kara added to make sure that was clarified. At her words, James frowned and mumbled a goodbye before leaving, claiming he had things to do.

“Off the record,” Lena began, “I’m attempting to work with Lord Technologies to create a translation device that will hopefully help doctors and social workers deal with both aliens and humans. The trick will be getting the languages and coding it correctly.” She didn't add that no one would volunteer to help share their language to a Luthor but that fact didn't need to be said.

Kara fidgeted next to Lena, drawing green eyes to glance at her. The brunette began to converse with the others at the table but her attention was on the blonde next to her. The urge to reach out for her hand caused Lena’s fingers to twitch as she smiled at J'onn when he handed her her drink, fiddling with the straw to busy her hands. Even in the dim light of the bar, Kara looked beautiful despite the frown and pensive expression on her face. She wanted to reach out and touch Kara’s cheek, slowly leaning in to press her lips against Kara’s. But she couldn't. She wouldn't risk losing Kara just because she wanted to give into these feelings.

“Hey, babe,” Mike greeted, bending down to kiss Kara on the lips. “I got off my shift so I'm ready to take you up on that game of pool, Alex.” The man completely ignored Lena other than to glare at her with distrust in his eyes.

“Mags, wanna come watch me kick his ass?” Alex asked her girlfriend with a smirk on her face. Her cheeks were a light pink and it was clear she was tipsy already.

Maggie shook her head and took a sip of her drink. “Nah, but you kick his ass,” she said. The two kissed, drawing out the action causing Alex to partially sit on Maggie’s lap until J'onn cleared his throat causing them to separate.

Alex placed a small kiss on Maggie's lips before bounding over to the pool table to play against Mike.

“So, Lena, are you going to be at Game Night?” Lucy asked as she lifted a fry to her mouth. “I bet you would dominate at Monopoly.”

“I already suck at that game I was hoping we would get rid of it from the rotation,” Winn whined as he ignored the vibrating phone on the table in front of him. “Ugh, I'm going to have to call it early too. I got…stuff.” The nerdy man stood up and waved goodbye before calling someone on his phone, arguing in harsh whispers.

Next to Lena, the blonde reporter had already had one and a half drinks but was obviously tipsy as she mumbled something to J'onn before giggling to herself. Maggie had gotten up and began to talk to some patrons while Lena had no idea what to do with herself.

Lucy sighed, startling Lena, and rested her forehead against the table. “Not that this isn't fun with a slightly drunk Kara and an intoxicated Alex beating the shit out of that idiot Kara can stomach dating at pool, but I feel like dancing and not being at the bar. We are turning into the group from _How I Met Your Mother_. Every other day we go to the bar.”

“Hey, don't insult the bar, Little Lane,” Maggie said as she returned. “But you are in luck. I was just talking to this girl I ended up saving a few days back and she got me on the list to that club you have been talking about.” The detective smiled and sat down as her words sunk in. “We can go tomorrow if boss man says it's okay.”

Lucy looked at J'onn who nodded with a smile and the short brunette clutched her chest with a huge smile on her face. “Oh God I'm so excited I could hug you.”

“Please don’t,” Maggie said finishing off her drink. She looked over at the pool table to see Alex leaning on the pool stick waving at Maggie with a giant smile on her lips. “How long has she been doing that?”

“About five minutes,” Lena answered as she stood up. “I should go. I have to do some laundry and-”

Kara cut her off by taking her and and pulling her back down. “No, you should stay, I want you to stay,” the blonde slurred as she intertwined her fingers with Lena’s. “Come stay at my place tonight. We can have a sleepover.” Kara giggled as if her suggestion was a joke and she went to drink more before the other three at the table reached out to stop her, Lucy practically lunging across the table and almost knocking the glass over if Maggie hadn’t grabbed the glass when J’onn grabbed Kara’s arm. A frown formed on her soft lips but she smiled again as she looked at Lena. “Come stay with me, Lee. Lena, I don't want you to be alone you should watch more _Glee_ with me. Mon-El was gonna come over but I want you to come instead.” Kara didn’t even notice her slip up with Mike, Mon-El’s, name but Lena noticed.

Lena ignored the expectant look J’onn was giving her and focused instead on the drink blonde who was resting her head on Lena’s shoulder. Lena gave into the urge she had been suppressing all night and let her own head rest against Kara’s for a second before she pulled out her phone to message her driver. “Okay,” she said as she put her phone back into her jacket pocket, “I’ll sleepover at your place and watch more _Glee_ with you. But my driver will take us.” She gently pushed Kara off and stood up. “I’ll go tell Mike and your sister.” Lena looked at Maggie and motioned to Kara as if to say to watch her.

Maggie grabbed her arm as Lena went to walk to the pool table, “Give me your phone,” Maggie ordered. Lena looked at the shorter woman but complied, handing over her phone. “You’re a good one, Little Luthor, so I’m going to give you my number. Now you have a friend on the NCPD. Don’t let that go to your head.” Maggie handed the phone back to Lena and gave her a dimpled smile. “Text me when you get her home.”

Lena nodded and walked over to the pool table. “Hey, Alex,” Lena said, half ignoring Mon-El like he had done with her, “I’m taking your sister home. She wants me to stay over and she’s pretty drunk so I think it would be good if someone watches her.”

Alex nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Mon-El butt in, setting down the glass in his hand so hard it shattered. “Wait, I’m taking Kara home because I’m staying over. I am her boyfriend. You are just a stranger. You’re a _Luthor_.” It seemed like drunk Mon-El got angry, or more specifically angry at Lena. The drunk man took a step closer, reaching out as if to grab her, but in a flash Kara was in front of Lena before Alex or Lena could even react.

“Lena is staying over tonight,” Kara told Mon-El as she stumbled back a bit into Lena, the raven haired girl flinching at the contact. It was warm though, the brief contact, and Lena’s heart sped up. “Don’t touch her, she doesn’t like it.” Kara, however, despite stating that fact grabbed Lena’s hand and dragged her out of the bar.

“Kara,” Lena said as she followed along. The drunk girl didn’t seem to notice though and she repeated, “Kara.” The brunette pulled her hand back and a shiver ran down her spine. “Kara, is everything okay? You are being more touchy and clingy today.”

Kara turned and looked at Lena with those blue eyes that could steal Lena’s heart. The blonde opened her mouth as if to speak but turned in order to empty the content of her stomach. “Can we go home?” Kara croaked in a small voice as she straightened up, looking at Lena with water eyes.

Lena sighed and paused before holding out her hand for Kara to take. “Come on, let’s get you home.” Lena led the blonde to the car, thankful Nicolas was there already, and helped Kara into her apartment. She pulled out clothes for Kara after setting her on the couch and set them on the other woman’s lap. “Do you have a bucket I can get you to throw up in?” Lena got a slurred mumble in response and she sighed as she went to the bathroom to search for something. She sat next to Kara a few minutes later with the trash can from bathroom and a glass of water. “Here, drink this.”

Kara took the water and leaned against Lena, not noticing how the other woman stiffened before relaxing slightly. The blonde turned on Netflix, taking two minutes to get it to play _Glee_ , and the two sat there for an episode and a half before Lena asked to go borrow some clothes. The Luthor walked to Kara’s sleeping area and pulled out something to change into. Her back was to Kara so she didn’t see the blonde get up and walk over. Her whole body tensed at the feeling of Kara running her fingers down Lena’s bare sides and Lena jerked away from the touch, putting on the shirt before turning to look at Kara. She couldn’t keep her shocked and slightly frightened expression from appearing on her face and it seemed Kara was sober enough to notice.

“I- I’m sorry you just had those bandages and I couldn’t help myself,” Kara murmured as she stepped back, wrapping her arms around herself to keep from doing anything else. “I’m sorry. I’ll just let you finish changing and I’ll just be over here.” Kara ducked her head and walked to the kitchen.

Lena felt her torn between trying to hold on to the warm feeling from where Kara touched, hold onto the way her heart froze before pounding fast in her chest, and between locking herself in the bathroom to be alone, allowing herself to cry until the memories that were running through her mind went away. Lena hated being touched unless she instigated it herself or if she was expecting it or if she was accepting of it. A lump formed in Lena’s throat and she forced herself to compose herself.

“So, let’s finish watching the season if that’s okay,” Lena said forcing a smile. She sat down on the couch and looked at her phone when it vibrated in her hand. She didn’t say anything when Kara returned to the couch only to sit on the opposite end from Lena, she assumed it was just her way of respecting Lena’s boundaries. The kind gesture was overshadowed by the text she just received however and she began to feel nauseous, clenching her jaw as she replied to the message, another text coming in response immediately.

 

            _1:09am Lillian Luthor: Dear, could we have lunch tomorrow at your place? I can bring food from that restaurant you love so much._

_Read 1:11am_

_1:12am Lena Luthor: I am staying at a friend’s tonight but we can have lunch. How about 1pm?_

_Read 1:12am_

_1:12am Lillian Luthor: Wonderful, I’ll possibly be there a bit early. If you aren’t there I’ll use my key. Good night, Lena._

_Read 1:13am_

 

Lena put her phone on the coffee table and the memories of her childhood returned like a wave crashing onto the sand. “Kara,” she whispered, looking up at the beautiful woman on the other side of the couch. “Can I have a hug?” Kara nodded immediately, holding out her arms, and the youngest Luthor quickly moved across the couch and into Kara’s strong arms, tears running down her cheeks. The words of comfort hardly registered in her mind but she felt safe and warm in Kara’s arms. It was as if the cold and traumatic memories couldn’t touch her with Kara nearby and she only wished that that warmth and safety was hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All feedback, kudos, comments, and ideas are welcomed. Fair warning there is more angst on the horizon. Also beware some of Lena's more sensitive issues (her issues involving her mother) are coming up, I just felt like I should warn. But otherwise I hope you all are enjoying this.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is extremely heavy and it was extremely difficult for me to write. It has an implied sex scene but nothing is said or anything. Again, this chapter is extremely heavy with only light not heaviness at the beginning after the flashback. If you want to reach me, find me at queenghostling on tumblr or just reach me in the comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter. This wasn't looked over or anything so all mistakes are mine.

_Nine years ago…_

 

_Lillian sat on Lena’s bed as her daughter tried on dresses for a gala Lionel was holding. Lena had the issue of never being able to settle on a dress so Lillian often helped decide. A part of Lena shuddered as she felt Lillian’s eyes on her as she zipped up the dress._

_“How’s this one?” Lena asked, turning to face her mother. The dress was a mint green with a black stripe around the waist. There was a black rounded collar at the neckline with tiny gold dots at the edge. The young girl spun once and tilted her head waiting for the verdict._

_Lillian reached out for Lena’s arm and gently tugged her over. Seeing the crescent shapes in the pale flesh left from days ago caused a cruel smile to flash across her face before she shifted her gaze to look over Lena. “You look beautiful, Lena,” Lillian told the pale skinned girl, lifting her hand to Lena’s cheek. A smile tugged at Lillian’s lips as Lena’s cheeks reddened at the compliment. Lillian lowered her hand and stood up, turning Lena to face the mirror by the shoulders. “This is a beautiful dress, but I don’t think it’s right for this event.” The woman’s hands slid to Lena’s back to the zipper. “Why don’t we try another one?”_

_Lena’s eyes were wide as Lillian slowly unzipped her dress and slid her cold hands over Lena’s pale skin, gently wrapping her fingers around the girl’s waist. “Mother?” Lena question in a shaky voice._

_Lillian leaned down, pressing her lips against the area behind Lena’s ear. “Let’s find the right dress to show off what a beautiful girl you are, okay?” The woman ran her hands up and down Lena’s sides lightly, causing Lena to shiver. The young girl began to move away but Lillian removed her hands from the unzipped dress and grasped her arm. “What are you doing? We still have to find a dress for you to wear.”_

_Lena looked at Lillian with a mix of shock and confusion. Days ago, Lillian had just scolded her for having kissed a girl and now she was doing this to her. Before she had a chance to voice what she was thinking, Lillian pushed the dress off her shoulders causing the outfit to fall to the floor. “Why are you doing this?” Lena asked in a small voice as she felt Lillian’s eyes on her. “I thought you said I should be ashamed for doing stuff like this.”_

_Lillian smiled as she ran her fingers up and down Lena’s forearms. “Dear, acting on them in public is what you should be ashamed of. Image is everything and I would hate to see you attacked for something like this.” The woman walked away to the closet and began to look for another dress. Behind her Lena had sat down on the bed with her arms around her midsection and Lillian turned around holding three dresses. “Lena, you should be ashamed by what you did with that girl. I didn’t raise you to associate with people beneath you.”_

_Lena looked up at her mother and moved away a bit on the bed. “How will I know who is beneath me?” she asked as Lillian set the dresses on the bed. “How do I deal with the feelings I have?” This is what daughters did right? Talk to their mothers about relationships and feelings? To be honest, Lena had no idea Lillian had rarely spoken to her until the incident a few days ago and the occasional wardrobe advisement._

_Lillian smiled at Lena and sat next to Lena, placing a hand on the girl’s thigh. “Dear, you’re a Luthor,” Lillian began as she leaned down close, her lips right next to Lena’s ear causing the girl to shudder at the breath against her ear. “Everyone is beneath you.”_

 

*~*~*

 

Lena did not want to go home so she instead went to a cafe on the opposite side of town where she sat in silence across from Maggie Sawyer. She had a nightmare the night before causing Kara to wake up from Lena’s sobbing and the Luthor had not been able to go back to sleep after that. The CEO was on her third cup of coffee when Maggie arrived which was two cups of coffee ago. Since then they had just been sitting in silence drinking coffee but it seems Maggie was not content with the silence from Lena’s end.

“So what do you want, Luthor?” Maggie asked as she raised her cup to her lips. She focused her eyes on the other woman as Lena set her cup down and met Maggie's eyes.

“Well, _Sawyer_ ,” Lena began, mimicking Maggie with a smirk, “I know you are in the NCPD Science Division which means you deal with aliens often.” Maggie simply nodded as she took another sip of coffee. “Well, I need volunteers to help create the databases for the different languages and I don’t think any aliens will step forward if it’s a Luthor who asks. I was hoping you could help.”

Maggie sat back in her chair and eyed Lena. She flashed her dimples and said, “Okay, I’ll help. You are doing this to help people which I like.” The detective slid a napkin over to herself and took out a pen. “These people would talk to anyone if you give them a good bribe. Whip cream. These people really like whip cream.” Maggie slid the napkin with the names and contact info on it towards Lena and studied the woman. “Okay, I have a question of my own.” Lena took the napkin and placed it in her purse. She kept her eyes on Maggie, though, trying to deem what type of question this would be. She nodded her permission and took a sip of her coffee. “Are you into girls?”

Lena almost spit out her coffee, coughing after she swallowed. “Um, isn’t that a bit personal?” Lena was interested in girls but, especially after her mother told her repeatedly to keep that fact a secret and to not act on her feelings, she never advertised her sexuality. “I have no comment either way, but that is a tad too personal to ask someone you just met.”  
Maggie smirked, probably at how Lena reacted, and tilted her head slightly. “Well, it’s just how you seem to act around Kara. I could tell you don’t like physical contact but you let Kara touch you.” Lena didn’t betray a single emotion as she met Maggie’s gaze. “I’m a detective, I detect. I just want to make sure what I’m detecting is right. I’m not going to say anything, it’s not my place to say anything.” More silence. Maggie sighed and nodded. “Okay, I get it, you aren’t going to confirm or deny, I guess I was being too nosy. I do have to ask why are you in a cafe with me on the opposite side of the city from where you live at almost one in the afternoon?”

Lena sighed and looked down at her empty cup. “I don’t want to have to see my mother. She’s waiting for me to have lunch at my place. I rather be anywhere but there.” She said nothing more out of the fear that if she did, she would blurt out about everything from her childhood. But she couldn’t do that in public. Instead she sat up straight with a neutral expression on her face. “I should go though, I told her I would meet her at one.” Lena didn’t move, though, she simply sat there looking at Maggie. “How are you at pool?” Lena asked. She was met with a raised eyebrow and Lena blinked. “What about darts?”

“You really don’t want to meet your mother, do you?” Maggie asked standing up.

“Nope,” Lena replied giving Maggie a look that asked for help.

“Come on, let's play a game of pool and then you go have lunch.” The detective waited for Lena to get up before heading to her car. “Get in, we are going to the alien dive bar.”

The two went to the bar and ended up talking way more than Lena expected them to. The shorter woman made great company and provided a challenge at pool. The bar was dead at that time which made it easier for Lena to let loose a bit. Lena forgot about her mother waiting for her in her apartment. Forgot about the things the woman did to her as a child. Lena forgot her one sided feelings for her best friend. She forgot that she let a Super see that she was broken and weak. Lena forgot and she didn’t even have a drop of alcohol. But the game ended all too soon and all the things Lena forgot crashed over her like a wave. All too soon she was getting into Maggie’s car once again and all too soon she was in the elevator of her apartment desperate to have someone with her as a buffer. She knew all too well what happened when her mother visited her.

“Lena,” Lillian said when her adopted daughter walked into the apartment. “You’re late.” The older woman had already set the table and put out lunch she had probably gotten from her personal chef to bring. She strolled over to her daughter and wrapped her arms around Lena, causing the younger woman to tense up. “I was worried you were going to cancel on me.”

Lena hesitantly returned the hug and her body relaxed when Lillian released her to sit at Lena’s table. “I had to take care of something,” she lied as she took off her heels. She set her purse on the couch and walked over to the table to see what it was they would be eating. It was a chicken scaloppini with a lemon sauce drizzle and sugar snap peas. It was something the chef made. Lena looked at her mother and slowly sat down. “Why are you here?” Lena asked in a soft voice full of uncertainty. Only Lillian could bring that out of her and, judging by the twisted smile the woman gave her, she liked that fact.

“Can’t a mother check on her daughter?” Lillian asked innocently. She began to eat, but her eyes never left Lena. The younger woman shuddered as she followed suit only with lowered eyes avoiding the green ones watching her.

“Do you actually want to check on me or do you want to do something else?” Lena asked but her voice was meek actually inquiring what the nature of this visit was. Her nightmare the night before had taken all the steel she could summon faced with her mother, leaving her defenseless and vulnerable. Lena hated it, hated how weak she sounded. How weak she felt. She knew she wouldn’t win this encounter with her mother. She would be left broken and damaged even if Lillian didn’t lay a hand on her. Truthfully, Lena had given up having her walls up around Lillian long ago whenever they were in private. Her voice or body would tremble even if she fought to remain steady. The Supers had Kryptonite and Lena had Lillian, that's how she saw it. No one could manipulate and take advantage of her more than the woman eating across from her could and that terrified her.

Lillian gave Lena a smile that caused her already pale skin to grow even paler. “I’m here to see you,” Lillian answered and left it at that. The rest of the meal was spent engaged in small talk and inquiries about LCorp. “Now,” Lillian said after she finished eating, “I heard you went to visit Lord Technologies yesterday. Why was that?”  
Lena, who had been mostly moving her food around on her plate to prolong lunch, flicked her eyes towards her mother before looking at the chicken she had yet to finish. “I’m going to be working with Maxwell Lord on a new product I have planned. Just a translation device to be sold mostly to those who most likely deal with various languages.” Lena glanced up to see her mother watching her still and she knew she had to finish her meal. “Thank you for lunch,” Lena said. She was just trying to buy time. To put off the inevitable. She wanted desperately to murmur Supergirl’s name and have the Girl of Steel come to save her. She wanted to text Kara to help her form an excuse to leave. She wanted to do something but her body was limited by fear. She had been conditioned since she was young to do what was expected of her and this was what was expected.

Lena was only able to stall for five more minutes until she was done with her meal. She slowly looked up at Lillian as the woman stood up to walk over to her. The younger woman flinched when Lillian’s hand lifted only to furrow her brows in confusion when her mother simply took her plate. “Why don’t you go to your room while I clean up?”

There it was. The reason for the visit. Well, a reason. It was clear Lillian wanted to know how LCorp was doing but this was probably the core of the visit. Lena felt her body shake and memories filled her mind as she nodded and stood up. She had learned to best let things happen and to just let her mind go elsewhere. Picture it was someone else or that it was just a dream. Just to pretend it was anything but what it was. Lena walked to her room and listened as the water flowed from the faucet as her mother cleaned the dishes. _One, two, three, four…_ she counted in her head. Her eyes were closed and she didn’t pay attention for when the water turned off. She counted in time to the heels headed toward her. The _tap tap tap_ of those fucking heels. A hand rested on her thigh before sliding up her torso to her shoulder. She tensed when lips found her neck and she continued to count, _fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…_ It would be over soon, it would be over soon. Tears filled her eyes and she kept them closed as she ignored what was happening, letting it happen. She hardly responded, just laid there counting in her head. She just had to count, to visualize the numbers, to focus on anything but reality. A tear rolled down her face and into her ear, breaking her focus on her counting and she let out a strangled gasp as a lump formed in her throat. _One, two, three, four, five, six…_ She started over. Lena counted, and counted, and counted until Lillian wasn’t even in the apartment anymore. Until she was sure she wasn’t in the building. She counted and counted until she started to count out loud in strangled sobs. Her body felt dirty but she couldn’t move. She gripped the sheets and sobbed, giving up on the counting.

“Supergirl,” Lena sobbed as she curled up in on herself. She needed someone, something, anything. It was the first thing she thought of to call for the heroine. There was no guarantee she would even show up, but Lena heard the soft thud of those red boots landing on her floor in her dead silent apartment. The sound of the hero walking towards her room caused her to flinch and she almost began to count again but she held back. She was thankful Lillian had at least covered her with a blanket before leaving or else she would have died of embarrassment when the Girl of Steel walked into her room.

“Oh Rao, Lena,” Supergirl gasped as she rushed over to the sobbing girl and hesitantly sat on the bed. Lena’s hair half covered her face as she laid on her side curled up and the blonde hero hesitated with her hand above Lena’s face to brush it back. When Lena gave a small, shaky nod, Supergirl brushed back the raven locks and stroked her hair soothingly. “Lena, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe. Do you want me to get you some clothes?”

Lena nodded once more, still sobbing, but she felt safe with Supergirl near. The hero moved to get up but Lena shot out her hand to grab her arm, stopping her from leaving. Her eyes showed how broken she was and it was the first time someone had seen that besides her mother. “D-Don’t le-leave me,” she managed to say through her tears.

Supergirl looked at Lena and put a hand on the one on her arm. “I’ll be right back, I’m not going to leave you. I’ll even use my super speed so you don’t notice I’m gone,” she told Lena in a soft and soothing voice.

Lena didn’t know that the woman’s heart was aching for the crying, broken woman on the bed. All Lena knew was that she didn’t want to be alone. She had been alone after this had happened far too many times to be okay. She was at her breaking point. All Lena wanted to do what end the dirty feeling, end the feeling that nothing about her was clean. She felt damaged and used and broken. It was too much. Lena shakily released Supergirl’s arm and the heroine vanished for a second before reappearing with sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and underwear.

“Do you want me to help you?” Supergirl asked, reached to rub Lena’s arm comfortingly before Lena flinched. She went back to stroking her hair back instead and she heard the word ‘shower’ pass the woman’s lips. “Do you want a shower first?” Lena nodded and Supergirl paused before picked the other woman up. “Is this okay?” Supergirl asked. Lena remained silent save for the soft sobs that continued to shake her body and Supergirl frowned. “I have you, Lena, you’re safe now,” she murmured soothingly as she took Lena to the bathroom to let her shower. Her words seemed to take an effect because Lena simply hiccupped and trembled as Supergirl set her down on the closed lid of the toilet. She got the water going and waited until it was warm before helping Lena inside. “I’ll be right back I’m going to get your clothes.”

Lena was left alone while she slid down the tiled wall of her shower to sit under the spray of hot water. Her mind was silent and she was tempted to count just to have something going through her mind other than this reality that exists after Lillian just did what she did. She hesitantly touched the places on her skin that had been kissed, the places that had been touched, the places she wanted to burn and cut off. She felt a laugh rise in her voice when she realized that no matter how much she cut herself or sat under the scalding spray of the water she would never be rid of those touches, those kisses, those gazes. Scars already lined those areas of her body. The areas that had been the focus since she was that girl standing in front of that mirror. Her eyes stung with fresh tears and she closed her eyes as she pulled her knees to her chest. It was too much, it was too painful, it was too hard.

“Lena.” Supergirl was kneeling before her under the spray of the water, those kind blue eyes looking warmly at her. “Lena, I’m here. Don’t worry, I’m right here and I’m not going to leave until you want me to.”

Those words drove Lena to tears and the hero wrapped her strong arms around the broken woman as if she was trying to hold the shattered pieces of Lena Luthor together. “Thank you,” Lena sobbed. “Thank you.”

They stayed like that until the Lena was ready to get out and after a few minutes Lena was dressed and sitting on her couch with the TV on some program so that there would be no silence. Supergirl was making Lena’s favorite tea while the brunette tried to compose herself, her wet hair dripping all over the couch.

“It was Lillian,” she confessed in something that was hardly even a whisper. Supergirl heard it though and something shattered under her grip. Lena’s lips twitched in a brief smile at a stammered ‘Sorry’ that Supergirl gave her. “She’s been doing that to me since I was fifteen. It’s part of the reason I cut, well what started it. I wanted to get rid of her touch, of those kisses. I felt so dirty, so used. I guess I wanted to make it so it could be like I damaged myself but I still knew the truth.” Lena looked up as Supergirl walked over and took the cup of tea from her. “Thank you.”

Supergirl stared at the TV for a moment, the sound of sirens in the distance, and Lena thought the hero might leave her to take care of whatever those sirens were heading towards. But Supergirl stayed. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you stop it?”

Lena tucked her knees under her chin as she took a sip of her tea, letting the warm liquid calm her. “I couldn’t. I felt like if I did I would be betraying my parent, the person who raised me. It might have torn my already fragile family apart. I couldn’t do that. And I couldn’t stop it. I was fifteen and Lillian is my mom. She had told me something days before and it stuck with me. And then she said something when it all started that added to that first thing.” Lena paused and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “She found out that I liked girls and told me to be ashamed of myself for it. It turned out she was telling me to be ashamed of acting on those feelings in public and with someone beneath me. The words just stuck with me and I just didn’t know how to stop her or do anything against her. I never told anyone, not even Lex.”

Next to Lena, Supergirl was tense, clenching her fist as Lena drank her tea. “I hate how she could just get away with that for nine years. That’s awful. I just-” Supergirl covered her eyes with her hands as a red glow came from those blue eyes. Moments passed, the apartment filled with the sounds of the sitcom on the TV. “Sorry,” the Kryptonian apologized as she lowered her hands. “I just got angry and heat vision.” Lena nodded as she drank and Supergirl hesitated before placing a hand on her shoulder, taking relief in the fact Lena relaxed more under the touch. “If she ever comes by again, just call for me and I promise I’ll be here in seconds.”

“Thank you,” Lena murmured and she leaned against the hero as she polished off her drink. “Thank you for listening. Please, don’t tell anyone. Please.” Lena didn’t know if Supergirl nodded or not but she was certain the blonde would keep the secret.

Lena closed her eyes and after ten minutes she was fast asleep. Supergirl slowly stood up, lowering Lena slowly onto the couch, and went to Lena’s room to change the sheets. She picked new sheets of a completely different color and returned to the sleeping woman to carry her to the bed. The hero placed Lena on one side of the bed, pulling the covers over her, before walking over to the other side, slipping off her boots and taking off the cape of her outfit, and getting under the covers to stay with Lena. Kara texted Alex telling her to cover for her, not telling her why or what was going on, just that it was a no questions asked and she would owe her a favor later. After all, Lena hadn’t told her she was okay to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was hard for me because I pulled from my own past for this. I experienced something extremely similar to this when I was young (younger than ten) until I was in high school so most of what Lena is thinking and feeling I based off my own experiences. I had to take a few days off this chapter because of that tbh. But I hope you enjoyed reading it and I'll make the next chapter a bit happier to counter all this heaviness. Please leave comments, feedback, and kudos.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I promised this would be a happy chapter, but there's some angst at the end. For the most part I tried to keep it happy. I also have to send out all good vibes and feelings to those who could relate to Lena in the last chapter, no one should ever go through something like that. I appreciated the comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't get too made at me for something that occurs. I appreciate all comments, feedback, kudos, and reactions. You can find me at queenghostling on tumblr. I have no beta so all mistakes are mine. Also sorry if some of this feels a bit off I was switching between this and my other fic, Shadows of the Past, as I was writing and so it might not be the best chapter. Anyway, please enjoy.

Over the past week and a half, Lena had taken off work. She couldn’t go more than thirty minutes without feeling like breaking down in tears and so she resigned herself to working from home doing what she could. Being the CEO had its benefits and Lena decided to take advantage of that fact. At first she believed she would be alone for the time she was taking off but it seemed as though both Supergirl and Kara had planned otherwise. Either Supergirl was checking up on her or Kara was inviting her over or out with her friends. Almost every night, Lena hung out with Kara and her friends and Lena found her friendship with Maggie growing as they continued to talk and text. During the times Lena was with Kara it felt like the blonde was treating her more gently than normal, never touching her even when it looked like she was about to. Lena wondered if Supergirl had mentioned that there was something going on with the Luthor but she trusted that the hero had kept her promise. The one thing she did enjoy about the sudden attention from Kara was that the blonde had decided to either spend the night at Lena’s or to have Lena stay over at her place. When asked why, Kara simply said she didn't think Lena should be alone and left it at that.

Lena looked at Kara as they heated up two bags of chicken tenders, two bags of fries, and two bags of tater tots for their lunch and wondered why the blonde was really doing this. Why did she think Lena shouldn't be alone? Not that Lena wasn't a fan of the attention but Lena couldn't help to wonder why. Lena had also noticed that Kara had been avoiding her boyfriend and when her sister came over Lena would end up on the receiving end of some cold glares.

“Do you want water or soda?” Kara asked, pulling Lena out of her thoughts. The blonde had her hair up on the top of her head in a messy bun and her grey-blue tank top was showing off her arms as she pulled out the fries from the oven. It had taken an hour to cook everything but Lena thought it was worth it considering she got to see those arms, wait, no, it was because she got to be with Kara. Not the arms. The arms were a really nice bonus but not the arms. “Lena?”

Lena blinked and looked at Kara’s eyes rather than her arms. “I'll take a Pepsi,” she answered going back to dividing up the chicken and tots that had been already cooked. A smile pulled at her lips as Kara began to hum and Lena couldn't help but start to sing the lyrics of the song. Of course it was Disney and of course it was from the movie Kara’s made her watch all week.

“Let’s get down to business,” Lena sang softly trying to get away with singing to the humming.

“To defeat,” Kara joined, louder than Lena, “the Huns.” Her voice was beautiful and Lena stopped singing just to listen. Kara continued thankfully and walked over to Lena to add the fries to the plates.

When Kara finished singing, Lena clapped and the pair laughed as they carried the plates and soda bottles over to the couch. Kara sat down first and left room for Lena if she wanted to sit closer or away from her. Lena sat down right next to the blonde and leaned against her. Kara set the bottles on the coffee table as well as her plate and went to start up a movie.

“Oh no, not _Mulan_ again,” Lena said, popping a tater tot into her mouth. Kara pouted and Lena have her a look until the blonde sighed and put back the movie in her hand. “What other movies are there? We can watch another Disney movie but not _Mulan_.”

Kara pulled out a few options and padded back to sit next to Lena, placing the boxes on their laps. “So we got _Brave_ , _The Little Mermaid_ , _Lilo and Stitch_ , and _Tangled_. We can watch another one tomorrow or after this one.”

Lena couldn't help but raise her eyebrow at the assumption Lena would be spending the night with Kara again tomorrow. She looked at the movies and found herself choosing between _Brave_ and _Tangled_. “How about _Tangled_ today and _Brave_ after?” Lena suggested. There was a spark that ran through her veins as Kara’s fingers brushed her bare legs and her body grew warm. She tensed slightly despite the fact she wanted more contact from Kara and the blonde quickly got up. Lena looked down at her food and instantly felt less hungry, pushing some of her food onto Kara’s plate.

“No,” Kara protested, jumping back onto the couch with room between the two of them. “No, no, no, no. You put that food back on your plate, Lena Luthor.” Kara took her plate and began putting food back on Lena’s plate, laughing when Lena gasped dramatically. “You need to eat. You barely eat when you work so I'm going to feed you while I can.”

Lena whacked Kara on the arm as she let the blonde put the food back on her plate and joined in the laughter. “You bring me lunch almost daily so don't you dare say I hardly eat. Now that's enough. Kara, stop there's more here than what was there in the beginning!”

The two laughed and put food on each other's plates until Lena gave in and let Kara do what she wanted. Lena settled against Kara’s side as the movie started and began to eat, stealthily putting fries and chicken onto Kara’s plate while the blonde was distracted. Lena began to watch, never having seen this movie before, and as it progresses Lena instantly felt nausea settle in her stomach as her body tensed. She looked down at her food and tried to dispel the feeling in her stomach. She wouldn't be weak in front of Kara. She refused to show that side of herself to her only friend just yet. She let Supergirl see her broken and damaged because she needed someone and she didn’t know anyone else to come help her hold herself together.

“Lena, you know you can tell me anything, right?” Kara asked, looking at Lena. There was a slight pleading look in her concerned blue eyes, as if she wanted Lena to confide in her. “If you want to watch a different movie we can.”  
Lena set her plate on the coffee table and pulled her legs into her chest. “I know, I just don’t want to scare you off. I’ll be fine let’s just watch the movie.” Her words didn’t sound convincing but Lena didn’t care. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of Kara, she wouldn’t. The sound of her phone vibrating caused her to stand up and walk over to the kitchen where she left the device. “Maggie just texted me about going to that club tonight,” Lena told Kara. The sound of the blonde giggling caused her to look at her friend confused as she walked over, pulling a blanket over their laps now that there were no plates being held. “What’s so funny?”

Kara held her phone so Lena could see and said, “It’s a group chat. Maggie added you.”

“Oh,” Lena responded as she felt her cheeks grow hot. She had rarely used her texting and was not used to being in a group chat, let alone knowing that those were a thing. Sure, she heard of them but she thought that there was an app for that. “Are you going?” she asked, diverting the attention away from her ignorance.

Kara pulled her hand back and nodded as she typed a message into the chat.

 

            _1:03pm Kara Danvers: ill be there and lena will be too. club genesis right?_

_1:04pm Lucy Lane: OMG?!?!?!_

_1:04pm Lucy Lane: thats the club you got on the list for?_

_1:04pm Lucy Lane: mags no way did you get on the list for that place its so hard to get into_

_1:05pm Maggie Sawyer: better believe it little lane. so what time? i was thinking 11_

_1:06pm Winn Schott Jr: Why is this chat called girl talk but I’m part of it?_

_1:06pm Maggie Sawyer: i havent added james yet so i havent bothered to change it yet_

_1:06pm Winn Schott Jr: ;~;_

_1:06pm Lucy Lane: da fuq is that winn?_

 

The chat continued like this and Lena just sat back to watch, laughing as the girls teased Winn until Alex text-yelled at them to stop because Winn was talking out loud as he replied. Kara laughed and sent a bunch of emojis before putting her phone down to return to watching the movie. “Do you want to go back to your place before going to the club?”  
Lena looked at Kara and, instead of saying what she was going to, she asked, “Kara, why are you doing this?” Kara blinked and confusion was clear on her face. “You just suddenly got really clingy and I feel like I haven’t been alone for a week and a half with you and Supergirl always around. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy it but I just don’t understand why. You’ve been avoiding your boyfriend too.”

Kara adjusted her glasses and looked down. “I know something happened to you,” Kara confessed. Lena tensed and there was a feeling that she had been betrayed by the hero she had sought help in. Kara must have noticed because she quickly added, “I don’t know what happened, just that something did. Uh, Supergirl, um, told me to make sure you are okay since she knew you are one of my best friends and felt that you needed someone. She wouldn’t tell me what it was that happened, though, she wouldn’t tell me. I asked because I was worried but she told me she promised she wouldn’t tell anyone. So, that’s why I’ve been clingy. I don’t know what’s wrong so I’m just trying to be there for you. I’m sorry if I am being too much. Oh, Ra- um, gosh, I never thought of how you felt by me-”

Kara stopped talking when Lena took Kara’s hand in hers. “Kara, it’s okay. I was just wondering if there was a reason. I must admit, I’m glad Supergirl didn’t break her promise. But why have you been ignoring Mon-El’s calls. Yes, I know his real name you let it slip when you were drunk. Is there a reason?”

Kara wrung her hands and sighed. “We got into a fight. Actually, my sister, him, and I got into a fight.” She paused as she looked up, blue meeting green, and Lena could almost see the gears in her mind working to form the next words. “We were fighting over you.” It was said hesitantly and slowly, almost as if Kara was trying to lessen the impact that Lena was causing tension between the blonde and her sister and boyfriend. “They don’t think I should be being so clingy and concerned.” Kara looked away and sighed. “They think that you might be like your family.” Kara felt Lena pull her hands away and looked at Lena, taking in the blank expression on her face, the only show of emotion her clenched jaw. “My sister is suspicious of everyone, to be honest. And Mon-El, well, Mon-El is just Mon-El.” Kara reached up as if to put a hand on Lena’s cheek or shoulder, Lena hoped it was her cheek, but lowered her arm. “I believe in you, Lena. I always have and always will.” Kara gave Lena a smile and held out her arms to offer a hug.

Lena couldn’t help but smile back and she accepted the hug. “So, I have to ask, is this Mon-El an alien?” Lena raised an eyebrow and grinned when Kara looked away, adjusting her glasses, and nodded. “Oh, that must be interesting. Do tell.” Lena kept up her grin and interested expression despite the fact that Lena hated talking about the man who got to have Kara. She hated how much she loved the dorky woman despite the fact Kara was most likely, one hundred percent straight. It was an issue Lena always had, falling for the straight girl. Why would Kara be any different from all those other girls. She hardly listened as Kara spoke about Mon-El, adoration clear in her voice as she talked about how he was trying to be a better person for her and how he did all these cute things for her.

“Enough about my love life, what about yours?” Kara asked diverting the conversation to be about Lena. “I hardly know anything about the romance in your life.” Kara looked at her with a bright smile, the sunshine qualities of the blonde filling the room with a brightness that made all of Lena’s troubles melt away.

Lena laughed and shook her head. “Nothing on my end. I mean, there is little time to pursue romantic interests when running a company.” Lena looked at the TV and realized the movie had been going the entire time. “Do you want to put in another movie and actually watch this time?” Hopefully Kara would take the bait and they would move on from all of this. She didn’t want to let slip how she was a lesbian or that she was in love with the sunny blonde. Kara thankfully did take the bait and they put in the other movie, watching it together as Lena leaned against Kara.

 

*~*~*

 

The club was loud and crowded, yet Lena felt alive and excited rather than the anxiety that had been filling her earlier. The thrum of the music and the pounding of the bass inside her chest caused a smile to form on her lips as she stood just inside the exit in a tight, black dress with silver heels and her hair in a high ponytail. Lucy was holding her hand and looking for Alex and Maggie who had already gone inside earlier while Kara ran back to the car for her phone which she forgot.

“I see them,” Lucy shouted to her over the music, leading her further inside. “And Winn? Is that a fruity cocktail? Oh, my God, that’s a fucking cocktail in his hands. I’m so not going to let him get away with this.” Lucy’s hands intertwined with Lena’s and for some reason a warm sensation filled Lena as a result of the action instead of the usual panic. The shorter woman was wearing a dark green dress with gold heels and her hair was pinned on one side to push it towards the right. She looked amazing and Lena realized she had been staring when Lucy turned and winked, grinning. “For such an exclusive place, there are a lot of people,” Lucy observed as she slowed down to talk to Lena.

“Where’s Kara?” Alex asked when the pair reached the three waiting for them. The tall brunette leaned against Maggie and their hands were interlocked, resting near the detective’s shoulder.

“Here I am,” Kara announced as she came up behind Lena and Lucy. “Sorry, I forgot my phone in Lucy’s car. So, can we like sit at a table or is it just to the dance floor?” Kara seemed to have noticed Winn for the first time because she looked at him and blinked confused for a moment before asking, “Is that a fruity drink? Winn, are you drinking a fruity drink? Also, I didn’t know you were coming, when did you say you were coming?”

Winn lowered the drink and sighed. “If you didn’t want me here then why add me in the group. And what I drink is my business.” The last part sounded like a whine and he put the straw of his drink back up to his lips as he took a sip.

Maggie rolled her eyes and stood up from the stool she was sitting on. “Let’s dance for a bit, babe,” she said to Alex who let the small woman lead her to the dance floor.

Lucy, who still had her fingers interlocked with Lena’s, started to head to the dance floor taking Lena with her. “Wanna dance?” The shorter woman’s lips formed a smile and she was already swaying to the music. “Or do you wanna drink?”

Lena thought about Kara, how she had wanted to dance with the bright woman, but then she looked around and saw Mon-El walking through the entrance and looking around for Kara. Her heart immediately dropped and ached in her chest. “Let’s dance,” she told Lucy matching Lucy’s smile. “Did you invite James like Kara invited Mon-El?” She couldn’t help but ask. It seemed as though the boys were coming and Lena assumed Lucy and James were together based on the interactions she had seen between the two.

To Lena’s surprise, Lucy laughed as she brought Lena to a place in the middle of the dance floor. “Kara invited the boys, I honestly didn’t care if they came or not. Why, you think me and James are a thing?” Lena nodded a bit, half to the music and half to the question. Lucy took Lena’s other hand and pulled her a bit closer before letting both hands go to dance better. “That ship sailed a while ago. Kara is more interested in the boys than I am.”

Lena could tell there was a double meaning to those words and began to wonder. Could Lucy have figured out about Lena and was attempting to flirt or was there no double meaning and Lena was just reading too into it? Lucy was one of the ones other than Maggie that Lena had been hanging out with when with Kara and she did like the woman, but they hadn’t talked one on one before like Lena had with Maggie and Kara. Lena pushed her thoughts aside and let herself relax for once, not thinking or worrying. She laughed as she danced with Lucy, the other woman joining in. Her eyes would flicker to Kara every so often, watching the blonde laugh at something the man next to her said.

Lucy must have noticed because she draped her arms over Lena’s shoulders and tilted her head as her ruby lips smiled. “They made up. There's this other group chat and Mike apologized to Kara in that. They are pretty cute together.” Lucy studied Lena’s expression and slid her hands down the woman’s arms to take her hands. “Let's get some drinks and go somewhere quieter,” Lucy said as she pulled Lena along. They passed Kara who looked at Lena confused considering she had never let anyone touch her other than Kara or Supergirl unless she initiated it, but the blonde just smiled quickly and gave a wave as they walked past. “Any idea what you want?” Lucy said, managing to do so in a regular volume as they reached a bar away from the dancing and music. Lena shook her head and Lucy simply ordered for them both.

The woman behind the bar looked at them and smiled. “You two are cute together,” she commented as she prepared the drinks.

“Oh, we aren't together,” Lena corrected as she sat down on a stool at the bar. Lucy was silent as she followed Lena’s lead and took her drink from the woman. Lena raised an eyebrow as the bartender shook her head and went to serve other patrons. Lena slid her drink to her and took a drink, humming at the amazing taste of the beverage.

“Is it good?” Lucy asked as she pulled out her phone. “Oh, and don't worry I got a non-alcoholic drink cause I'm driving.” Lucy slid her phone over to Lena and tapped on the counter next to the device. “What's your number?”

Lena turned in the spinning barstool and looked at Lucy, her drink already almost gone. “Can’t you just get that from the group chat?”

“I rather get it from you,” Lucy replied. It was flirting. Obvious flirting. And it made Lena feel giddy. “Want more? I'll pay.”

Lena put her number in Lucy’s phone and finished off her drink. “Is this your way of asking to buy me a drink? I don't think it would work on anyone other than me if you word it like that right off the bat.” Lena gave Lucy a grin and slid the phone back to her. It felt off flirting back. Was it her mother’s words still circling her head or was it that it wasn't Kara. Perhaps if she pretended Lucy was Kara. The thought of flirting with Kara caused her heart to speed up and she noticed Lucy look past her at the others walking over.

“I'm taking this one home before she passes out,” Maggie announced as she supported a clearly drunk Alex. “I’ll be back though, Winn offered to stay with her to make sure she's fine.” Maggie looked at Alex and her dimples flashed as Alex slurred something softly to her. “Okay, Danvers, let’s get you home. Winn, come on.” The three left leaving Lena, Lucy, Kara, and Mon-El standing, or sitting, at the bar.

Kara looked at Lena and Lucy, noticing the fact Lucy had a hand on Lena’s knee, and Lena could have sworn she saw a flicker of hurt in her eyes though perhaps Lena was just seeing things from the alcohol. “We, um, we are going to go, uh, dance.” Kara adjusted her glasses and grabbed Mon-El to lead him away.

Lucy flagged down the bartender and ordered Lena another drink as the pair talked. Lena laughed, she laughed a lot and she was ninety percent sure it was because of Lucy rather than the alcohol. It was strange laughing so genuinely with someone not Kara. The blonde was still on her mind but her focus was on the intriguing woman in front of her. After a while she was drunk, almost as drunk as she got in her apartment, and Lucy and her were the only people in this area of the club besides the bartender. They were shifting between full on flirting and just talking, and Lucy had led them to a couch that was against a wall.

“Okay,” Lena began, her words slurring together, “I have to ask, are you being flirshy with me on purpose or are you just flirshy with everyone?” Lena was leaning towards Lucy, green locked onto green, and the sober woman gave a soft laugh as she ran her thumb over the back of the hand she was holding to keep the drunk woman from wandering off.

“Flirshy? Okay, I think you are officially cut off,” Lucy told Lena with a laugh. “And to answer your question, I am being flirty on purpose. I hope that-” Lucy was cut off by Lena’s lips on hers and they both melted into the kiss until the sound of a throat clearing tore them apart, though they were still close together. “Maggie,” Lucy breathed looking at the detective as a drunk Lena rested her head on her shoulder. There was a stern expression on the detective’s face and Lucy pulled her hand away from Lena’s, pushing the drunk woman’s head off her shoulder. “I should go. If you can remember, text me.” Lucy hesitated before kissing Lena one last time before getting up and walking away.

It took Lena a moment before she realized Lucy was gone and she glared at Maggie. “Why did you interrupt?” Lena asked with an angry expression on her face. “I finally got to do that after years of denying who I was.” Lena didn’t understand why Maggie’s expression softened or why she came over to Lena to wrap her arms around her. Then she felt a wetness land on her hand making her noticed the tears rolling down her face. “I wanted her to be Kara,” she mumbled as she leaned into Maggie. “I like Lucy but I wanted to be with Kara. Why couldn’t it be Kara?”

Maggie was smoothing back Lena’s hair as the drunken woman spoke, her words slurred and slightly unintelligible, but Maggie managed to get the gist. A sigh left her lips and she wondered how to handle the situation. “I get the feeling that you have liked girls for a long, long time but had to hide it and I feel for you having to spend your whole life hiding that. It must suck a hell of a lot more knowing that one slip up could get you on the front page in some tabloid. I don’t really know what to say, Lena, and I’m really sorry about that. I can tell you, though, that I’ll watch your back. If you want to try things with anyone, with Lucy, then you should. I know you would be careful and you deserve to be yourself.” Maggie paused when Lena’s silent tears turned into hiccups and there was a hesitance over touching on the fact Lena had a crush on Kara. “Lena, you deserve to be happy. I know things have been hard for you in the past, but you will find happiness.”

“Promise?” Lena asked. She stood up when Maggie pulled her to her feet. She felt tired and she swayed on her feet as Kara came over.

“Promise,” Maggie told her as she let Kara take Lena. “She’s had a bit too much to drink so you should take her home. I need to get back to Alex.”  
Kara nodded and wrapped her arm around Lena’s waist to hold her up, sending a wave of warmth through Lena’s body. After that, Lena had no idea what was being said to her and barely registered when they got to Kara’s. All she knew was that the feeling of Lucy’s lips lingered on her own and that Kara’s arms were around her as they settling under Kara’s sheets. With what sobriety she had, she knew she began to cry. She cried because she wanted to have danced with Kara, to have kissed Kara, to be with Kara. So, Lena let her mind play out those scenes that had occurred with Lucy only with Kara instead of the short woman. Guilt ate at her insides because she did like Lucy, how could she not, but her heart belonged to Kara. She turned and looked at Kara who smiled at her, pulling her closer at the sight of the tears rolling down her face. Lena clutched Kara’s shirt and took in the scent of vanilla and honey as she curled into the blonde. At least she could have Kara in her head. Could have Kara all to herself in the bed they were sharing. Kara had Lena’s heart and she didn’t even realize, but Lena didn’t have Kara’s heart and she knew. That knowledge hurt more than anything. It hurt more than she could bear.

 

 

Sneak Peek:

_Lena pressed her back to the wall and reached out to pull Lucy to her, panting hard and wishing she was better prepared for this. "Where's Mags?" Lena asked the short haired woman who just shrugged. The pair looked at each other and nodded before walking back out into the action, Lena raising the two pistols in her hand as Lucy pulled the trigger of her own gun. There was a loud blast and both pair of green eyes found the tiny detective holding a large gun half her size with a fiery explosion behind her as Maggie sauntered over to them._

_"Can I keep this?" Maggie asked the Luthor as the trio walked towards the exit. She flashed her dimples and the Luthor found herself nodding. "I can't wait to show Alex."_

_"Do you think the DEO would get upset we went a bit rogue? Or that I told Lena?" Lucy asked as she looked between the two woman. There was another explosion after the trio reached the car and the entire warehouse went up in flames. "Or that we destroyed a building?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope this was a good break after what happened last chapter. I do have to admit, Maggie and Lena are my brotp so there will definitely be some more of that coming up. I hope Lena and Lucy isn't an issue but I do promise Supercorp is endgame. I hoped you liked the sneak peek and the chapter. I live for comments, feedback, and kudos.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys, sorry for the delay. I really wanted to look at the outline before starting this chapter and I also had real life stuff. Like I auditioned for this short film(I'm going to be in said short film) and I have exams this week. I was having trouble deciding if I should have this chapter now or write for the stuff before it but I decided this chapter cause I wanted something cute and something that depicts exactly what I'm including Lucy/Lena to accomplish. I wanted to give Lena a good, healthy first relationship with someone she hasn't been idealizing like she has with Kara. I really wanted to show what Lucy will be like for Lena and I also have an interesting little insight at the end. Again, so sorry for the delay I started this other fic that I didn't post on this account and then all the previously mentioned things as well. I really hope you all enjoy this. Please leave comments, feedback, and kudos, seeing all the comments and kudos help motivate me a lot and reassure me I am actually writing something people like so it is very nice to see feedback. Also tell me things you would like to see. Like interactions, little cute things for Lucy and Lena, or even jealous Kara things. Just drop a message on my tumblr (queenghostling) or in the comments and I'll see what I can do. I do have up to chapter nine plotted out though I do know things I want to do after that as well (like what was seen in the sneak peek). Anyway, comment, kudos, and feedback are loved and please enjoy this new chapter.

Lena returned to work and over the next week it was meeting after meeting. She managed to fit in Kara for their usual lunches and she found herself texting Lucy constantly for a week unless they were having coffee or dinner the one or two times that occurred during that week. Lena remembered everything from that night, Lucy’s lips, her laugh, how soft she felt. Lena grew closer to the shorter woman as well as with Maggie. The detective’s words stuck inside her head ever since the club, distracting her from work at times, and she found herself looking out the window of her office at six in the evening, all hope of going back to work gone.

The sound of someone opening her door caused her to close her eyes and let out a sigh. She did not want to deal with people right now. With all that was on her mind with Kara, Lucy, the things Maggie told her, and knowing she had to deal with Lord in two days, it was not the time to be approaching the Luthor. “Jess, I thought I said not to bother me unless one of the researchers caused another explosion.”

A chuckle caused Lena to spin her chair around to find Lucy Lane standing in the doorway. “Do explosions happen often?” The shorter woman walked in and looked around the office. “Oh, this place looks really nice. A bit monochromatic, but still really nice.” Her eyes landed on the trash can which had the lunch Kara had brought on top and Lucy tilted her head, eyes shifting over to Lena. “I see that Kara managed to get you to eat. I remember you telling me you didn’t have enough time.”

Lena smiled at the woman and stood up. “Hmmm, yes, quite a few do happen but they are always in the areas that are meant to contain explosions. Always small too. And thank you, I like my office and I’m glad you do too.” Lena sat on the couch she usually only used when Kara was around and Lucy followed suit, sitting close enough that their knees were almost touching. “I still haven’t gotten any work done that I needed to do. Perhaps I’ll just work all night.” She looked at the woman next to her and tilted her head. “Why did you come over? I mean, it’s not like I don’t enjoy the company I’m just curious.”

Lucy smiled and shook her head. “No working all night. That’s why I came, to liberate you from work. You work too much, take a break.”

“Liberate me?” Lena repeated with a chuckle. “I run a huge company and I’m only twenty-four, I have to work my hardest to be respected.” Lucy frowned a bit and Lena hated herself for making the woman look so down. “But, tell me what this liberation entails and perhaps I will allow you to free me from numbers.” When Lucy smiled again and began to talk about ordering pizza and just watching movies all night long, Lena felt her heart grow warm. Someone wanted to spend time with her, just enjoy being around her. To put her first and her happiness. It was strange. There were no strings attached, no false words of affection, no lusting look in those green eyes. No, it was earnest and true. Lucy just wanted to be with her and have fun. Lena smiled and stood. “Help me pack up,” Lena said with a smile on her lips. “Did you drive or walk?”

Lucy stood and followed Lena to her desk, holding up the younger woman’s bag so Lena could put her things inside. “I walked, this place isn’t that far from where I work so I didn’t bother driving.” As Lena took her bag from Lucy, the shorter woman brushed back a stray strand of hair and looked into Lena’s eyes. “Do you want to walk or do you have a car?”

Lena was frozen. Lucy’s fingers were still on her skin and it took every fiber of her being to keep from leaning into the touch. She had only felt like this around Kara, the warmth and tingling that rippled over her skin at a single touch. It was stronger, far more intense at Kara’s touch, yet Lucy’s touch created the same sensations. Lucy’s eyes were entrancing, capturing Lena’s eyes as the other woman looked at her. “Uh, we can drive, my driver should be downstairs waiting anyway.” Lena couldn’t move to head out, Lucy now cupping her cheek and softly brushing her thumb against Lena’s cheek. Then their lips were pressed together and Lena moved her hands into Lucy’s hair as Lucy moved her hands to Lena’s waist, pulling her closer.

“We should go,” Lucy whispered as she pulled back an inch from Lena’s lips. Lucy smiled and pulled back more as Lena tried to lean back in for another kiss. “Later, at your place.” Lucy took Lena’s hand and led the CEO out of her office, dropping the hand when they came into the view of people.

The two had actually talked about how Lena wasn’t ready to be out yet, afraid it would be used against her and anyone she gets involved with might become a target for either the tabloids or her family. Lena had told Lucy what Maggie had said, needing another opinion on the matter, and Lucy had told Lena that she does deserve to be happy and that she would try to help Lena reach that happiness even if it wasn’t with her. Lucy hadn’t pulled away from Lena when the Luthor wanted to talk about things before even considering a relationship, rather helping Lena think it through. It was through their conversations that led to them waiting impatiently as Lena’s driver drove to Lena’s apartment, to Lena with her back against the elevator wall as Lucy kissed her, and to them giggling as Lena opened the door to her apartment before resuming their kissing into the closed door. Lucy smelled like chamomile and her skin was soft, so soft.

“Wait,” Lucy said as she pulled away. “Are you sure about this? Over the past week, you’ve been completely on the fence about this and we haven’t really talked about us, just what would be the best for you. I didn’t really put myself in the picture when we were texting.” Lucy looked at Lena, placing a hand on her cheek. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Lena looked into green eyes and ran her fingers absentmindedly through Lucy’s hair. She wanted to be happy, to find a light through all the darkness in her life. Lucy was a light. She wasn’t as bright of a light as Kara though who could compete with someone who was the embodiment of sunshine, but Lucy was warm and bright and she was so gentle and could come the closest as anyone to the shining like the sun. Lena nodded and wrapped her arms around Lucy. “I want this. I was always hiding and suppressing who I was, but I want to be me. I want to be me with you. I’m going to have to ask a lot from you and I have no idea what I’m doing, but if you are patient and there for me, then I really want to try this.” Lena felt Lucy tighten her arms around her waist and she couldn’t help but smile. Her whole body was warm and she felt wanted for once. Wanted for her rather than her body or mind or money. She could feel the pounding of Lucy’s heart and the lips that pressed against where her shoulder and neck meet. “I hope this is okay?” Lena asked unsure due to the fact Lucy was being quiet.

The shorter woman pulled away and took both of Lena’s hands in hers. With a smile, she led Lena to the couch and they both sat down. “Of course this is okay,” Lucy told her. “I know it’s going to be difficult since you are still in the closet, but I really like you Lena. You are smart, beautiful, kind, and just completely amazing. Anyone who doesn’t like you is crazy.” Lena laughed causing Lucy to smile even more. “Now you say you have to ask a lot of me and I know we need to talk about this before this actually starts, so let me order some pizza and if you let me borrow some clothes we can get into some comfy clothes. Then we talk.”

Lena nodded and watched as Lucy got up to order the pizza. They had been building up to this ever since that night at the club. The build up was subtle, hidden under Lena trying to figure out what she should do with her life and getting to know Lucy better. The young Luthor stood and walked to her bedroom, rummaging through her clothes for something Lucy could wear. She pulled out one of her old university hoodies and a pair of shorts for the shorter woman before changing into grey capri leggings and a black hoodie. “I hope this is okay, I wasn’t sure what you would want to wear,” Lena said as she walked back into the living room with the hoodie and shorts.

Lucy turned to her, looking away from the TV she had turned on. “Oh, that looks fine. Where is your bathroom?” Lucy took the clothes from Lena as the younger woman pointed towards the room and she went to go change, leaving Lena to gather a blanket and sit on the couch to flip between channels. When Lucy came back, Lena had settled on a rerun of _How I Met Your Mother_ and was curled up under a blanket. The short haired woman walked over and slipped under the blanket to sit with Lena. She gently took the remote from the other woman and muted the TV. “Okay, let’s talk about us.”

“Us,” Lena repeated as she looked at the blanket covering them both. She closed her eyes and gathered her thoughts, knowing Lucy was patiently waiting for her to speak. “I don’t want to be public about the relationship, not even to your friends and Kara. I know that might be a bit too much but I don’t think I’m ready for telling people, even ones I can trust. Is that okay?”

Lucy nodded and took Lena’s hand that rested on top of the blanket on her lap, rubbing her thumb across the back of the woman’s hand. “If you aren’t ready to come out, then you aren’t ready. I’m not going to pressure you into doing that. I get not coming out to the public and, to be honest, Mike can’t keep a secret to save his life. Well there was one but it almost ruined his relationship with Kara so he doesn’t really keep secrets anymore. But that’s not important. What’s important is that I will stay quiet about us until you want to tell people.”  
Lena smiled and looked at Lucy. That was her biggest request. She didn’t want the tabloids hearing about this or her mother. God knows what her mother would do if she found out. Lena must have grown tense at her own thoughts because Lucy gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I want to take things slow. Like possibly really slow. I- I have a bit of a dark past and I’m not ready to be intimate with anyone anytime soon. To be honest, I generally don’t like people touching me.” Lucy began to pull her hand away at Lena’s words, but the younger woman tightened her grip on Lucy’s hand. “No, I’m okay with you touching me. I don’t mind the hand holding or if you touched my cheek or anything like that. Just other things I’m not ready for.” Lucy nodded and Lena smiled as she looked down, trying to figure out which thing she wanted to cover next. “Um, I’m a bit broken and damaged,” Lena said softly as she intertwined their fingers, scratching at the blanket with her other hand. “I don’t really want to talk about my past and at some point, maybe I will, but until then please don’t ask. Also, if and when we spend the night at each other’s place, I have nightmares.”

Lena began to ramble off other things, some just random relationship things she was unsure of, as her scratching grew faster and Lucy stilled Lena’s hand with hers. “Hey, all these things are okay. If it’s what you want, if it’s what you need for right now, then I can understand and respect it all. We will go at the pace you feel comfortable with and I won’t pry into your past. If I ever do anything you don’t want me to, tell me, and I’ll tell you if things are not okay on my end.”

Lucy leaned in slightly but left space for Lena to decide if she wanted to accept the kiss or not. Lena leaned towards Lucy but instead put her lips next to the other woman’s ear as she smirked. “I have to go get the pizza,” she whispered before leaning back, laughing slightly. “I’ll be back. You can flip between channels or find something on Netflix.” Lena kissed Lucy’s cheek and stood. She paused and looked at Lucy. “Does this mean we are a couple? Like, are we girlfriends?”

“Is that what you want?” Lucy asked. Lena gave a small nod and Lucy smiled. “Then that’s what we are.”

Lena returned Lucy’s smile and left the apartment to get the pizza from the lobby. Just as her elevator closed Lillian came out of the second elevator, going to her daughter’s apartment. Lena felt giddy knowing that she and Lucy were officially official and she smiled as she paid for the pizza. When she entered one of the elevators, her mood did a one eighty. That smell, that perfume, Lena had smelled it far too many times to not dread what she would find in her apartment with Lucy. Her Lucy. Lena willed her body not to shake as she returned to her apartment to find Lucy standing, her military training clearly visible in her body language, with Lillian eyeing her with a predatory look. Lillian shifted her gaze to Lena and the younger woman couldn’t keep her body from trembling. She knew from the concerned look on Lucy’s face that her fear was showing on her face. Lena ducked her head down and walked over to place the box of pizza on the table before she ended up dropping it and her eyes went back to her mother as Lillian walked towards her.

Lena flinched as she hastily stepped back, hitting her hip painfully against the table. She composed herself enough to look at Lillian with an unreadable expression. “What do you want?” she asked a bit too harshly. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her eyes would flicker to Lucy every so often. The other woman was glaring sharply at Lillian but she was too shocked by how much Lena was shaking to move to her.

“Can’t a mother see her daughter?” Lillian asked in that tone that Lena knew meant she was here for what she always wanted to see Lena for. Lena wrapped her arms around herself causing Lillian to frown and look over at Lucy. “If you don’t mind, could you leave us to have some mother daughter time? I would very much like to make my daughter some dinner and hear about what is going on in her life.”

Lucy looked at Lena who had tears threatening to spill from her eyes and walked over to the younger woman, standing between Lena and Lillian. “I think you should be the one to leave. Lena had no idea you were coming and I don’t really think she wants to see you right now.” Lucy kept glaring as Lena gripped the back of Lucy’s hoodie and watched as Lillian narrowed her eyes at her.

Lillian begrudgingly walked towards the door and Lena waited until it closed before wrapping her arms around Lucy and letting the tears flow. “Thank you,” she sobbed as Lucy turned in Lena’s arms to hug her back. “Thank you for not leaving me.”

Lucy pressed a kiss to the side of Lena’s head. “I could see how afraid you were, I wasn’t just going to leave you.” Lucy pulled away and gently guided Lena back to the couch. “I’ll bring over the pizza, you just get comfy and you can pick what we watch.”

Lena nodded, sniffling now, and watched as Lucy walked over to the table to get the pizza. “There’s drinks in the fridge,” Lena rasped as she grabbed the remote. “You can get me a water though.” She looked through the Netflix menu and paused at _Glee_. Her eyes shifted to Lucy who was rummaging through her fridge and smiled to herself. She continued to scroll through the options and ended up settling on _Orange Is the New Black_ , it seemed fitting. “How’s this?” Lena asked as Lucy returned, setting the box on the coffee table and handing Lena her drink.

“ _Orange Is the New Black_? Sure, I hear it’s good,” Lucy said as she leaned forward to open the box to grab a pizza slice. She had gotten herself a Pepsi to drink and opened it while using her teeth to hold her pizza. Lena laughed and Lucy looked at her bewildered. “What?” she asked after taking the slice from her mouth.

“It’s nothing. Just, this seems so normal and something that I wouldn’t expect in my life.” Lena reached for a slice and settled back on the couch, leaning against Lucy as she started up the episode. The woman next to her was so warm, all the coldness that surrounded her chased away by the warmth Lucy provided. Lucy’s head turned and her lips found Lena’s cheek before the Luthor rested her head on the older woman’s shoulder. This is what she had wanted ever since she was fifteen. A girlfriend who cared and supported her. Who chased away the darkness and filled it with light. A part of Lena still wanted Kara, she would always want Kara, she desperately wanted Kara, but Lucy was gentle, soft, affectionate, and Lena liked her. She wanted to try being herself and who better than with someone she actually liked. Kara would always be in her heart but Lucy was there too. “Can you stay? In case she is waiting for you to leave?”

Lucy rested her head against Lena’s and closed her eyes. “Of course,” Lucy murmured taking Lena’s hand in hers. They continued to watch the show until they felt like watching something else, changing it to _How I Met Your Mother_. Lena got up to get ice cream and the pair ate straight from the carton, giggling as Lucy tapped her spoon to Lena’s nose covering it in vanilla ice cream. “Here,” Lucy said before Lena could wipe it off. She placed a kiss on the other woman’s nose and grinned as she licked her lips when she pulled back.

Lena blushed a deep red and pouted at the younger Lane. Lucy took her spoon and pressed the bottom to Lena’s lips, keeping it there as she set the carton on the coffee table. Lena’s lips curled into a smirk as Lucy put the spoon in the carton and closed the gap between them. “The ice cream will melt,” Lena pointed out as Lucy pulled back slightly.

“Let it,” Lucy countered as her lips returned to press against Lena’s. She gently pushed Lena back to lay down on the couch as she kissed the younger woman, placing a hand on her pale cheek. She was slow, not rushing or trying to deepen the kiss herself, allowing Lena to dictate the pace. When Lena gently pushed at her shoulders, Lucy sat up, straddling Lena, and looked at the woman under her. “Are you okay?”

Lena nodded and bit her lip. “I’m more than okay, to be quite honest. I’m just worried that it will escalate if we get too lost in it. I’m sorry, I’m just not ready.” She sat up and wrapped her arms around Lucy’s waist. “I do like kissing you though.” Her cheeks reddened at the awkward confession and she smiled when Lucy laughed.

“M’kay, we can stop if you want,” Lucy said as she pulled Lena’s arms from around her and sat on the couch instead of on Lena. “Let’s keep watching.” Lena leaned back against Lucy and the they stayed like that until Lena fell asleep. Lucy gently moved Lena so that her head was on the shorter woman’s lap and the agent soothingly combed her fingers through Lena’s hair. The Luthor murmured something Lucy couldn’t understand before turning so that she was facing Lucy. Not five minutes later, Supergirl softly landed in the apartment, confusion on her face at the sight of Lena sleeping with her head on Lucy’s lap. “Kara?” Lucy asked in a whisper. “What are you doing here?”

Kara blinked as she looked between the two. “She said Supergirl and I promised I would always come if I heard her say that.” The blonde walked over and tilted her head. “Why are you here?” She took in the fact Lucy was wearing one of Lena’s hoodies and looked at the carton of melting ice cream and the half eaten pizza that sat in the box on the coffee table. “Is there something going on between you two?”

Lucy looked down at Lena and rubbed her thumb across the woman’s pale cheek before continuing to rake her fingers through raven locks. “We’re just hanging out.” She paused when Lena mumbled her name in her sleep, curling closer to the woman with her fingers in her hair. “I have her so you can go. I know you have been worried about her recently.”  
Kara stood there, watching Lena as she slept. “Be careful with her,” Kara said. She knew what was going on between them, listening to what was going on after she heard Lena say her name, but she knew Lena wanted it a secret so she pretended not to know. “She’s had a lot of stuff happen to her. I hope you can be a good friend to her, she needs them.” Kara turned and left the apartment, leaving Lucy with Lena and feeling confused at why her heart was aching after having seen Lena with Lucy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Lucy and Lena become official, Kara knows they are and is upset though doesn't get why, and Lucy protects Lena from Lillian. How did you guys like it? I'm going to add more angst soon, don't worry. Also any ideas for how to be more evil please feel free to share. I also hope y'all don't mind that this Lena/Lucy thing is going to last a while. I'm not a fan of time skips that are larger than like two weeks and Lucy and Lena will be together for a few months based on what I have planned right now. I want Lena to feel comfortable and to let herself be who she is before being with Kara plus jealous Kara is my favorite thing right now when it comes to looking at my outline. But I do promise, Supercorp is endgame and I will write a lot for them after they get together cause I have plans, so many plans. Also please check out my other fic Shadows of the Past, a Kara centric fic about her taking in her daughter after leaving her with the Kents for six years. Don't forget to leave comments, feedback, and kudos. Hopefully I will not take as long to update.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter has more Lillian and Lena and also talk and thoughts of suicide. Please be careful reading after the dinner scene. I will be posting another warning after the stuff under this so please understand you have been warned.
> 
> Guess who is back with so much angst it made me cry while I was writing? After so long I have my update. I apologize for how long it has been, I had other fics and I wanted to figure out how to shorten the amount of chapters with Lena and Lucy together. This chapter is some fluff but mostly angst. I had to take some stuff I was planning for some other chapters and put them in this one to get things in motion for Lucy and Lena to break up. I am not really sure it ended at a good place but I didn't want to make it too long. I hope it is a good chapter though and that y'all enjoy it. Because of how many fics I have updates will not be weekly and so if you want to see what my progress is or vote on which fic I will update next, please follow me on twitter @witchofink . Please leave comments, feedback, and kudos and please be patient for the next update.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter has more Lillian and Lena and also talk and thoughts of suicide. Please be careful reading after the dinner scene.

Lena woke up to the sound of screaming. Her heart raced in panic as wide eyes looked around and she felt warmth pressed against her as she shifted to sit up. She was in bed and something wet landed on the back of her hand. Suddenly, she realized that the scream had come from her own throat and that she was crying. Soothing murmurs reached her ears and for a moment she had hoped it was Kara holding her while murmuring words of comfort into her hair. However, as her mind began to register that she wasn't dreaming anymore, it became apparent that the one comforting her was Lucy instead. Lena couldn't help the ripple of disappointment that she felt at the realization but she relaxed against the woman despite it, and the arms around her held her close.

“You're okay now,” Lucy murmured into Lena’s hair. The words helped but not by much and the Luthor found herself wishing Supergirl was there instead so she could talk to someone about the nightmare. She didn't want to tell Lucy how she dreamed about what her mother did to her. Didn't want to tell anyone that, but most of all Lucy. Someone finally cared about her and she didn't want to ruin it, even if she did wish it was someone else who cared about her the way Lucy did. But she liked Lucy and felt happy with her. She could do this, she could make things work with Lucy because it wasn't going to work with Kara. Kara wasn't interested in someone like her let alone a woman. No, someone like Lena only got at least one person, if any, who would love them and for Lena that person must be Lucy. “Hey, you okay?”

Lena nodded as she snapped out of her thoughts and she gently pulled Lucy’s arms away from her. “I’m okay,” she said, her voice lacking anything that would make those words believable. They left her lips shaky, uncertain, small. If Lillian was there she would scold her, softly if they were alone or sharply if not. The thought of her adoptive mother made her stomach go rebellious and she wished she was alone in case she did actually have to empty the contents of her stomach. She didn't need to show how damaged she was in front of her girlfriend. Wait, girlfriend? That wasn't a dream? A smile formed weakly on her lips as she leaned back against the shorter woman. She had a girlfriend. An actual girlfriend. There was a voice growing quieter and quieter telling her that it wasn’t the same if the girl wasn’t Kara but she wasn’t going to wait around for a girl who would never feel the same. She liked Lucy and she felt safe with Lucy so she would stay with Lucy. “Actually,” Lena murmured as the older woman rubbed soothing circles into her back, “I could use some comforting.”

Lucy hummed as she brushed back a few strands of raven hair from Lena’s face and wrapped her other arm around the younger woman. “How about some comfort food then? We can get brunch at Noonan’s?”

Lena closed her eyes as she rested her head on Lucy’s chest as the shorter woman gently pulled her back onto the bed. “That sounds like a comfortable plan,” she replied with a smirk on her lips. Lucy chuckled, the sound echoing in her chest in a way that made Lena smile more, and gentle fingers combed through her hair. She opened her mouth to continue when the phone on her nightstand went off and she groaned as she had to move away from the other brunette to pick up the call. “Lena Luthor.”

“ _Good morning to you too_.” The sound of her mother’s voice made her body tense for a second before she forced herself to relax. “ _I’m sad we didn’t get the chance to spend time together last night, what would you say to me coming over for lunch? Perhaps dinner?_ ”

A tightness formed in her chest as Lena turned away from Lucy to hide the terrified expression on her face. “I have dinner plans with Maxwell Lord to discuss a project we are working on together, but I can do lunch.” There was a touch on the small of her back and she forced a smile as she looked at Lucy. Concern was clear in pale green eyes as her mother requested to stay the night, tired of the lonely penthouse she had in National City. “We can do that, I’ll see you then.” The call ended and Lena stood abruptly as she dropped her phone on the bed to run her hands through her hair. A shaky breath passed her lips as she closed her eyes and balled her hands into fists, tugging slightly on her hair. “I have some meetings today and I assume you have work.”

“Is everything okay?” Lucy asked causing Lena to internally cringe. “Was that your mother?” The shorter woman stood as the younger headed towards her bathroom and followed as she watched the Luthor with a concerned expression. “What _is_ going on between you and your mother? Last night you seemed so scared of her. Did she hurt you as a child?”

Lena froze with her hand on the doorframe as she stood between her bathroom and her room. Her fingers curled tightly around the wood as she struggled to keep her body from trembling. Memories from the most recent night of her mother touching her, the same night she finally told someone her secret, flooded her senses and Lena could have sworn she scratched off a good deal of paint from the doorframe. “Lucy, I said that there are things about myself I am not ready to talk about including my past. The Luthor household was a strict one and I am just afraid of not appearing like the perfect daughter my mother wants me to be. Please just leave it at that.” Lena turned and looked at the younger Lane sister. “Please. I’ll tell you more when I’m ready but I just can’t right now. I’m sorry.”

Lucy nodded and closed the gap between them to place a kiss on Lena’s cheek. “Okay, I’ll drop it. But, just know that I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. I’m going to make some coffee as payment for crashing here without permission and then we can go get food.”

Lena watched as Lucy walked away as she closed the bathroom door and pulled out her phone to look at the messages her mother sent her. A shock of panic settled into her system at the sight of the request the woman sent her. It was too soon after the last “visit” for this. Ever since Lena got older the time between each occurrence grew longer and longer. Once a month at the most usually. But only a little over two weeks had passed since the last time. She had been a mess afterwards, she couldn’t afford to be like that again. Couldn’t take it if Kara or Lucy saw her like how Supergirl had. It would break her if Kara knew how damaged and used she was. If Lucy knew. Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle the sob that rose inside her throat and she backed up to the wall to slide down it. There was no time to compose herself, to pull the pieces of herself back together so she could survive the next encounter with her mother.

“Lena, coffee is ready,” Lucy’s voice registered in her ears. Green eyes met bright green as Lena looked at her reflection and she frowned at the red circling her irises. With a sigh, she turned on the cold water and pulled out a washcloth to dampen before pressing it to her eyes. She was better than this. She couldn’t let all this get to her. “Lena, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be out soon,” Lena replied through the door as she looked at her reflection. It was better, she could pass it off as just having rubbed her eyes too hard. A smile forced its way onto her lips as she stepped out and found herself in Lucy’s arms. “Why the hug?” The surprise at the physical show of affection found its way into her voice and Lucy’s hug tightened in a way that Lena melted into. It was genuine, no hint of lust or pity or formality. It was so good Lena forgot all about her mother and the fact she was in love with Kara. It was something she always wanted and she wanted to cherish it.

It ended all too soon when Lucy pulled away and gave her a smile. “There will be more hugs to come, but the coffee's getting cold and we have to work.” At the mention of work, Lena groaned and wrapped her arms loosely around Lucy, addicted to the warmth of physical contact. A melodic laugh made her smile after she buried her face into Lucy’s neck and started gradually guiding her back towards the bed. “Perhaps we could stay in and just eat ice cream and watch all the Disney movies. Then you wouldn’t have to eat dinner with that sleazebag Lord.”

Just before Lucy’s legs hit the bed, Lena stopped and remembered the only thing that would delay meeting with her mother was that dinner with Maxwell. She couldn’t turn her away a second time or else the next time they did meet it would be worse than usual. That just left delaying it as long as possible. Lucy made an attempt to pull away to see what was wrong but Lena tightened her grip, needing strength to get through what was ahead. “Just let me have a few seconds of this,” she murmured so softly she didn’t know if Lucy heard. Seconds passed in silence before Lena backed away, sliding her hands down Lucy’s arms to take her hand, and led the way to the kitchen. Her hand was squeezed just before she slipped it out of the older woman’s hand to pick up the coffee cup she could tell was hers as she sat at a stool at the kitchen island. It was black and in a mug with the periodic table on it. She smiled into the rim and looked up to see Lucy watching her with anticipation on her face. Lena’s brows furrowed as she looked at the woman in confusion only for the expression to deepen as the lawyer burst out laughing.

“I’m waiting to see if you like it,” Lucy told her practically reading her mind. A hint of a laugh was on her lips but it faded as she looked at her own black mug. “Hey, there’s something that I want to talk to you about.” Those words sent fear coursing through Lena’s veins as she froze with the mug halfway to the countertop. She set it down as she grew worried she would drop it and looked at the dark marble surface. Lucy was going to end things, she was going to end it all before it even started. The panic she felt must have shown on her face because Lucy was moving to her side and turning her to face her. “It’s not bad, I swear. I just, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, okay? I need to tell you this before we get to deep in this relationship.” Lucy took Lena’s hands in her own and took a deep breath. “I’m going to get so much shit for this, but I work for a part of the government that is for the most part classified.” There was a slight pause to give Lena a chance to say something but she remained silent as she waited for Lucy to finish. “We work to stop extraterrestrial attacks and help both aliens and humans. We also work with Supergirl.” Lena was rapidly blinking at the shorter woman as she began to process the information. She could understand why it never came up and why Lucy was telling her the day after they officially got together, but she still was having trouble putting two and two together for some reason. Lucy didn’t seem the type to be out in the field, she knew she was military, but she could be scary intimidating just with the power of her words. Slowly, it began to make sense and Lena nodded slowly as she looked at their joined hands. “I wanted to tell you know because I know secrets can ruin a relationship and I didn’t want to keep what I do from you. I also wanted to let you know now so if you wanted to end it after-”

“No,” Lena interjected. She shook her head and squeezed Lucy’s hands. “Thank you for telling me, I am glad you did. I still want to be together, but I am worried about you now.” She was worried, she could assume how much danger the woman put herself in stopping alien threats and whatever else she got into working for who she worked for. Immediately, her brain began to design weaponry that would be better than whatever she was using and better protective gear. Her lips began to move as she muttered softly to herself as she dropped Lucy’s hands to stand and dug around her cabinets for the yellow legal pads she kept everywhere in her apartment for moments like this. She pulled the pen off the side of the pad as she sat back down and began to sketch out the idea she had, making notes on the side. “I’m making you something,” Lena announced as she could feel Lucy lean up against her from behind to watch. “No protesting. I’m doing this because it will help put my mind at ease.”

“M’kay, you do you,” Lucy hummed as she wrapped her arms around Lena’s shoulders. “I bet anything you come up with will be better than what they give us.” She placed a kiss on Lena’s temple and straightened as she went to wash out their mugs. “We should get going if we are going to get some food in time for you to get some work done before all the stuff you have lined up for today. You seriously need to take a day off one of these days.” It all felt too domestic for Lena as she watched the younger Lane clean their mugs and she wished she could believe it would last. But she lived under her mother’s control, her lust, and she couldn’t tell Lucy about it. She just couldn’t. Telling Supergirl had been spur of the moment and in a time when she needed to talk to someone. “Hey,” Lucy murmured, taking Lena out of her thoughts. “Are you sure you want to eat out? We can eat here. You seem to be to have a lot on your mind.”

Lena smiled at Lucy and shook her head. “Just my new little project. I’m fine let’s go after I get dressed.” She stood and went to her room to go change and moments later she was back out in a green dress with a brown jacket over it. Her brown heels signaled her entrance back to the kitchen and soon the pair were off to their late lunch, Lena’s mind filled with panic over the night she was going to have. She was too afraid of what her mother might do if she called for Supergirl and she felt concern over Kara finding out. There was no reason for her to worry, she knew Supergirl wouldn’t say anything, but if Kara did find out what would she think of her? The concerns and fears circled her mind as she headed to eat with Lucy and continued to fill her thoughts despite the fact she should be focusing on her new girlfriend, not how the woman she knew she actually loved would react if she found out what Lillian had been doing.

 

*~*~*

 

Lena fidgeted with the watch on her wrist as she sat in one of National City’s top restaurants as she waited for Maxwell Lord. Her nerves made her skin feel like it was crawling as she tried to take her mind off what was to come later that night. In the end, she ended up pulling out her phone to text Kara and a smile formed on her lips. There had been little time to text the blonde and her anxiety over the night she feared her mother had planned didn’t exactly help in motivating her to talk to anyone other than Lucy who had called her during lunch before Lillian had arrived at her office to eat. Immediately after her mother left she had broken down into tears. She hated living like this but she had no idea how to make it all stop. She had been living like this for so long she couldn’t remember what it was like to live any different. Lena took a deep breath as she read over her text before pressing send.

 

_6:07pm Lena Luthor: Hey, how late do you think Maxwell will be to dinner and still not apologize?_

 

She chuckled at her phone before the smile on her face fading as she looked at her mother’s name on the screen. Bile rose in her throat as she found herself unable to look away from the words. “Fuck,” she cursed under her breath as she set the phone on the table, screen down so she didn’t have to look at words. Perhaps she should be happy that Maxwell was running late. It would prolong their dinner and delay the inevitable. The device on the table buzzed and she picked it up to see an email from the devil himself. A sigh passed her lips as she read the notice that something had come up and the fellow CEO could not make it. That just meant instead of a possible few hours before she had to see her mother, she had less than that. Unless. Without thinking, Lena pulled up her contact list and tapped on Kara’s name, putting the phone to her ear as she waited for the blonde to pick up.

“ _I was just about to text you back,_ ” Kara told Lena as she picked up. “ _What’s up? Did Lord show up yet? Is this the call from the hospital?_ ”

Lena chuckled and smiled as she imagined Kara calling to get her out of something uncomfortable. “No, he couldn’t make it. But, I’m at this fancy restaurant and I don’t want to let it go to waste. You want to eat dinner with me?” She cringed at the way her voice sounded unsure and she ran a finger through the condensation on the glass as she waited for a reply.

“ _You want me to come eat with you? Okay, I’ll be there soon just give me a few minutes and I’ll be right there. Text me where you are and I’ll see you soon._ ”

After that, the blonde hanged up and Lena texted her the address before ordering an appetizer to prepare for the blonde’s arrival. Relief washed away all the tension inside of her as she knew Kara would order a lot of food and they would talk for a while, ensuring that she wouldn’t see her mother until hours later. She couldn’t avoid so she delayed. As she waited, she texted Lucy a bit along with Maggie, finding a friendship with the woman she began to hold dear. Maggie turned out to be great with advice and she could use all the advice she could get these days. She couldn’t ask about her mother but she could ask about how to handle Lucy and their new relationship. She also could ask for help testing gear she was hoping to show to the NCPD to help protect the officers better than what they used.

“Mind if I join you?” Lena looked up from her phone to see Kara standing next to her table with a smile on her lips. She responded with a nod and a smile of her own as she finished typing out her response to Lucy before putting the device in her pocket. “Oooh, bread.”

Lena chuckled as Kara began to take some of the bread and slather on some butter. “Hungry, are we?” she asked earning a blush from the blonde across from her. “So how was work today? I’m sorry I didn’t have much time to text or talk today, I had lunch with my mother and-”

“You met with your mom today?” Kara asked in a slightly angry tone, cutting off what Lena was saying. Confusion and fear worked their way through the brunette as she wondered why Kara would be upset that she saw her mother and at the same time she feared that Kara knew. The blonde must have heard how she sounded as well because her expression softened and she added, “I just thought you two weren’t on the best of terms. Those, um, you know, on your sides. They were caused by how she treated you, right? I mean, that’s what I assume. I am probably wrong. I shouldn’t assume. I’m sorry.”

Lena felt her heart race out of panic and she shook her head as she stared at her plate. “We talk often, actually,” she said, leaving out the nature of those conversations. “We are the last Luthors so we kind of have to be sort of close. She was not the best growing up but she loves me in her own way.” The words tasted vile and she struggled to keep her expression neutral. Yes, Lillian loved her in her own way, in her sick and twisted way. She loved her body and using her. Always using her. “Let’s talk about something else please.”

Kara smiled and adjusted her glasses as she nodded. “Of course,” she said as she opened up her menu. “What are you going to eat? What are the portions here like?”

“Hmm, I’m thinking of getting something light, I’m not feeling very hungry. Perhaps a salad. And they tend to be small but dinner's on me so get whatever you want and as much of it as you want.” Lena smiled at the way Kara lit up at the fact she was free to get as much as she wanted and the young Luthor found herself able to stay in the moment and forget about what was going to happen that night. “Hey,” she found herself saying before she could stop herself. Blue eyes looked up at her from the menu and she just looked back at them with her green ones for a moment before continuing, “Can I stay at your place again soon? Maybe a Girl’s Night? I was told recently I need a vacation and your apartment seems to be the place to go for fun so maybe we could have-”

“We can have a sleepover!” Kara exclaimed excitedly, blushing when she realized how loud she had been. A sheepish smile formed on soft looking lips but the excitement was clear in her eyes. “Yes, we need that. We can invite Alex and Maggie, too.”

“What about Lucy?” Lena found herself asking despite the fact she didn’t want her girlfriend there at a sleepover at the woman she was in love with’s place. It spelled drama and she had enough of that in her life. But she asked it anyway and she could have sworn she saw Kara scowl for a second before continuing to smile.

“Of course, Lucy can come too,” Kara said as she looked back at the menu. “It will be fun. We can have Game Night before and just us girls can stay after and watch movies and stuff.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Lena told her. “Your place always feels like home and I feel like I could use something that helped me feel less anxious.” Something to make her feel less trapped. Trapped by her feelings for Kara. Trapped by her mother and the lust she held towards her. Trapped by her fears and insecurities. She needed an escape from it all. And right then, with Kara, she was free. She felt warm and free. She wanted to stand up and move over to the blonde to just wrap her arms around the woman to feel safe and warm. Only Kara could make her feel completely and utterly free from it all. Even as they talked, only stopping order food, she felt free.

“So then, James and Winn arm wrestled to see who would get the last tater tot and I was rooting so hard for Winn,” Kara told her, their meal having ended half an hour ago. “Alex was sure James would win and Maggie thought Winn would win, that’s funny Winn win. Anyway, Alex bet Maggie that if James won Maggie would use fuzzy handcuffs at work, like the kind you used in the bedroom, and Maggie bet Alex that if Winn won she would get to use Alex’s gun for a month. Well, let’s just say that Alex has about five more days until she gets her gun back.”

Lena laughed and shook her head. “How did Winn win? Oh God, that is funny to say.” She had no clue what time it was nor how long they had been talking. The only time they stopped talking was when they were eating and even then, Kara continued to share her stories of her friends.

“Apparently, James had just hurt his arm and Winn had started working out a while before. It was a complete shock,” Kara explained. She took a sip of her water and Lena did the same with her wine. The brunette’s lips tingled and her body felt warm. Whether it was from the alcohol or from Kara she didn’t mind because it made her feel happy. “Hey, Lena?” Kara asked with a sudden seriousness. Lena looked up at her and found concern in those stunning blue eyes. “Are you doing okay? Like I know you say you are but I can’t help but think there is something going on.”

Lena looked at her crumpled up napkin on the table and took a deep breath. “I just don’t want to go home yet. I don’t want to go back to anything waiting for me. I just want to stay here with you and forget everything.” Why she confessed that, she didn’t know, but Lena hoped that it wouldn’t make Kara leave. She flipped her phone over and noticed it was a little after eight. They had been there for almost two hours. Two amazing hours and all they had done was talk. She knew as soon as she left, as soon as she went home, all that happiness would be gone. She was supposed to be home an hour ago and after sending her away last night she knew from experience that Lillian would find a way to punish her for it. The last time Lena did something to push back one of their “visits” it ended with her tied to a bed sobbing. All she had done was spent a month in Ireland for her twenty-first birthday. She hated being restrained, hated being physically trapped rather than just feeling like she was. But she still couldn’t say no to her mother. She never could.

“Want to take a walk then? I hear the park looks really pretty at night.” Kara stood and beamed down at the younger woman. Their meal was already paid and it seemed like Kara was throwing her a lifeline.

A buzz from her phone made her jump and Kara frowned as Lena glanced at the message. It was Lillian. Her heart pounded as she unlocked the phone to check the message. She struggled to keep her expression blank as she read the words she had been dreading. ‘ _Where are you?_ ’ Something must have given Lena away because Kara placed a hand on her shoulder comfortingly and the brunette immediately locked her phone. “I’m sorry, some-“

“No,” Kara interrupted. There was a determined look on her face and Lena looked at her confused. “We are going on a walk and whatever it is that has you so tense can wait.” Oh God, she was trying to help despite the fact delaying it would just make it worse. A warmth filled her chest at the gesture but her stomach was in knots and all Lena wanted was to get the night over with. She already cancelled all the meetings she had the next day to give her a day to fall apart and put herself together again.

Lena shook her head as the phone buzzed again and stood, pulling out some cash for a tip. “I’m sorry, Kara, but this is something that would only be worse for me if I delay it any longer. I appreciate your concern but I must get going.” She smiled faintly at the reporter and began to head out of the building to where her driver was waiting. A hand grabbed her wrist and her breath caught in her throat at the warm touch. “Kara.” It was so tempting to let the blonde drag her away. To let Kara save her or just believe that she could. But Lena knew what would happen, could still feel the fabric on her wrists from years ago. It was no use running.

“Just,” the blonde began, “be safe and don’t be afraid to ask for help.” It felt like there was a deeper meaning to the words but Lena didn’t question it. She just nodded and looked to blue eyes as her wrist was released. “I’ll call you later. Good night, Lena.”

Lena smiled and echoed back, “Good night, Kara.” As she turned, the smile on her lips faded and she was soon outside in the cool night air. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry and shout and yell and just scream. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair she was trapped by so many chains life put on her. She was trapped by her love for Kara despite the fact she would never feel the same. She was trapped by her feelings for Lucy and the guilt that came with it all since she loved another. She was trapped by her mother who used her for nine years. She was tired of it all and she just wanted to scream. Inside the privacy of the car she allowed herself to shed a few tears as she grew closer and closer to where Lillian waited. She desperately wished she had stayed with Kara, had taken her up on that walk. But the walk she took was one that took all that was inside her and crushed it all. Each step made her feel number and number until she felt nothing at all. Not even dread and disgust made their way into her chest.

“Lena, there you are,” Lillian practically pitted as she stood from where she had been waiting. Lena stared at the floor as she waited for her mother to lead her to the bedroom. The mental counting had already started and she hardly noticed the hand wrap around her wrist. Hardly noticed how Lillian just held her in her arms for longer than she ever has. All Lena did was count inside her head. It had been what she had always done. It kept her whole and together. “Lena,” Lillian uttered the name as she placed her hand under the younger woman’s chin to make her look at her. “Look at me, Lena.”

Lena did and she slowly registered in her mind that they were on her bed with her jacket half on her arms and her shoes nowhere to be seen. There was a neutral expression on Lillian’s face and despair filled Lena’s veins until they settled deep inside her bones. Despite all of this, Lillian still didn’t love her. She was just a tool to achieve pleasure. “Yes, Mother?” The words fell from her lips but sounded so distant in her mind. The response automatic, conditioned into her just like the inability to say no to the woman caressing her hair.

“After pushing back our meeting and delaying it tonight, how about you forget about that little counting you do in your head? Yes, I know about that, Lena dear, your lips move as you count.” Hands moved to remove Lena’s jacket and the young Luthor suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Lillian knew how she coped with it all. She knew how she managed to separate herself from everything. And she wanted her to forgo it that night. “I want you to be present this time, dear. I want to see those expressions you used to give me when you were younger.”

“You mean, when I was just a child?” Lena couldn’t help but snap. The flash of anger in Lillian’s eyes caused her to move back slightly on the bed and the color drained from her body. Her eyes flickered away from her mother and she felt that familiar dread form inside her. “Why me?” The question that had been dwelling inside her for nine years sounded so small in her trembling voice. Only Lillian could shatter all her defenses. She always had even before that day nine years ago.

Lillian shifted to sit next to her adopted daughter and looked at her with an expression Lena couldn’t name. “Because you are the most beautiful and pure thing I have ever seen. You waste your time with people below you and I can’t stand it. But most of all, because I find you so pure and I want it all to myself.” The confession shocked Lena and she hardly noticed Lillian begin to unzip her dress. “Now, will you be a good girl and show me those wonderful expressions of yours?”

Before Lena could reply or even make a sound, lips found her throat and she felt her eyes sting. Bile rose in her throat as she struggled to find something to mentally grasp onto so she didn’t fall apart. Her hands grabbed her sheets and she tried to block out what was happening like usual. A cry of pain and shock passed her lips as teeth dug into the soft flesh of her throat as Lillian gave her a warning. A hum of satisfaction vibrated against her collarbone as the older woman continued on and all Lena could do was stare at the ceiling as she tried not to make things worse for herself. The places Lillian touched felt dirty, the words of praise and lust made her feel tainted, and the worst of it was that her body seemed to be betraying her. She had no idea if this always occurred, but the fact she wasn’t distracting herself made her so away to how her body was responding. Every time her back arched or hips moved. Every time her hands grasped whatever they could to handle the sensations or the way her toes curled. Based on Lillian’s expressions, those were common.

The delight on Lillian’s face, however, came from the tiny gasps that would pass Lena’s lips or the way her expressions looked. It made Lena want to throw up. She almost did when a shocked expression appeared on the woman’s face just before the world went white and her body went tense before feeling as if she had melted. “You’ve never done that before,” Lena heard Lillian murmur before smoothing back raven locks as the younger woman struggled to find her breath. It was then that Lena’s phone began to ring, lost inside the pocket of her long discarded dress. The Luthor matron moved away from Lena as she went to get the phone and suddenly it was pressed into her hand. “Answer it,” Lillian ordered with a sly smile.

Lena blinked, her mind fuzzy, and she sat up as she looked at the phone. Her heart stopped at the sight of Kara’s name and she looked at Lillian with pleading eyes. The smile remained and the older woman moved to sit next to her as she shakily answered the call. “Kara? This, um, this isn’t a good time.” A hand rested on her thigh and her heart jumped in her chest out of panic as she realized what Lillian had planned.

“ _I just wanted to call and ask if we can take that walk in the park another day maybe?_ ” Kara asked in a hesitant voice. Lena prayed she couldn’t tell how hard she was breathing or the small, soft whimpers that escaped her lips as she pleaded silently with Lillian. “ _Lena, is everything okay? You sound a bit off._ ”

Tears stung her green eyes as she tightly closed her eyes to attempt to keep herself composed. “I- I’m fine. Maybe, maybe another, uh, another day.” Lena’s free hand wrapped around Lillian’s arm and pushed to get her to stop. She didn’t want Kara finding out about this. Didn’t want anyone to know how her mother used her. She didn’t even consider Lillian her mother at this point but the title had been so ingrained into her mind that she couldn’t help but apply it to the woman. The hand flew to her mouth to stifle a small cry and the sound of a chair scraping back across wood carried over the phone. “Plea- please, Kara,” she tried to get out before she couldn’t get the words to come out. A tear rolled down her cheek and she hated this. Hated how even picked up the call in the first place. She could have hesitated long enough for the call to go to voicemail or even pressed the wrong button. Instead, her haze filled mind went and answered the phone.

“ _Lena, are you okay? Are you safe? I’m_ -”

It was clear Kara was about to say that she was going to come over to check on her. It was clear that was what she would do and perhaps that’s why Lena blurted out the half-truth she knew would keep Kara from coming over. “I- I’m having sex,” she whispered in a shaky voice. Her cheeks burned and a soft chuckle came from Lillian. Lena couldn’t help but drop the phone onto the bed and the burning in her eyes grew. “Hang up the call,” she mumbled into the older woman’s shoulder, her nails digging into the woman’s arm as her body trembled. “Please.” The older woman leaned over to grab the phone and she watched as the call was ended, Kara’s voice a dull, inaudible sound coming out of the speakers. After that, it was a blur. Lena’s mind was reeling from the call and she felt completely and utterly broken. She gave up trying to resist the feelings and the words whispered into her ear. She clutched at the sheets, brown hair, or dug her nails into skin as she struggled to hold herself together. Then it was all over.

The ceiling of the bedroom looked oddly beautiful as the pink light from the rising sun mingled with the cream color of the ceiling. It blurred together as tears formed in her eyes and the sobs that had been lodged in her throat finally escaped, raw and broken just like her. Lillian had left an hour earlier, waking Lena up before she left with a kiss to her forehead, and yet it still felt like she was still there. The young woman turned onto her side and curled into a tight ball underneath the sheets as the sobs shook her body. She didn’t remember even saying anything, but minutes into her sobs a gentle hand rubbed soothing circles into her back. There was no need to look to see that it was Supergirl and she slowly inched a hand out from under the covers, needing someone to hold onto other than Lillian. The memories of what happened, how she talked to Kara on the phone during it all, made her feel ill. Lena couldn’t contain the bile this time and she pushed herself up just in time to empty the contents of her stomach out onto her bed.

“Lena,” Supergirl murmured softly as she gathered the Luthor into her arms and away from the mess. This time, Lena didn’t care at all that she had no clothes on. She didn’t care that she just threw up all over her bed in front of the heroine. She was completely and utterly broken this time. A finger gently ran over the marks Lillian left on her her throat, the older woman marking her a new development, and rage found its way onto the blonde’s face. “Did she touch you again?” Lena nodded as she clung to the alien and sobbed harder as memories circled her mind. “Why didn’t you call out for me?” There was a trace of guilt in Supergirl’s voice that Lena didn’t understand, but the question she voiced was the same one she had been asking herself.

“S-She didn-n’t let me co-count,” Lena told her through the tears. Her body shook at the force of her sobs and something soft was wrapped around her as the blonde went to move. “N-no! P-Please, just h-hold me.” She pulled what she realized was Supergirl’s cape tighter around her as the blonde pulled the brunette to her chest. “She made me ta-talk to Kara while she was, while she was-” The words refused to come out and tears fell down her face in heavy streams. “I had to tell her that I was having sex, I had to almost tell her the truth.”

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Supergirl murmured soothingly as she ran her fingers through dark hair. “Can I clean up the sheets while you take a shower? You feeling up for that? I will be _super_ quick if you need me to be.” The pun made Lena sob out a wet laugh as she rested her head against strong shoulders. “I will never forgive that woman for what she’s done to you.”

The statement caused Lena to tense because shouldn’t she feel like that? Shouldn’t she be unable to forgive Lillian for all that she has done to her? If so, then why can’t she? Why does she not care if it continues or not? Why does she not care if she can block it all out or not anymore? The tears came back full force as she finally realized how completely Lillian had broken her, had full control over her. Her phone rang from somewhere inside the covers and Lena flinched, clinging tighter to the heroine as the blonde searched for the device. “Who is it?” the CEO asked as she kept her face buried against the supersuit. She wondered if it was Lucy or Kara. Maybe Maggie. She had surprisingly gained quite a few friends since meeting the sunny reporter and the thought of Kara made her crying begin to lessen.

“It’s your mother,” Supergirl told her in a voice full of rage. “Should I-”

Lena quickly took the phone from the blonde and took a deep breath before answering the call. “Hello, Mother. Why are you calling? You just left not that long ago.” Her heart was pounding and she could feel the anger rolling off the blonde hero. The rage deep in the tense muscles of the arms wrapped around her, holding her close and keeping her safe. She didn’t understand how her mother couldn’t just leave her alone. She had enough going on emotionally and mentally without adding her into the mix. Lillian caused her to be unable to function for days, to become a shell of who she was. With her conflicting feelings over being in a relationship with Lucy and her feelings for Kara, plus the fact she was holding all her trauma from the past nine years inside, she didn’t need any of this.

“ _I want to see if you will have the time to see me again soon. I think it’s time we change the way people view our relationship. Instead of distant, let’s show the world that the Luthor women are united._ ” There was a pause and Lena felt new tears roll silently down her cheeks. “ _And I want you to come over to my penthouse for a week in two months. I have to go back to Metropolis for a while so I’ll be leaving tomorrow, but when I get back I want you to stay with me for a while. I have to go now. Goodbye, Lena._ ”

The call ended and Lena held the device in a trembling hand, suddenly flinging the phone across the room before sinking into Supergirl’s arms in tears. “I want to die,” she sobbed. “Please, I- I can’t go on like this.” There was no protest when the Kryptonian lifted her and carried her to the bathroom, setting her down in the shower as she worked on grabbing anything with a sharp edge before leaving the room. Still clutching the cape around her, Lena drew her knees up to her chest as warm water rained down on her. The need to die rose up inside her and threatened to overflow. She had always been a little suicidal but now she wanted it more than anything. She wouldn’t be missed and no one would really care. She could just end it all and be free for once. Shakily, Lena stood, ignoring the aching of her lower body, and went over to her shelf of towels to dig underneath the washcloths for the razor blade she had hidden there from herself. She pressed the edge into the skin if her wrists as she looked at her reflection. Her eyes were red and dozens of hickeys and bite marks littered her skin. She wanted to cut them all off. She didn’t want to see the evidence of what Lillian did to her. Still, she pressed harder into her wrist and began to make the cut when a pair of hands stopped her.

“Lena, don’t,” Supergirl said with panic in her voice. Blue eyes were wide and frantic as she searched dull green ones. Her green eyes lacked life and she dropped the blade into the Super’s hand before falling to her knees in tears. Soon the Super was right there with her, the blade set somewhere else, and those strong arms wrapped around her once more. “It’ll be okay. You will be okay. I’m right here and I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.”

“She wants, she wants me to spend a week with her,” Lena told the woman. It hurt too much. Her bones ached and the reality of it all threatened to crush her. It had never felt so real before. She had never fully been in the moment during it all before. It killed her knowing her mother had taken everything from her. Had taken her innocence, her purity. Everything she was was gone. Her soul was tainted. That much Lena knew because of a small voice inside of her, one she had never heard before, was telling her to go. Part of her had finally snapped and clung to Lillian just as she did last night as if that would hold her together. The rest of her clung to the blonde holding her, the superhero who had strong arms and a soothing voice. But the fact part of her gravitated towards that woman who left her sobbing and broken made her sick.

This time, Lena managed to give a hardly audible warning before her stomach revolted painfully. A hand held back her hair and another rubbed soothing circles into her bare back, the cape draped across the lower half of her body as the Luthor opted to grip onto the porcelain bowl. Everything felt numb as she leaned against the blonde while her stomach gave her a moment to relax. Her brain screamed at her to beg the powerful alien holding her to just end all of this, but the part of her mind that made her feel tainted, broken, and used whispered to her to keep living like this because deep down she liked it. But she didn’t like it, right? She always felt empty and broken after their meetings. So then why did she start to wonder if that whisper was right? The horror of realizing that a small part of her didn’t mind the “affection” and “love” Lillian showed her sent her into another bout of throwing up and the bile burned her throat.

“You shouldn’t be alone,” Supergirl murmured into raven locks as Lena leaned against her once more, tears rolling down her face. “Is there someone you could stay with or who could come here and be with you? I don’t think it would be good for you to be alone.” The Super’s fingers felt warm against her skin, tracing soothing patterns into her spine. She found it admirable that the woman had yet to mention anything about her body after seeing it twice. When it was clear that Lena’s stomach had settled, Supergirl lifted her up and this time climbed into the shower with her. Setting the CEO down, she supported her up with one hand while taking off any bandages littered her body still from cuts etched into pale skin. “Is this okay?” Supergirl asked as she got closer to the bandages Lena herself put on her skin after having cut a few times since the talk they had that first time Supergirl came to her place. These ones were across her chest and Lena looked at the tile wall as she nodded her consent for the woman to touch her around more intimate places.

At this point, Lena didn’t care who touched her where, it was all she was good for. Her damp hair covered half her face as she gripped onto one of Supergirl’s hands to keep herself standing and there were no more tears to cry. There would have to be more time taken off work. She would have to avoid Lucy for a while. Or perhaps Lucy was who she needed right now. Or Kara. “Kara,” she murmured dully into the stream of water and the hands removing the bandages froze on her skin. “Or Lucy Lane,” she added in the same empty tone. She shifted her lifeless eyes to the heroine whose own eyes seemed to widen at how dull those green eyes looked. “You asked if I had anyone I could be with or ask to stay here. Those two are who I can ask.”

“Ah,” the blonde responded as she found the ability to move again. There was a strange tone to her voice and it caused Lena to look at her with as much confusion as she could muster. Her gaze was ignored and the blonde kept doing what she was doing. The damp coverings formed a thin stack on one of the metal shelving Lena had attached to her shower wall. Soon, every inch of her was bare and she avoided those blue eyes as the Kryptonian slowly helped her lower herself down. “I’m going to go change your bedding and get clean clothes for you. I’ll be right back.”

Lena rested her head against the tile and wrapped her arms around her legs to hug them to her chest. She should be crying still. She should be screaming and sobbing and wanting someone to comfort her. But none of that happened. All Lena wanted was to die. She wanted to curl up in her bed and just wither away. She wanted to cut every mark left by those lips and nails away and leave her body untainted as she died. But she couldn’t. She had to leave Lucy and Maggie better protected. She had to tell Kara how she felt before forcing her way to freedom. Freedom in death. No one would miss her, no one would care about one less Luthor in the world. Part of Lena hoped that Lillian would miss her. Despite it all, Lena found it sickening that she still loved that woman. The woman who kept her trapped in the palm of her hand. But none of that would ever happen. She was too confined to die. She would live with tainted bones and at Lillian’s will for the rest of her life. Maybe that was all she deserved.

Lena didn’t know Supergirl had returned until the water was shut off and she was gathered into a fluffy towel like she was a small child. The blonde helped her into an oversized grey hoodie and black sweatpants with fuzzy socks slipped onto her feet after Lena was placed on her couch, her phone on the cushion next to her. It buzzed and she slowly picked it up as she looked at the sender. Lucy. She quickly unlocked it and glanced up when Supergirl turned on the TV before going to the kitchen. Without the cape, she looked more casual and it helped the brunette relax into the plush cushion.

 

_7:49am Lucy Lane: Lena are you okay? Kara called last night while I was asleep and left a bunch of voicemails. Call me when you can._

 

“Who texted you?” Lena looked up from her phone to see Supergirl walking over with a cup full of something steaming. She lifted it slightly and smiled. “Tea. Like last time.” She said last time as if she hadn’t checked in on her almost every other day after Lena called out for her the last time Lillian was over. The warm cup was handed over to her and the heroine sat down next to her, watching her with a concerned gaze. “I should have been listening out for you. I should have noticed something was going on.”

Lena placed a hand on the blonde’s arm and shook her head. “No, don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong, it was my fault for not calling out for you. I was so wrapped up in the situation, Lillian having so much control over me, that I didn’t even though I should have.” She paused and breathed in the sweet aroma of the tea. “When I put it off she punishes me. I sent her away the night before and so she forbid me from counting in my head, that’s how I separate myself from it all. When I turned twenty-one, I went on a long trip to Ireland and when I got back she was not happy. She tied my hands to the bed and kept me there for a day. I feel trapped in this situation so I don’t like being restrained at all so that was kind of traumatizing. It made me learn not to deny her what she wants, though. If I give her what she wants then she doesn’t punish me. She actually praises me a lot.” She felt her lips attempt to form a smile at the remembrance of how Lillian told her how good she was and she immediately fought against the action. She could feel the horror slip onto her face as she shakily handed the cup over to Supergirl and stood to head to the bathroom, her stomach ready to empty itself again. It didn’t take long with her stomach as empty as it was, and she emerged again tying her hair up into a bun on the top of her head.

“You okay?” The Kryptonian was slipping something into her boot when the brunette returned and those blue eyes were filled with worry. Why was Supergirl so worried about her? “You got another text, by the way.” _Lucy_. The name echoed in her mind as she rushed over to the couch and picked up her phone to read the text. It was similar to the one above it and she sat down as she tried to formulate a reply. She couldn’t tell her girlfriend that her mother used her body despite the fact she wanted to so that she could stop feeling like she was lying to the woman. Stop feeling like she was keeping something huge from her even though she knew it was true. “Who texted you? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Lena couldn’t help but laugh as she took back the cup of tea to drink out of. “You’ve seen me naked, seen me throw up, and you know my biggest secrets and haven’t told anyone. I don’t think there is anything you can’t ask me that I would mind.” She shifted the cup to hold it in one hand and looked at her phone screen with the other. “It’s my girlfriend.” A smile formed on her lips and she nodded. “I have one of those know. Happened the night before last. She’s amazing and I really like her.” The smile began to face as images of Kara sprung into her mind. Her touch, her hugs, her laugh. Lena shook it away and added, “Lucy’s amazing and I’m really happy with her.”

“I’m not sure if it’s my place to say, but I’m sensing a but in there,” Supergirl said softly as she frowned. There was something going through the Super’s mind but Lena couldn’t tell what. But she knew she was right.

“I like this other woman,” Lena confessed. “She’s this giant light in my life so I don’t want to ruin it, plus I don’t think she is interested in women. I think what I have with Lucy can last and I think she can make me happy. I just need to figure out how to get away from my mother and then I am free to do just that.” Her hand tightened around her phone when she thought of how Lillian would react to her dating. Part of her wondered if Lillian just wanted her all to herself, she was selfish like that. “I can’t keep feeling like I do for someone who will never love me back and I’m content to be with Lucy for as long as she will have me.” It was quiet after that except for the sound of the TV and Lena set her cup down to reply to her girlfriend.

 

_8:10am Lena Luthor: Sorry, I was asleep. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday and told Kara something I thought would get her to hang up. Sorry for causing any distress. I’m okay now, just planning on taking some time away from the office._

 

A sigh passed the Luthor’s lips as she sent the text, hoping it sounded realistic. Not even a minute later, Lucy was calling her and she looked over at the blonde next to her picking at her skirt to see if she would be okay with her taking a call. A small nod was her response and Lena put the phone up to her ear and greeted, “Good morning, Lucy, why the early morning call?”

“ _Lena, Kara left like a dozen of voicemails on my phone and I was worried,_ ” Lucy replied. “ _She said something in one that is kind of concerning, though._ ” There was an angry yet worried tone to her voice and Lena feared Kara had told Lucy that she had said she had been having sex. There was a long pause, though, and Lena could tell she was lowering her phone to look at the screen. Lena had her back to the blonde so she didn’t see the frantic texting, just the way the birds flew through the sky while she looked out her window. “ _Never mind. I’m just worried. Are you okay? Can I come over? She made it seem like something horrible was going on without actually saying anything so I just am really worried._ ”

Lena pulled her knees up to her chest as she leaned against the back of her couch and she hummed in thought. “I could use some company,” she told the woman. “Can you call Alex and Maggie while I call Kara? We can hang out at my place and just relax. I don’t really feel like being alone and I just want to have people who I feel comfortable with around.”

“ _Of course I can,_ ” Lucy told her. “ _Let me call those two since they will still be together and then I’ll ask for the day off. Call Kara, she sounds worried sick. I’ll see you soon._ ”

Lena smiled and echoed back, “See you soon.” She lowered the device and turned to the Super who was putting her cape back on her outfit. “Are you leaving?” She winced at how pathetic she sounds and frowned when the hero nodded without speaking. It was like she was in a rush and she wondered if there was an emergency. She didn’t question it and stood to open the door to the balcony for her. “I hope you have a good day,” Lena said as she smiled faintly at the woman. “And, um, if you are ever around feel free to stop by. I like talking to someone about everything and one day I’ll make up for all the tea you’ve made me.”

Supergirl chuckled and nodded. “I’ll hold you to that then. I have to go. Also, if you are having company, you may want to cover up the, um.” She gestured to her own neck and Lena’s stomach made knots of itself while her chest tightened. Her mother had bitten her and left all sorts of marks on her skin. It was all to claim her. It was obvious at this point and she would be a fool to deny it. The younger woman nodded solemnly and Supergirl took a deep breath. “Alright then. I’ll see you later.” She walked over to the woman and grabbed her by the shoulders, startling her into meeting blue eyes. “And next time, call for me. I’ll take you somewhere Lillian can never touch you. I promise.” She waited until Lena nodded before letting go and smiling. “Now, call your friend and invite her over. I bet she is worried about you and wants to make sure you are okay.”

Lena gave another nod as the alien flew off and she was once again alone. She looked at her phone and checked it over to see if it was damaged from when she had thrown it. She was using an LCorp prototype to test herself and it seemed like it was doing just fine, no cracks along the screen or any damage at all. She was dreading calling Kara, unsure of what the blonde would say after the call last night. Instead, she walked towards her bathroom and typed out an invite to come over, unable to handle speaking to the woman at that moment. She looked at herself in the mirror and traced a finger over the teeth marks on her skin. Pulling out her makeup, she covered everything visible up and checked to see that it didn’t stand out. Satisfied, she went to her bedroom to stare at the bed, fresh sheets on the bed and her discarded clothes nowhere to be seen. Echoes of last night filled the room and Lena felt frozen to the spot. She felt so alone in that moment. Just her and the memories of what she and Lillian had done.

There was a knock at the door and the young CEO realized she had spaced out in the doorframe of her bedroom. Closing the door, a louder knock followed the first set along with a familiar voice. “Hey, Little Luthor, open up. I have chocolate and Alex has booze.” A chuckle fell from the younger woman’s lips as she opened the door to find Maggie, Alex, and Lucy. Immediately, Lucy wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and Lena returned the gesture. “We have bourbon, scotch, vodka, and beer. Also, most of the chocolate we could get at the mini mart on the way here.”

“Thank you,” Lena said with a smile as she pulled away from Lucy to direct the two with bags to the kitchen. “I’m sorry for causing so much worry. I assume Kara must have called one of you as well?” Alex nodded but said nothing as she took the drinks from the bags. Before Lena could question the silence, another knock came from the door and she went over to answer it. “Kara,” Lena uttered as she came face to face with a red eyed blonde. It was obvious Kara had been crying, but she didn’t get a chance to ask what happened before the woman flung her arms around her and held her tightly. Tears dampened the spots on her hoodie that they landed on and the brunette wrapped her arms around the blonde as she murmured comforting words into her ear.

“Stay at my place,” Kara sobbed softly into Lena’s shoulder. “Don’t protest, don’t ask why, just stay with me.” The blonde pulled back and their eyes met. All the sounds of the trio in the kitchen faded away and green eyes flickered down to soft lips. All she had to do was lean in. But Lena Luthor was no cheater. She was with Lucy and she wouldn’t cheat on the woman. She missed the subtle way blue glanced down at her own lips while the young brunette struggled with not acting on the feelings she had for the blonde. “Lena, come stay at my place.”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know that was all very angst and I really hated writing all of this. Kara's guilt helps lead to a bunch of events that result in Kara and Lena getting together. There is more angst to come but I have some fluff planned out for the next few chapters. I apologize for all the angst but it is for Supercorp so I hope you bear with it. I hope you enjoyed and because of how many fics I have updates will not be weekly and so if you want to see what my progress is or vote on which fic I will update next, please follow me on twitter @witchofink . Please leave comments, feedback, and kudos and please be patient for the next update.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a really long time. To be honest, this fic sort of became a vent fic to let out all the pain my home life causes me and because of that I want to work towards finishing this so I will be updating it more. Also, there's actual plot now instead of trauma trauma trauma pining pining pining. There will still be a lot of that, still be the angst and the darkness because of what this fic is for me right now, but there will be less of it and more Lena being the strong and capable woman that she is. It's been a really long time since I worked on this and my writing has improved and I've changed along with the situation I'm in. The course this fic is on is still the same but some plans have changed. For all those who waited, thank you. For anyone who just started this and now has gotten here, I'm sorry for how dark the chapters up until now have been, but expect more light between the darkness. Thank you for reading, please find me on twitter @witchofink. Again, thank you ^^

“So, is that everything?” Kara asked as Lena dropped the last of her bags on the dining table in Kara’s apartment. She tucked stray strands of hair behind her ear as she nodded, smiling at Kara. “Okay, why don’t I take these to the sleeping area and you can make yourself at home?” Lena opened her mouth to protest, but Kara stopped her with a look as she reached down to grab three of Lena’s bags to take them towards a curtained off area.

It had been four days since Kara had requested Lena stay with her and she had agreed. The decision had sparked an argument between her and Lucy, but it had oddly ended in Lucy agreeing it was for the best despite how she had seemed upset Lena hadn’t chosen to stay with her. The fight still lingered in Lena’s mind and guilt filled her chest as she moved to sit on the couch. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe she should just go home. Go back to that tainted apartment filled with the fragments of herself she could never piece back together.

“Lena? Is everything okay?” Kara asked, knelt in front of her. Lena must have been so deep in her own thoughts that she hadn’t noticed Kara suddenly in front of her. “You can talk to me, Lena. I’m here no matter what.”

Lena looked away from concerned, blue eyes and wrapped her arms around herself. She already had so many emotions spirally inside her like a storm already, she didn’t need Kara’s concern making her even more guilty and adding onto it. Focusing her gaze on the center of Kara’s nose, Lena forced a smile and shook her head. “I’m fine Kara. I promise.”

Before Kara could push, Lena’s phone buzzed in her hand causing her to flinch. In an attempt to be comforting, Kara placed a hand on her knee making Lena flinch again and Kara removed her hand as if burned. “I’m going to go get some snacks so we can watch some movies,” Kara said excusing herself.

Lena felt herself relax when Kara walked away and she looked at her phone to see it was just someone messaging the group chat. A relief flooded her system and she let herself fall to the side to curl up on Kara’s couch. She stared at the name of the person who had messaged and wondered if she should be smiling seeing Lucy’s name. Maybe she wasn’t because she was still shaken from her Lillian’s visit. She sighed as she read over the message and glanced at Kara as she waited for popcorn to finish popping.

“Hey, do you want to have impromptu game night? Lucy suggested it in the chat,” Lena brought up as she turned on the couches to lay on her back.

Kara glanced over her shoulder at her and smiled. “I’m always up for game night,” she replied. “You interested in having one? Usually we have them here.”

Lena hummed as she stared at the chat, watching the others one by one say they would enjoy a game night. “I think it will be fun so why not?” She forced a smile and focused her attention on her phone and her reply. She was feeling better enough to attempt humor and an actual smile formed on her lips as she typed out her response.

_     1:58pm Lena Luthor: I’m game for a game night. _

_     1:59pm Lucy Lane: OMG babe you did not just make the lamest pun ever _

_     1:59pm Maggie Sawyer: babe? babe???????? You two are dating i called it! _

_     1:59pm Alex Danvers: fuck you two just made me have to eat vegan ice cream for a month _

The sound of something shattering and crunching tore Lena’s attention from her phone and over at Kara who was throwing what looked like her phone away. There was a look of both frustration and confusion on her face as she stared at her trash can before glancing up to see Lena watching her. “Sorry,” Kara apologized softly, sounding oddly lost. “I, uh, I didn’t know you were dating Lucy.”

Lena felt her chest tighten so much so it hurt to breathe. She couldn’t move, paralyzed by some emotion formed by everything inside her becoming so deafening she had no clue how to handle it. She locked eyes with Kara and felt tears fill her eyes but willed then not to fall. “Yes, I am,” she finally said, tearing her eyes away and focusing on the ceiling. She didn’t see the emotions flashing across Kara’s face like lightning, didn’t see the tears forming in blue eyes, didn’t see any of it.

“I’m happy for you,” Kara told her.

Lena made herself smiling, thinking of how she did like Lucy and she knew that she could come to feel one day the way Lucy felt about her. “Thank you, she makes me happy.”  _ But she isn’t you _ . “She helped me realize it’s okay to be myself.”  _ Even though I’m lying to her and myself. _ Why was she being like this? What did she have against happiness? Lucy did make her happy, made her smile. Lucy was amazing. She couldn’t be with Kara so why pine after someone when it will just hurt in the end? She suffered enough as it was.

Hurt began to bubble up inside her as realized that Lucy broke one of their agreements. They weren’t going to tell anyone, not even the group. It probably was just a slip up considering Lucy called her babe since they got together, but it didn’t make it hurt less. Her phone buzzed and she looked at her messages to see a text block of Lucy apologizing for the slip up. Her lips formed a soft smile and she began to text out her response when she heard the bathroom door close rather forcefully.

Lena sat up and brushed back strands of raven locks behind her ear. “Shit,” she cursed as she felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She wiped at her face and took deep breaths to make the tears go away. She was torn between giving Kara space and going to see what was wrong. When her phone buzzed yet again, this time for a call, she stayed on the couch to take the call. She looked at the caller ID and glared at her phone.

“Hello, Lex,” Lena greeted coolly, pulling herself together. “You used a phone call to call me, should I be honored or suspicious?”

A low chuckle came from the speaker of the phone and Lena wished she could feel like it had when they would tease and joke together. But she knew he wouldn’t be calling unless he needed her. Needed her brains and skills. “ _ Lena, I have some good news. Mother has been working on something big and, even though she doesn’t think that you can handle it, I think you should join us. The Luthors need to be united against the alien invaders, Lena. Think about it and tell Mother your decision. _ ”

Lena stared at her phone after Lex hung up without letting her respond and her mind went into overdrive. Lex and Lillian had a plan that had to do with the aliens on Earth. Lex wanted Lena in on it yet Lillian didn’t. What happened to her and Lillian being close in the eyes of the public? Bile rose inside her throat and she put her head in her hands as she thought. If she told Supergirl before she knew anything then all she would do is put the superhero in danger. But if she wanted to find out what they were planning she had to go along with them. The thought of being around Lillian more than she had to made her stomach churn and she started feeling numb.

The bathroom door opened and Kara smiled at her as she went into the kitchen area to get the forgotten snacks. “So, movie?” Kara’s smile faded seeing Lena and she put the snacks on the coffee table as she sat down next to her. “Okay, what’s wrong? I’m really worried Lena, so please tell me.”

Lena panicked. She couldn’t get Kara involved. She couldn’t let her get hurt. But she couldn’t just tell Kara she was fine, it would be an insult to her intelligence. Instead of saying anything about her family, she picked the truth that would endanger Kara less. “I had asked Lucy to keep our relationship a secret from everyone for now and she gives it away five days later. I know it was an accident and she did apologize, but she still broke our agreement. I’m not super mad at her, but it stings. I’m just glad it was the group and not anyone who might use it against me.”

Kara frowned and shifted in her seat. “Mon-El did the same thing to me not ten minutes later after we got together. And he announced it to everyone, and I mean  _ everyone _ .” Laughter fell from her lips so contagious that Lena began to laugh too, though never had she wanted to punch the man in the face as much as she did then. “I was so angry with him after. I’m still a bit angry thinking back, but he was excited and he has never been good at keeping in good news. I bet Lucy just was excited and slipped up. I could tell she liked you, and if she makes you happy then I’m glad you have her.”

Lena thought for a moment. Was she happier with Lucy being her girlfriend? The first day they were officially together had been the worst day in her life, but in the four days since she was happier. Having Lucy to talk to and knowing that she cared about her beyond her body and to use her made Lena bounce back faster from one of her mother’s visits than usual. But was she really, truly happy with Lucy? Looking at Kara staring at her with those blue eyes, the answer came into her mind immediately. “I am happy. She’s really good to me and she takes my feelings into consideration a lot. So, yes, she makes me happy,” Lena half lied. Sitting there with Kara, she knew Lucy would never make her as happy as Kara would. She was happy, happy to have someone who wanted her for her not her body, and Lucy was so considerate of her feelings.

Kara smiled at her and handed the bowl of room temperature popcorn to her. “Well, it looks like there’s a game night tonight so I’m going to get ready and clean up. You can sleep on the bed or watch a movie if you want.”

Lena looked at the bowl in her hands and shook her head. “I’ll help you. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.” Somewhere deep inside her, Lena felt like there was a double meaning to her words. A subtle plea for Kara or just someone to tell her what to do about her feelings so that they didn’t hurt so much. She was tired of this pain, she had enough pain in her life without being in love with her best friend. She just wanted the pain to end.

*~*~*

Maggie and Alex were the first to arrive that night and Maggie immediately pulled Lena into the curtained off bedroom area of Kara’s open apartment. With a flick of her wrist, Maggie closed the curtain giving them as much privacy as possible when the only door in the apartment was for the bathroom. Lena moved to sit on the bed as Maggie stood in front of her looking at her. There was expectancy in her eyes and Lena combat the look by taking out her phone to pull up the schematics for the weapon she was making for Maggie and Lucy. She didn’t want to think about her relationship with Lucy again, she just wanted to wait for her girlfriend to get here to fill her with warmth. Not the painful warmth Kara fills Lena’s bones with, but a warmth of comfort knowing she is wanted and that she had something good. Something good she would eventually ruin.

Maggie cleared her throat and Lena glanced up at her, pursing her lips. “Don’t you wanna see your new gun?” Lena asked, trying to distract the detective. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.

“How about you tell me about your love life instead?” Maggie suggested with a knowing smirk.

Lena sighed and gave Maggie a little smile. “I have a girlfriend. And I’m happy.” A frown appeared on Maggie’s face causing confusion to spread across Lena’s face. “What?”

Maggie moved to sit next to Lena and she pursed her lips together as she looked at her lap. “Do you remember the night we all went to Club Genesis?” Lena frowned and she struggled to remember anything beyond her and Lucy kissing and talking after they danced together. “I know about your feelings for Kara, Lena. And I know I suggested you try being with Lucy, but this isn’t fair to Lucy. You staying with Kara for who knows how long, it’s not going to end well.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Lena snapped in a low voice. She stood and ran her fingers into her hair as she closed her eyes and thought. “I like Lucy, I do. I know Kara will never feel the same, she’s so happy with her boyfriend. I know I can be happy like that with Lucy so I want to try to forget how I feel. I need to or I will feel this pain for the rest of my life.” She looked at the curtain as if to see past it when the door to the apartment opened and Lucy’s voice filled the apartment. A soft flicker of warmth filled Lena’s chest and she smiled faintly.

“I just don’t want you getting hurt, Lena,” Maggie said.

A solemn expression covered Lena’s face as she moved towards the curtain to greet Lucy. “There’s nothing of me left to get hurt anymore,” she told Maggie before putting a smile on her face to join the others. She was greeted by a hug that caused her to stumble backwards and she wrapped her arms around Lucy, taking in the warmth that made her not as hollow as usual. Lucy was talking, she was apologizing and asking if she was okay. Why was she so considerate of Lena’s feelings? It filled Lena with a guilt that threatened to choke her. It made her itch to get her hands on one of her razors to replace the pain with something else. She needed a different pain flowing through her.

Lena pulled away from Lucy and gave the woman a smile. She could feel eyes on them and she tried to ignore Kara as she put a hand on Lucy’s cheek and met her eyes. “It’s okay, Lucy. I’m not angry.” A bright smile of relief formed on Lucy’s face and, before she could register what was going on, Lucy was kissing her. Gently pushing Lucy away, Lena didn’t meet Lucy’s eyes, afraid of what she would see. Instead, she grabbed her girlfriend’s hand and pulled her out into of the apartment into the hall. She leaned against the wall next to the door and let out a soft sigh.

“I went too far, didn’t I?” Lucy asked as she stood in front of Lena, rubbing her thumb against the younger woman’s skin. “I just had been so worried since I accidentally called you ‘babe’ in the group chat cause everyone knows I only call someone that if we are dating and I just kissed you without asking.”

Lena studied Lucy’s face before she pulled her closer until they were inches apart. “It’s okay, Lucy. I just, I’m still not out and I wasn’t expecting it with everyone watching. But here, we don’t have an audience.”

A smirk formed on Lucy’s face as she realized what Lena was saying. Pressing herself against her, Lucy closed the space between them and pressed her lips against Lena’s. The constricting guilt inside Lena was still there, but the warmth of finally being herself with someone she chose to be with and someone who wanted her was more than enough to mask the painful emotion. Soon, that warmth vanished as Lucy cupped her neck where the fading marks from days ago hid under make-up and Lena fought against her body reacting negatively. She just wanted to have a good night with friends and her girlfriend. But Lucy’s touch at the hidden mark terrified her that she would find out, that she would learn what Lillian did to her. Would learn that she had been broken and used by a monster.

The door of the apartment opened and the pair broke apart, Lena’s free hand shaking slightly. It was that hand that blue eyes focused on as Kara stood in the hallway outside of her apartment. Mon-El walked up from down the hall and smirked at the sight of Lucy basically trapping Lena against the wall, the look reminding her too much of Lillian. He draped his arm over Kara’s shoulders and Kara’s eyes rose from Lena’s trembling hand to look at her. Suddenly, time stood still. Both of them with their significant other looking at each other as if they were the only ones in that hallway. Neither knew what the other was thinking, neither knew how the other felt. But Lena ached to be the one touching Kara, to be wrapped in her arms.

“It’s time to start playing the games,” Kara told them as she returned into her apartment with Mon-El at her heels.

“Do you want to go inside or continue what we were doing?” Lucy asked. It was clear what she wanted with her eyes flickering towards Lena’s lips, but Lena had enough for one day. Enough harmless touches that made her tremble, enough of feeling Kara’s eyes on her that reminded her that these feelings inside her heart were only hers alone. She had enough.

Lena shook her head and took stock of what was on her. She had her phone and important cards in her jacket pocket and she was wearing suitable clothes to go out in. She wondered if she could get to the roof of the building. “Sorry, I think I’m going to go get some fresh air. I’m sorry, Lucy. I’ll be back, tell everyone to start without me.”

Lucy frowned but seemed to understand Lena needed her space because she gave her a chaste kiss on the lips and went back inside the apartment. It was quiet as she stood against the wall for a few moments to just let her kind be blank. With a sigh, Lena pushed off the wall and walked towards the stairs to head up to the roof.

Kara’s apartment was on the second floor from the top so the climb wasn’t that long and she was glad to find the door to the roof unlocked. When she opened the door, a rush of cold beat against her as the wind rushed into the building. She shivered but welcomed the cold as it was a familiar feeling. She closed the door, unconcerned if she was locked out or not, and she sat against the wall next to the door. Her head tilted back to look at the sky and she smiled at the pinks, oranges, and purples of the sunset.

Pulling her knees to her chest, Lena closed her eyes and took in the sounds of the city. Listened to the cars and the birds flying overhead. To sirens and voices that carried over to the roof. There were aliens out there. Supergirl was out there. People who loved those aliens, those beings from the stars who had sought out a sanctuary on Earth. Lena couldn’t let those people get hurt, couldn’t let them die or suffer at the hands of her brother and Lillian.

A fierce determination filled Lena’s very bones as she opened her eyes and let her mind drift to all the painful memories that filled her empty self. She let her mind drift to how she had forgotten her mother’s face. To that damned mirror in her bedroom at the Luthor mansion. To the way Lillian was waiting for her after the trip she took when she was twenty-one. To the satisfied look on Lex’s face when they arrested him. To finding a judgmental crowd who simply thought of her as Lex Luthor’s sister. To the fucking visits. To Kara being happy with Mon-El. To Supergirl finding her broken and finding out her darkest secret.

All the pain filled the emptiness inside her and shifted into a fierce determination. She was Lena Luthor. She was Lena. It’s time to stop wallowing. To stop being stuck in her trauma, in her situation. The only one who could end it was her. The small part of her that had latched onto Lillian sent fear into her heart at the thought of defying the woman who had abused her for so long and continued to do so. But, if she didn’t do anything she would remained trapped to be slowly dragged into Lillian’s grasp fully. To defy her would risk everything. She could lose everything. But she would be free.

A familiar sound of a cape flapping in the wind drew Lena’s eyes to her right to find Supergirl landing on the roof. There was a worried look in her blue eyes and Lena wondered if Kara had asked the heroine to look for her. Lena gave a confident smirk, finally setting her mind on becoming free. She craved freedom and she knew how to get it. In an instant, her mind had formulated a plan and calculated the costs. Despite the risks, she was going to do it. She couldn’t let innocent people get hurt because she did nothing when she had the ability to do something. It might completely destroy her, but anything to be free.

“I’m going to be free,” Lena stated, her voice full of a powerful determination. Supergirl froze with a startled look on her face. Blue eyes studied Lena’s face and it seemed to take a moment before the meaning of her words were understood. “I’m going to risk everything so I can be free.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got another update, my home life is providing a lot of motivation to write this lol. I have a Spotify playlist made for this as well which is linked in the end notes. I hope you enjoy, I have lots and lots of plans for this fic. If you wanna reach me check out my twitter @witchofink and please leave comments, kudos, and feedback they mean the world to me. Thank you all ^^ Sorry for any errors.

Supergirl stared at Lena shocked and it felt like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. Voicing her new determination made it feel even more real than when she had simply decided it. A smile formed as tears pricked at her eyes and she felt an overwhelming joy in her chest. “I’m going to be free,” she cried.

 

“Lena, don’t do anything rash,” Supergirl said softly. Wet laughter bubbled up inside Lena’s throat and Supergirl stared at her in shock yet again. “Lena?”

 

“I’m not going to jump, Supergirl, it’s not really how I would want to die,” Lena told her as she wiped at her eyes. “I’m going to be free of Lillian, though. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure she can never touch me again.” Even if it meant giving the vile woman what she wanted until that moment she could break her chains. Terror replaced the joy realizing that downside of her plan to work with Lillian and Lex to stop them from the inside and she dug her nails into her palm to fight the panic, her body starting to tremble. “I’m not going to be her sex toy anymore. I can’t keep living like this.”

 

Supergirl began to move towards her before stopping short and simply moving to sit beside her against the wall. The sun had all but disappeared under the horizon, painting the sky a deep red fleeing from dark purple. It was beautiful and Lena wished she could stay in this moment away from all her troubles forever.  “I’m sorry,” Supergirl murmured softly. Lena’s eyes flicked over to the heroine and studied her, waiting for her to elaborate. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I should have done something that night I last found you after she had come to see you. I should have stopped her, I wish I could put her behind bars right now.”

 

“But you can’t,” Lena said solemnly. “There’s no evidence of her doing this to me and I wonder if it can even be considered rape anymore if I let her do it to me. The only chance I have is for her to be caught doing something else.” She looked away after seeing the questioning look on Supergirl’s face. She didn’t want to get Supergirl involved too early. No, doing that was just looking to get the woman killed. She had to play it smart, she had to be free.

 

Her phone buzzed and she flinched out of habit. She looked at the caller and let out a sigh of relief as she saw Maggie’s name on her screen. “Maggie? What is it?”

 

“ _Get your ass back here_ ,” Maggie hissed. “ _Your girlfriend is staring at the door waiting for you and it’s been thirty minutes. Lucy is going to start getting stressed soon and I’m not dealing with that._ ”

 

Lena sighed and felt her guilt take root and grow. It had probably seemed like she randomly left since she gave no explanation, of course Lucy was worried about her. “I’ll be back soon. Sorry.” She hung up and saw Supergirl standing, dusting off her cape. “Oh, you have to go? Good luck out there, Supergirl. I’ll see you later.”

 

Supergirl held out a hand to help her stand and Lena took it, letting out a surprised sounded when she was pulled into a tight hug. “As soon as she tries to touch you, call for me. I’ll come, I will always protect you, Lena.” She stepped back, smiling apologetically and sheepishly, and, giving a little wave, flew off.

 

Lena looked at her phone and wondered if she will ever get to a point it could go off without her feeling panic course through her veins. She had people she enjoyed messaging now, why did each time they messaged or called had to be ruined by Lillian? It was no use thinking on as she went back inside and descended the stairs towards Kara’s apartment. As soon as she got onto the right floor she could hear the excitement, cheering, and arguing from Kara’s apartment. A few apartments she passed on her way had TVs blasting so loud she could hear them from the hall.

 

When she entered the apartment, she froze finding a startling scene before her. Alex was pointing a nerf gun at Lucy who was looking smugly with a Monopoly piece in her hands. The sight of the nerf gun was new, along with the fact Lucy seemed to be doing well in Monopoly. All eyes, however, soon were on her as she made her way over and Lucy scooted away from Kara to make room for her on the largest couch in Kara’s apartment. As she sat between the two, Alex returned to her protest, shooting her nerf gun at Lucy as she shielded herself with a pillow, laughter spilling from her lips.

 

“Kara, can you give me some of your fake money, I’m about to lose all of mine ,” Mon-El requested from where he sat next to Kara. Lena looked over at the man sitting on the floor next to the couch and she could have sworn she had seen Kara quickly pulling her hand back from almost touching her own.

 

“Hmm, if you give me one of your properties,” Kara teased as she beamed at her boyfriend. It sent a sharp pain through Lena’s heart and she shifted her attention back towards Lucy just as a second nerf gun almost hit Lena in the face. However, Lucy snatched the toy just before and started opening fire on Alex. “Winn, can I have one of these foam shooting guns?”

 

Winn smiled but shook his head as the game dissolved into a firefight between Alex and Lucy, one of their shots hitting the board and disrupting everything. Winn let out a disappointed “Hey!” and Kara jumped when a piece landed on her lap, her sudden movements making Lena flinch and clutch at Lucy’s knee.

 

“Are you okay?” Lucy asked gently, setting the toy gun. “Did you get hit?” Her hands cupped Lena’s cheeks for the briefest of moments before Kara suddenly stood and grabbed Lena’s hand. “Kara?”

 

“I need Lena for a moment,” Kara said before pulling Lena to her feet to drag her back behind the curtain separating the sleep space from the rest of the apartment. In the privacy made by the curtain, Kara dropped her hand and grabbed Lena’s makeup kit that had been sitting on one of her bags. Nervously fidgeting with her glasses, Kara tapped the side of her own neck causing Lena’s blood to turn to ice. “Something is showing through your-“

 

Lena didn’t stay to listen to Kara as she grabbed her makeup kit and rushed into the bathroom. Immediately, she looked at her neck and felt panic set in seeing the fading marks of where Lillian had bit her. She went to work with shaking hands to cover it back up. That was where Lucy had touched her earlier. If only she hadn’t, then Kara wouldn’t have seen. No. No, no, no, no. Kara saw. Kara saw the marks left on her skin, the vile and twisted marks. Did anyone else see?

 

Lena lowered her hands after the spot was covered up once again and she took a deep breath as she put her things away. It would be okay, it will be fine. With those reassurances flowing through her head, she left the bathroom to find Kara sitting on her bed with her head in her hands. It startled her to see her friend like that, like something was weighing so heavily on her that it was too much to bear. When Kara looked up, her blue eyes were full of a pained emotion and it was unclear if it was guilt or concern swimming through that sea of blue.

 

“Kara?” Lena asked hesitantly. She moved over to the bed and stopped a foot or two in front of Kara. Before she could think of what to do next, Kara stood and smiled at her as if she hadn’t just been sitting there moments ago looking like she was going to fall apart. “Kara, is everything okay?”

 

Kara nodded in a manner that told Lena she wasn’t being honest. “Of course, I’m fine,” Kara told her even though Lena knew it was a lie. It was the weakest lie Lena had ever heard, it was as if Kara wasn't even trying to hide the anxious and guilt ridden look on her face. “I just have a lot on my mind because of work. I’m just looking forward to Friday.”

 

“Why are you lying, Kara? Why are you treating me like I’m going to break? I’m tired of it, I’m tired of your pity,” Lena snapped suddenly. Kara recoiled at the coldness in her voice and Lena scrambled to understand why those words left her mouth. She didn’t mean to snap, she didn’t mean to get angry, but if Kara kept looking at her like that, kept treating her like she was a wisp of a breeze away from shattering, then she was going to lose it.

 

Her hands clenched into tight fists at her sides as she looked at Kara and Kara looked down at her lap silently. That was how Maggie found them not a minute after Lena snapped and the words she was saying as she dragged Lena away didn’t register. An unknown rage filled Lena as she let Maggie take her out into the hall and she struggled to make sense of it.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Maggie hissed as she pulled Lena towards the stairs. “We could hear you as clear as day back there. I told you this wasn’t a good idea.”

 

Lena clenched her jaw and avoided Maggie’s sharp gaze. Why did she snap? It was as if something just flipped inside her. But she was tired of how Kara was treating her. There was no reason Kara should think there’s anything wrong with her. Yes, a while back she had a nightmare while at Kara’s and had been in a bad place, but since she hadn’t really done anything for Kara to be acting like she has been. The only people who had the right to act like that were Lucy and Maggie. Lucy knew that she was afraid of Lillian and had painful memories and Maggie knew about her unrequited feelings for Kara. Those two were the only ones with solid reasons to act like Lena was anything but okay.

 

“I’m fine, just realizing something I’m angry about that I didn’t know I was angry about until it voiced itself,” Lena sighed. She forced herself to relax and leaned against the wall as she closed her eyes to thing. “You’re going to ask what I’m angry about, aren’t you?”

 

“Yup.”

 

Lena sighed again and opened her eyes to stare at the floor. “Kara keeps treating me like I’m damaged and just about ready to shatter. Yes, I’ve had a nightmare or two while asleep at her apartment, but everyone can have those. And, yes, I asked for a hug once, which is rare, but it was once. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve given any reason to treat me like I’m made of glass.”

 

There was a lingering silence that caused Lena to glance up at Maggie and a curiosity formed inside her at the torn look in her friend’s eyes. “I think, maybe it’s because Supergirl keeps visiting you and checking in on you. Plus, there’s the-“ Maggie trailed off as she patted at one of her sides and forearms, referencing the cuts on Lena’s skin. When Lena tensed visibly and wrapped her arms around herself, Maggie gave an apologetic look. “I know you probably didn’t want anyone finding out, but I heard Kara asking Alex how she could help. Alex used to do the same, but it was years ago.”

 

Lena felt tears prick at her eyes and she couldn’t tell if it was because Kara wanted to help her or because Kara found out. She knew Kara had seen the bandages on her sides, remembered how light her touch had been over them. That was just before Kara started treating her so gently. Had Lena been slowly growing more and more angry at the behavior since then? She hadn’t noticed her own feelings at all, but she had been dealing with so much recently.

 

“I need to apologize, I didn’t realize Kara was worried. I told her not to lie but I’m doing the same thing,” Lena thought out loud. Maggie nodded and Lena felt guilt wash away all her anger. She was tired of feeling guilty all the time, it made her feel terrible inside. “I-“ she began before she stopped herself. What was she going to say? Tell Maggie that she was right? That being with Lucy was getting painful due to the overwhelming guilt. Instead, she pulled out her phone and pulled up pictures of her sketches of the guns she was making for her and Lucy. “I want to show you this. I’ll have it done by the weekend, I hope, so we can test them out then if you and Luce are free.”

 

Maggie looked at her before looking at the image on her phone and smiled, dimples showing. “I like it. Baby Lane probably will too, so how about we go back in and show her. You can apologize to Kara, too, and talk about how you feel.”

 

Lena nodded and followed Maggie back into the apartment. Nerves bubbled up inside her as she realized this was her first fight with Kara, and it was all her fault. Seeing Kara and Alex absent from the four sitting on the couches, James, Winn, and Mon-El playing Mario Kart while Lucy looked at her phone as she bit at her thumb nail. Lena gave a soft smile Lucy’s way as she walked in that direction and let the hand reaching out for her draw her in.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Lucy asked as she shifted on the couch to face Lena. “Did you fight with Kara? We could hear you out here. Are you okay?”

 

Lena nodded and smiled at her girlfriend. When Lucy put a hand on her cheek, she leaned into the touch, closing her eyes as Lucy guided her down for a quick kiss. “I need to go talk to Kara, but I’ll be back,” Lena said. She pressed her forehead against Lucy’s before stepping away and moving towards the curtain that divides the open floor plan apartment.

 

As Lena got closer, she could hear a bit of what was being said on the other side. She hesitated as she heard Kara say, “-don’t know what to do, Alex. She doesn’t let me in and all I want to do is help her. Something's off and I’m just worried that there’s something really bad going on.”

 

“Kara, if you want her to let you in just be patient. Same thing I told you when you asked about how to handle the cutting. Don’t talk about it without her beginning the conversation or she might just push you away. That’s how I was. You need to be patient but clearly how you have been treating her is getting on her nerves.”

 

Lena patted at the curtain as if to knock and a moment later Alex pulled it open with a stony look on her face. “I want to talk to Kara,” she said, and Alex glanced at her sister before nodding. The two switched, Lena going to take Alex’s spot on the bed while Alex left to probably join Maggie, and Lena looked at her hands as she thought.

 

“I’m sorry I act like I’m walking on eggshells with you,” Kara apologized. “I just, I know you are in a bad place sometimes and I worry. I didn’t realize I was hurting your feelings or that I was even being so gentle with you.”

 

Lena took one of Kara’s hands in her own and shook her head when she had Kara’s attention. “I didn’t even realize it was getting on my nerves until I lashed out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. But if you are worried about me, ask. I didn’t know you had remembered seeing the bandaid on my sides or had even realized I hurt myself. I learned that from Maggie. And, I hate that you know. But, I haven’t done it in days, I left all my razors in my apartment except for what I need to shave.”

 

“You did?” Kara asked, lighting up a bit at the knowledge. She deflated soon after though, hesitating before pushing back one of the sleeves of Lena’s shirt. Lena flinched but didn’t pull back and Kara pushed the sleeve up to her elbow. Her thumbs brushed over the scars and a shuddery breath fell from Lena’s lips as blue eyes stared at the lines. “I wish you didn’t feel the need to do something like this to yourself,” Kara murmured as Lena pulled her arm back to herself, not wanting to feel those blue eyes staring at her scars any longer.

 

“You wouldn’t understand,” Lena murmured as she pushed her sleeve back down. Kara was silent and neither said a word as they sat on the bed. “But I’m not going to hurt myself anymore. I promise.”

 

“I’m glad,” Kara said with a smile on her face and Lena couldn’t find it in her to even think of being angry at the blonde.

 

*~*~*

 

The rest of the week passed with little to no issues after that night and that Friday night Lena was making dinner for the two of them before heading out to the bar. Kara was typing up an article and it felt like they hadn’t even fought a few days ago at all. Since, Lena had been working solely on the weapons for Maggie and Lucy, using that to take her mind off the text she had sent to Lillian saying she was in on the plans she and Lex were plotting. With the extra gadgets she made, hopefully she could prolong the distraction a bit longer by testing them with Maggie and Lucy the next day.

 

Both women looked up when Lena’s phone went off behind her and she turned to Kara with a grin as she commanded, “Answer call on speaker.” Kara’s eyes widened and Lena muffled her laughter.

 

“ _Lena_ ,” Lillian said, her voice filling the little apartment. “ _I got your text, sweetheart. Are you free to talk?_ ”

 

The pet name sent a shudder down Lena’s spine and her face fell as she quickly turned back around to face the pot of stew. “I’m making dinner for me and a friend. You’re on speaker.”

 

Lillian hummed and stayed silent for a moment. “ _Is it your reporter friend? What was her name? Kara, was it?_ ”

 

Lena tensed and turned to grab her phone, realizing Lillian knew Kara was important to her. It must have been the way she reacted when Lillian had her pick up the phone and she must have seen who had called. She was starting to panic and that panic only grew when she saw her phone in Kara’s hand.

 

“Hello, Mrs. Luthor, this is Kara Danvers,” Kara greeted. Lena’s eyes widened and she couldn’t move to take back her phone. “I’m a reporter at CatCo and your daughter’s best friend. I don’t think we’ve met yet.”

 

There was a harshness in Kara’s voice so subtle Lena almost missed it like Lillian seemed to have. A dark chuckle flowed through the device and Lena felt like hiding despite Lillian not even being there. “ _No, we haven’t. Perhaps, if you are my darling Lena’s best friend, we should change that, hm? How about you two come and visit in Metropolis at the end of the month for a few days? I have to talk with Lena about some business anyway._ ”

 

Lena felt the color drain from her body as she stared in horror at her phone. Her body seemed to take over and she suddenly had the phone in her hand taking it off speaker phone. “Hey, Mother, I’ll have to talk with Kara first if she can go, but I’ll be able to visit. I have to go now. I love you, bye.” She hung up before the words she had said even registered, but when they did her hand started to tremble just the slightest at her words. She had agreed without hesitation. Why did she agree to see Lillian so soon?

 

“Lena, you don’t have to go,” Kara said as Lena quickly returned to the pot. She stood and followed, leaning against the counter as she looked at Lena. “Lena?”

 

Lena stayed silent, her jaw clenched tightly as she stared into the pot, and she started to doubt if she could stick to her plan to become free. And the fact Lillian had asked for Kara to come, too, was more than she could bear because she _knew_ Lillian wanted to pull something to further break her. “Don’t come with me to Metropolis,” she told Kara. “I don’t want you to come.”

 

Kara blinked and stared open mouthed at Lena as the other woman started to scoop out their portions. “But, I want to go, Lena. You don’t have to go alone,” she told her.

 

Lena felt like caving. She felt like saying Kara could come, that she could be a buffet between her and Lillian. But she knew better. She knew Lillian would pull something like the phone call. Then again, would she? Lillian liked keeping a positive reputation, liked that no one accused her of being evil. Would she really try to pull something with a reporter around? Especially a reporter from CatCo who had connections with _The Daily Planet_?

 

Looking at those blue eyes made her give in way too easily and she handed Kara her bowl. “Fine, but we’re only there for a day or two. And if I want to leave, we leave.” She felt a deep sense of dread ball up in the pit of her stomach from the fact she had no idea what she was getting into. Even before Lillian began to touch her, she never brought friends over. She never really had any friends close enough to want to bring over. But Lillian could tell how much Kara meant to her and she wanted to use it against her. A dozen nightmarish scenarios filled her mind and she dropped the bowl in her shaking hands.

 

“Hey,” Kara murmured softly. Lena had been expecting a hug or touch of some kind with the word, but none came. She opened the eyes she hadn’t realized she had closed and found Kara holding both bowls with a searching look on her face. “Are you okay? Are you feeling well? If you don’t feel okay, we can skip going to the bar.”

 

The thought of staying in sounded so good to Lena at that moment, but she didn’t want to keep Kara from being with her friends. “I think, I’d like to stay in tonight, but if you don’t mind I rather be alone. I don’t want to keep you from seeing your friends, it wouldn’t be fair,” she told Kara as she took her food back. “I just feel tired and I need some rest.”

 

Kara frowned but Lena gave her a look that told her there was no room for arguing. With a sigh, Kara took her food to the table and waited for her before starting to inhale her meal. It made a smile tug at Lena’s lips, glad she made enough for five people. At least Kara didn’t notice how she was hardly eating. All she did was pick at her food and take it back to leftovers to add it back in. The stress of her decision was weighing in her and the realization it would be harder than she thought was making it worse.

 

Kara’s phone beeped and Lena stared at the device with a curiosity as she stood to put what she didn’t eat with the rest of the food Kara would no doubt devour. It had always been on vibrate or silent for as long as Lena had known her, so why was it making sound now? She stared at Kara as she looked at her phone. There was a twitch at the corner of soft looking lips as she began to type and Lena wondered what it was that was making her want to smile. Was it her boyfriend? Alex? She wanted to make Kara smile.

 

“Hey, Lena, wanna go to Club Genesis again?” Kara asked.

 

Lena blinked a few times to pull herself from her own mind and smiled. “Of course, I had fun last time, I would love to go again.” She wondered if Lucy was going. If not, she should invite her, right? That’s what a good girlfriend did, right? It was as if the thought of the woman summoned her because Lena’s phone began to vibrate. Seeing Lucy’s name, she smiled and answered the call, moving back behind the curtain to talk.

 

“ _Lena!_ ” Lucy greeted enthusiastically. The background noise sounded like the bar and it seemed as if she was a drink or two in already that night. “ _Where are you? I thought you would be here by now._ ”

 

“Oh, Lucy, I’m sorry but I’m not feeling well tonight,” Lena told her girlfriend. “I’m just going to go to bed early so I can feel better enough to meet with you and Maggie tomorrow.” She sat down on Kara’s bed and smoothed out the sheets as she listened to Lucy’s disappointment that gradually shifted to excitement at the fact tomorrow they wouldn’t just be seeing each other but also will be testing the weapon’s Lena designed.

 

“Oh, wait until I show you the settings,” Lena said, sending Lucy into excited squeals. She laid back on the bed as Kara slid back the curtain. They locked eyes for a moment, Lucy’s voice fading as Kara enveloped all her senses, before Kara turned to go get clothes to change into. With Kara out of sight, Lena refocused her attention on the call and she laughed at something Lucy said. Under that laughter, however, was the faint rustling of clothing falling to the floor and she felt her heart stop. Kara had never changed in front or around her before, but there was no mistaking that sound after hearing it for nine years.

 

Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath, unsure for which of the many reasons she might need one was the main reason she was. She was glad Lucy was the more talkative one of them and that she had an eventful day at work or else she would have noticed how Lena was being more silent than usual. She would talk, she would respond, but her mind was trying to understand this change in behavior. She wasn’t the best with people, she could command a conference room but her forte was with machines, and so she couldn’t fathom why there was still no sound of clothes being put on. Kara was still rifling through her hangers, taking her time unaware it was torture to Lena’s heart.

 

Guilt tore through her like a storm of glass, ripping her fragile heart to shreds. She was talking to her girlfriend on the phone, yet all Lena wanted to do was sit up and look back at the woman searching for something to wear. This agony was too much to bear and she had to step out. When she sat up, though, she must have been so consumed by her thoughts because the sight of Kara in navy blue underwear with a set of clothes in her hand heading to the bathroom was what her eyes landed on. Her eyes went wide and her cheeks grew hot as Kara simply froze, staring back at her.

 

“ _Lena?_ _Lena, are you there? Maggie wants to know what time and Alex wants to know if Kara is on her way yet_ ,” Lucy’s voice said.

 

Lena blinked and looked away as she turned, missing the mixed look of panic, disappointment, and confusion on Kara’s face as she went into the bathroom, “Sorry, um, Kara is getting ready now and I was thinking noon for tomorrow? Don’t forget we are meeting at LCorp.” They said their goodbyes to each other and Lena lowered her phone as she fell sideways on the bed. “Shit,” she breathed as she buried her face in the pillow she had been using since she started staying with Kara. It smelled like Kara’s shampoo mixed with her own perfume. The scent just made the ache in her chest grow.

 

“Hey, I’m going,” Kara announced as she emerged from the bathroom. Lena didn’t look, she rather just lay there curled up with her hair over her face as if that could shield her from the world. “Lena?” There was a hint of concern in her voice, Lena unaware the way she looked reminded Kara of the first night she had found her as Supergirl in the aftermath of Lillian.

 

“I’m just tired,” Lena lied as she rolled onto her other side. “Can you turn the light off when you leave?” Kara didn’t respond but the light was off moments later and Lena felt better in the darkness.

 

Her mind quieted and the turmoil within her faded into the background. She curled more until she was as small as she could make herself and Lena clutched at her chest as her mind burst with chaos. “What am I doing?” she whispered to herself close to tears. “Why am I trying to be free? I already know this is what I’m meant for, just a toy to be used. Why am I staying here? I could be staying with Lucy or is that moving too fast? What am I doing? I don’t know anymore. All these thoughts, all these fears. I should go back home, I’m just a burden here. Maybe I should leave for Metropolis after the weekend rather than waiting the two weeks until the end of the month. If I do that, then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about Kara finding out.”

 

Lena took a shuddery breath and closed her eyes as she let the chaos in her mind beat against her like stormy waves on a cliffside. Focusing on the steady sound of herself breathing, she calmed the waves into a soft push and pull that lulled her slowly to sleep. An hour after she had fallen asleep, Kara returned leaning against the closed door to her apartment as she listened to Lena’s heartbeat. She couldn’t stay at the bar, wasn’t able to handle the way Mon-El’s touch felt wrong on her skin. That it felt wrong when he kissed her and how she had recently just started wanting it to be over.

 

She took off her glasses and took out her ponytail as she made her way through her apartment. Lena was deep asleep on the bed they had been sharing and all Kara wanted to do was hold her close. Looking at the clothes still left on the ground, she thought of her stupid decision to walk around half naked while Lena was there. The look on Lena’s face hadn’t left her mind. It had been stupid. She’s with Mon-El and Lena is with Lucy. Ever since that night at Club Genesis, Kara had started to realize the feeling she had growing for Lena just beneath the surface. But she was too late and now Lena was with Lucy. And did Lena even feel the same? Maybe she liked Supergirl more than her considering how open she is with her alter ego.

 

Lena made a soft whimpering sound as she shifted in her sleep and she reached out for the closest thing she could grab which was Kara’s pillow. She immediately curled around it in a way that made Kara’s chest tighten. Lena deserved so much good after all the pain she’s gone through, yet she always tries to shoulder it all alone like the trip to Metropolis. Kara fought against going straight to Lena and got out a large shirt and cotton shorts to change into.

 

When Kara was finally ready for sleep, Lena woke with a scream, panic painted clearly on her face as she hyperventilated, eyes shut tightly. Immediately, Kara was at her side after putting back on her glasses, holding her tightly to herself and rocking softly, and tears bled through the fabric of her shirt onto her skin. “Shhh, I got you,” Kara murmured into Lena’s hair. “It was just a dream, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Lena. Shhh.”

 

It sounded like Lena was mumbling her name, but it was garbled up by the sobs that shook Lena’s body and how her face was now buried in Kara’s neck. Kara scratched gently at Lena’s scalp, murmuring soothing words into raven locks as she tried to soothe Lena back to sleep. If only she was Supergirl in that moment, she could ask what she had dreamt, no doubt something that had to do with Lillian. But she was there as Kara and she would have to do her best as Kara. It took almost an hour of murmurs and sobs before Lena finally fell back asleep and Kara felt her heart ache at the fact Lena was in so much pain. It reminded her of how she had been when she first got to Earth, waking up from nightmares of seeing her planet die, of being trapped in that pod.

 

Gently, she laid Lena down on the bed and covered her with the blankets. She brushed back the hair that was covering Lena’s face and Kara ran her thumb over the soft skin of the sleeping woman’s cheek. Lena seemed to melt into the mattress at the touch, any tension in her body gone, and Kara stood up to find Lena’s phone so no alarm would wake her up. She needed her sleep and Kara knew she had no plans in the morning. When she picked up Lena’s phone, Kara had to fight the urge to tighten her grip at the sight of Lillian Luthor texting Lena. The setting kept the message from being read without unlocking the phone and she gently unlocked it using Lena’s thumbprint, thankful Lena was a heavy sleeper.

 

Everything about the device was bland. Generic background and lock screen, apps organized into categories, and there were no games. There was Snapchat, though Kara had no idea Lena used that. Not wanting to pry, she went to tap on the clock app when Lena shifted, startling Kara into fumbling with the phone. When she was sure Lena was still asleep, she looked back at the device and found that she had accidentally opened messages. Lillian’s last message was clear with the device unlocked. _Send me a picture of you in what I got you for Christmas_. Anger filled Kara’s veins and without thinking she opened the texts between Lillian and Lena.

 

And then her blood froze within her veins at what she saw. The texts and scattered pictures both angered and horrified Kara. The fact Lena was having to go through this, the complete control Lillian seemed to have. It was too much. She exited the messaging app and turned off Lena’s alarms. But now, Kara couldn’t sleep. Knowing that Lena was suffering, she didn’t want to sleep just in case another dream woke up the young woman and the knowledge of what Lena was going through made her want to be on alert.

 

Kara looked at Lena and found the almost faded bite marks on her neck. Remembering the sight of what it had been right after, she clenched her jaw to keep from finding Lillian right then and there to make her pay for touching Lena. There was no mistaking that that amount of marks were Lillian’s way of claiming Lena, solidifying the hold she had on the fragile woman.

 

Lena made a distressed sound in her sleep and Kara instantly climbed under the covers to soothe her. The touch made Lena relax and she clung to Kara, curling up against her. Kara wrapped her arms around Lena, one scratching lightly at her scalp while the other rubbed at her back, and hummed a Kryptonian lullaby into her hair. It smelled of her shampoo but the scent was way better on the sleeping woman than on herself. Gradually, oh so gradually, Kara fell asleep with Lena in her arms, her lips pressed against Lena’s forehead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to playlist -> [ALIGYIMH Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/witchofapples/playlist/188YeGTHrcVyr4BVe7V0Yz?si=oECKjSgtRRK34--0rd-5hQrl)


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